Speeches About Me and My Brain

Genocide... (Or is it Suicide?) By Patent No. 3906166

This was a free-rein speech - the topic was cellphones but we could write what we liked about them. This was written before I got my own phone as well!

Genocide.... (Or Is It Suicide?) By Patent No. 3906166

Cell phones. The very word makes people sit up and reach for their pocket or handbag, reassuring themselves with comforting pat of their iPhone, smartphone, or “rubbish Nokia” (Admit it, we've all had one of these). These people are lost. They have no hope of surviving. If you are one of them, this will do nothing for you. But if not, hear me! Save yourself.                                                                                                                                       By now you are utterly confused. What do cell phones have to do with this? More than you think. Let me explain. I have observed cell phones. I have conducted surveys, dissected phones, and done extensive research. The results are not pretty. I have discovered the alarming truth that cell phones are individual beings with a united purpose: TO ERADICATE ALL HUMAN LIFE FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH!!                                                                                                                                                      Their methods are subtle, and that is what I am here for. To warn you, that you may save yourself and the earth from destruction.

There are several techniques cell phones have devised to get rid of us, but I want to focus on the three most important. The first is through brain tumours, something which is fortunately being realised more and more in recent years. The second is infertility in men, and finally, how these phones are affecting our youth.

You could say, brain tumours are common enough. You could also say that it’s not that there are more tumours; it’s just that now we can recognise them. But are you sure? Cell phones have been shown to emit harmful electromagnetic fields, or EMFs. Although there is an ongoing debate on the subject, it is mostly accepted that a safe level of EMFs for a human to absorb is about 0.5mG. Cell phones give out approximately 4mG: eight times the recommended amount. The EMFs lodge in the tissues closest to the emitter (in most cases, the brain as the user holds their cell phone to their ear), and through a complicated process of chain-reaction, create a cancerous tumour. If the tumour is left untreated, it will slowly spread and kill the brain...one victim down, 7 billion to go.

The next method is a bit more long term. A study in 2006 of male infertility in America resulted in some alarming statistics. It was proved that men who use cell phones for more than four hours a day had, on average, a sperm count that was 23% lower than that of men who never used cell phones. The study also showed that the abnormal formation of sperm in heavy cell phone user was almost 50% higher than that of non-users! As well as this, men who keep their phones in their pockets on call mode will risk cancerous tumours in areas other than their brain. So what does this mean to the human population? It means that for every infertile man, there is an average of 2.5 fewer children to replace those who die from brain tumours. Therefore, we are losing the people we rely on to repopulate the earth.

In what is probably the cleverest plan of all, cell phones are using a method that works in the same way as infertility: cut it off at the root and you don’t need to prune the branches. Our teenagers are our future, and without them there is none. This makes them the perfect targets for cell phones. Teens that have phones become dependent on them to an alarming extent; in fact studies have shown that 37% of teens felt that they could not live if their cell phones were taken off them. Another study measured the link between cell phones and mental health in young people, and found that teenagers with phones are more likely to have problems with anxiety and depression: the leading causes for teen suicide. Worldwide, suicide is the third leading cause for death in young people between 15 and 24 years of age. Chain reactions: and no one suspects the innocent looking flip-top in their pocket.

Today I have opened your eyes to the murder in the deepest, darkest regions of your cell phone’s SIM card. I have introduced you to the plan of genocide through brain tumours, how infertility caused by cell phones is going to affect us, and how phones feed on the addiction of teenagers to them. So now you know. But will you listen? That’s up to you. Either walk away, unfeeling, and therefore help along the plan of the phones, or join with me. Toss your plastic time-bomb down the incinerator, and begin the saving of not only your life, but all human beings, from the scourge of Patent No. 3906166.