Being Myself

Living Area

Little rant about the song. This is Strong from Midnight Memories. The harmonies on this song are on of my favourite parts. You can clearly hear it in the acapella version. Also, the bridge by Zayn was...OMG!! Hope you enjoy!!

Zayn's POV:

The living area was eerily quiet. After that call nobody had spoken much. Usually I would love it when my family would stay quiet or atleast not try to interact with me. But today that was not the case. Today I wanted them to speak to me. I wanted them to tell me whether what I did was right or wrong. I wanted them to tell me whether this deal was good or bad for me. I wanted them to tell me something, anything. But they all just...sat there. What if they hate me for taking this decision? What if this is a trap? Maybe the reason my parents are not saying anything is because they think my decision was wrong. What if my career gets destroyed because of this deal? What will happen to my parents, my sisters? Suddenly I felt a sharp pang in my chest and my head started aching. My eyes widened. Oh God, not now. Not in front of my family. Suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my chest. It was more than a pang, it felt as though somebody punched me in my chest. I gasped and jolted up. My dad asked me if I was fine. I just nodded my head and stood up. I have to go to my room. They can't see me like this. I took a step forward, but as soon as I did so my legs turned into jelly and I swayed badly to my side. My dad quickly caught me before I fell down and made me sit down on the couch. I closed my eyes and I could feel my breathes coming out in spurts. I held my head in my hands. Someone had their hand on my shoulder. I tried to divert my mind from going towards the darker parts, but found no avail.

The thing is no matter how hard a person tries, they can't divert their mind from going towards the darker places. And they certainly can't do so when the only thoughts going on in their mind are the dark ones. People say, Oh it's all in the mind. Don't think about such things it will be easy. If it was so easy, then why was I not finding success? Why is it that I still had those thoughts? And where would all those people disappear after telling those words? Why wouldn't they help? No answers right. Anxiety is not something I wished for. And it certainly is not something that is just in the mind. I don't know about others but for me it was more,and I mean way more than just a messing up of the brain. For me, it was more than just a constant state of worry. For me, it was more than those stereotypes. For me, it was seeing myself as a failure. For me, it was letting my family down. For me, it was upsetting the millions of people. For me, it was showing everyone that I am fine, but in fact dying a little from the inside everyday. For me, it was showing the world that I was strong, but in fact crumbling down from the inside. So yeah...for me it was more than Just a mental ailment or some sort of a pretense.

After what felt like a lifetime, my breathing finally came back to normal. My vision was blurry due to the tears. I quickly wiped them away, not wanting my parents to see it. I have caused them enough trouble. Suddenly someone put a glass of water in front of me. It was my mummy. I looked up into her eyes. Pain. Sadness. Guilt. Fear. Pity. These were the emotions hidden in those beautiful eyes of hers. A lump started to form in my throat but I quickly swallowed it back. Not here. Not in front of them. Suddenly I heard someone sniffling. I turned my head in the direction of the sound and the sight in front of me quite literally put a crack in my heart. Or maybe it completely shattered. It was Safaa. With cheeks and nose pink, lips trembling, tears running down her face and hands clutching her teddy bear, it was pretty much evident that she was frightened. My own sister was afraid of me. Waliyah was next to her and she looked at me with what I could decipher as Sadness. Now I felt really bad. One sister was afraid of me and the other was sad because of me. I slowly got up from the couch and timidly took a step forward. These attacks drained me of my energy.

I went and crouched down by Safaa. I held on to her And hugged her tightly. I could feel wetness on my shoulder from her tears. She was sobbing really badly. After she calmed down, I pulled back and brushed the hair from her face. I then wiped her tears and kissed her forehead. I told her that I was really sorry that she had to see all that and promised her that it wouldn't happen again. She furrowed her brows, shook her head and told me those words which I had never, ever expected to come out from her mouth.

"Zayn I am not angry at you or afraid of you. I am afraid for you. I am angry for you. I am angry at all those people who did this to you. I am angry at myself because you are going through so much yet I am not able to do anything. I am afraid for you because I know you are hurting. I want you to be okay and I want you to get all the love in the world because you deserve it. I am afraid that your past will refuse to let go of you so easily. I am afraid because I don't know how long you can keep doing this. I knew you had anxiety. I also knew what it meant, I searched it up. But reading about it and seeing it are two different things. So I was just a bit shocked. I am not at all angry at you or afraid of you. Just know one thing, no matter what happens,you will always have me. You will always have us. Even the guys. Never forget that Zayn. And take your time. It's okay to stumble and fall. What matters is that you get up again and I can see that you are trying. And for that I am proud of you. It will be okay Zaynie."

Saying so she went into her room, leaving all of us stunned. Is this truly my sister? When did she suddenly become so matured? It was only then that I realised:

They all suddenly became so matured to clean up the mess I have made. They all grew up faster than they should because of me and my issues.

(A/N) :Hey guys. So this is the third chapter. Damn. I feel bad for Zayn as in really really bad for him. Why does he have to go through all the difficulties in the world? Also... Safaa's speech was...wow. Zayn's thoughts are all over the place. So much is happening.

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