Merlin Oneshots

23. The Cheese Incident (Uther's Observations Part 2)

Part 2 to Uther's Observations due to popular demand!
Apparently I needed to elaborate on why cheese is a no-go topic with Uther. Honestly, I only put it because I think cheese is gross (unless it's melted on something - like pizza) but I'm making a whole ass story out of it for you guys so you're welcome 💀

And yeah, you should probably reread the last chapter if you don't remember lol.

Thirty something years earlier:

It was a cool summer's evening and newly weds, Uther and Igraine Pendragon, were holding a royal banquet to celebrate their union. Every inch of the hall had been decked out with woven gold tablecloths and curtains, and an astonishing array of flowers with vines that seemed to shimmer with gold as they lead towards the centre piece above the thrones at the head of the table, the pendragon crest. Their court sorcerer, Nimueh, had set up the decorations, and had done a smashing job, if she did say so herself.

The food had been brought out and all were chatting and laughing amongst themselves. "Isn't this the most wonderful day, my dear?" Uther beamed joyfully at his wife, taking her hand in his.

"Indeed it is, my love." Igraine replied in a tone equally as excited, squeezing his hand, "Nothing could ruin such a magnificent event."

"You shouldn't say such things, Igraine." Uther shook his head, still smiling.

"Don't be so superstitious, Uther." She teased.

"It's just common sense." He replied with a playful eye roll and a peck on the lips before turning to Balinor with an amused grin, "So, when's your wedding, Balinor?"

"Uther, please!" Balinor cried, his cheeks flushing red, "I have only known her all of three weeks!"

"Ah but you really like her don't you?" Igraine weighed in, a knowing smile on her face, "Uther has told me all about how smitten you are with this mystery woman."

"Well... yes, my lady, but I am unsure of her feelings for me." Balinor shook his head, "And anyway, this is your special day, we shouldn't spend it discussing my love life."

"Oh, come on, of the five of us you'll be the last to marry." Nimueh smirked playfully as she took her seat besides Balinor, "But Gaius'll be next." She nodded her head over to where Gaius and Alice were caught up in their own little conversation.

"What about you?" Uther drew his brow in confusion.

"I'm not sure how many times I can explain to you that I'm aromantic before you finally get it." Nimueh rolled her eyes as she looked to Igraine, "Your husband is an idiot."

"Excuse me!" Uther snapped, "I am the King, not an idiot! I'm sorry that I forgot you don't have a heart!"
"Uther!" Igraine reprimanded, shooting an apologetic glance at Nimueh.

Nimueh ground her teeth in irritation, "That isn't what that means and you know it." She was not about to cause a scene at the man's wedding but she'd slap some sense into him if she had to.

Uther didn't apologise and instead moved the conversation onto the topic of the feast laid out before them, "The cooks have done a fine job preparing such a spread, haven't they?"

Igraine sighed at his stubbornness before smiling, "Yes, quite, my love."

"And this cheese... it's marvellous!" Uther cried, stuffing a gooey chunk into his mouth, "Oh, my dear, you must try it."

"I would have, but it seems you've eaten the last of it." She chuckled as heat rose to his cheeks.

"Balinor, could you perhaps conjure some more of that divine cheese for my dear Igraine?" Uther asked, rather embarrassed.

"I'm not very good at foods yet, my Lord." Balinor scratched his beard, equally embarrassed.

"I could do it, Sire." Nimueh gave Uther a tight-lipped smile that was just dripping with spite, "Afterall, I am Court Sorcerer, or did you forget? You seem to do that."

"I said I was sorry." Uther huffed stubbornly.

"Actually, you didn't." Nimueh glared, "Your cheese, My Lord." She said with a sneer and muttered a few words. With a golden flash of her eyes, a glob of cheese began growing on the plate in front of Uther.

"Thank you, Nimueh." Uther nodded but cocked a brow when it didn't stop growing. And growing. And growing. Until it began spill off the table and onto the King's lap. Uther cried out in shock, jumping out of his seat and drawing the attention of the rest of the banquet hall. There were gasps, whispering and stifled giggles as the sticky cheese began to grow around Uther.

"Nimueh! Stop this! Now!" Uther yelled, unable to move as the cheese stuck him in place, growing almost comically around everywhere but his face. Soon, Uther was naught but a pile of cheese with a face. Igraine, Gaius and Balinor were besides themselves with laughter while they watched the grumpy lump of cheese wobble as the King made his attempts to escape the sticky prison. The rest of the banquet hall were stifling their giggles for fear of punishment but the hands over their mouths and the tears in their eyes betrayed them. Nimueh watched on with an amused smirk, repressing the laughter so she could enjoy the look on Uther's face.

"Free me this instant! You evil witch, this is treason! I-I'll have you hanged or flogged or- or- or... ju-just let me out! Nimueh! Release me! Eugh, I'm going to stink for weeks. This is my wedding day, goddamnit! Let me GO!" A constant string of nonsense and empty threats spilled from Uther's mouth as he struggled against the cheese.

"I believe there is something you'd like to say to me." Nimueh smiled innocently.

"What?" Uther replied angrily.

"A magic word, if you will." She perched herself on the edge of the table, prepared to sit there all day if she had to.

"You are the one who should be saying magic words! Get me out of here!" He shouted, his face red with anger and embarrassment.

"Sire," Gaius began in between fits of laughter, "Perhaps you should apologise to the lady." He hadn't known what had been said, but he did know that it was almost definitely Uther's fault.

"Fine! I am sorry I called you a heartless witch." Uther spat out indignantly, "Now let me OUT!"

Nimueh wasn't content with this answer but conceded anyway, "As you wish." She smirked, a glint of amusement in her golden eyes as words of the old religion rolled off her tongue. As a consequence, The sticky cheese began to melt, loosening no its hold on the King and leaving him sitting in a puddle of melted cheese.

Igraine wiped some cheese from Uther's cheek and inspected it before licking it off the tip of her finger, she chuckled a little before announcing, "You're right, my love, the cheese is good." The room fell into a chorus of giggles and hearty chuckled at this as the King sulked on the floor.

Cheese had been a sore subject for Uther Pendragon ever since.