I wish I could comprehend a lot of things. I'm book smart, actually the smartest in my year. But not a lot actually makes sense to me.
I feel like I'm living the same day over and over again. Like a broken record.
Why do I even breathe? Why do these hands of mine write? Why do I cry? Why do I get mad?
So many questions left to go unanswered.
I've stared eating alone in the great hall. Yes, I sit at the Slytherin table, but instead of sitting with Blaise, Pansy, or Theo, I get there a little early and eat by myself. I started to hate any form of confrontation.
It's Christmas break tomorrow, we leave for the holidays. And I'm dreading going home almost as much as I'd dread to stay here. Hearing my father telling me how I'm not being hard enough on myself.. I don't want him to know I've slipped away.
The thought of having meetings with the death eaters is excruciating. It took everything inside of me not to burst out into tears last time they killed an innocent child. How could it be so hard if I'm supposed to be one of them. I'm supposed to be the bad guy.
Why am I always expected of something.
All that's getting me through the next year is the thought of moving away. I always thought I wanted to live on a secluded beach, in a small house.
Not Malfoy Manor.. I even still get lost there sometimes.
But now I'm having other ideas where to go when this term is over. Maybe up to London, and get a little penthouse. Or maybe even New York City in America.
I know, no magic..
But I don't want to use magic anymore, I've lost my passion for it. I have enough money right now to be financially stable for the next 5 years, and after that I don't know where life might take me. I just know I want to get as far away from my father as possible.
I think I've created an idea of you in my head. I don't think it's real. I think my loneliness is causing me to create you when you're not actually there at all.
You would find a way to communicate with me by now. It's all too good to be true. No one understands me. Not me, not you, an imaginary desire I've created to help myself cope.
I'm about to head back down to the room of requirement to put this book back. I can't bring it home with me. It's not good for me to make all this up in my head.
Goodbye,
Draco Malfoy.
