Getting Better Otherwise||Boris Pavlikovsky

|Twenty-Four|

  School had started up once again after Thanksgiving break. I had hardly saw Boris or Kaylee the first few days of school starting, which was great. I didn't have to worry about Kaylee trying to start shit and talking behind my back or Boris always staring at me and trying to talk to me throughout the day. I had a few days of somewhat peace, aside from the glares from the friends of that hockey player that Boris beat the fuck out of.
  But unfortunately, both Boris and Kaylee showed up to school today, their hands glued together and fingers interlocked. Even though I was angry with Boris for all the dumb shit he's been doing recently, seeing him so close with her made my blood boil and my body fill with envy. I couldn't understand, why I couldn't hate Boris fully. Why I couldn't just move on from him and act like he didn't exist. Even though every bit of me wanted to hate Boris, I couldn't. I'm angry at myself for still being in love with him even though he's done some dumb shit and hurting my feelings.
  I wanted to look at him and feel nothing, but every time I looked at him my heart would fill with both anger and butterflies. Which leaves me feeling angry and disappointed in myself. His smile still made my heart rate rise and butterflies swarm in my stomach. His stupid-ass laugh still made me smile even though I didn't want to smile. It was weird, being that attached to someone. Theo is the only other person that I cared so much for.
  Kaylee let go of Boris's hand and made her way over to her group of friends who were a few inches from my locker. I could see in my peripheral vision that they were all staring at me with angry and annoyed expressions, their voices barely auditable and whispering things. Boris was standing behind Kaylee, his eyes fixated on me and ignoring what the girls were mumbling about. Their whispers and laughter were making me even more anxious than I usually am.

  "Hey don't listen to them okay? Let's get to class." Theo whispered to me.

  I turned my head to the blonde boy who had a small reassuring smile on his lips. I weakly smiled back at the boy and nodded lightly. He grabbed his English book from his locker and waited for me to get my things. I grabbed my English textbook as well and locked my locker, turning to the boy. He then spun around and made his way to Mrs. Spear's class. I followed closely behind him and walked to my desk when we got into the classroom. Boris came in a few minutes behind me and Theo, sitting behind me in his normal spot.

  For the past few days, I was pretending Boris didn't exist, that everything we've done together never happened. I was slowly, very slowly, starting to convince myself. But now that he's right behind me, the small things we did together, even just sitting on the floor drunk as fuck, came to mind. The final bell bounced off the walls of the classroom, snapping out of my thoughts. I lightly shook my head to rid my thoughts of the wavy-haired boy.

  I tried my best to pay attention to what Mrs. Spear was saying, giving us instructions for an assignment that would be due in a few days. I was trying to jot down the instructions so I wouldn't forget what we had to have to meet the requirements for the essay. But I kept feeling the dark-haired boy behind me kick the legs of my chair, making it move slightly from the light force he was putting on it.
  I looked over to Theo to see his eyes glued to the front of the classroom, completely focused on what our teacher was explaining. I bit my bottom lip and turned my head back to the front, trying to ignore Boris as I was doing before. I tapped my pencil on my desk, trying to drown out Boris's whispers to me. But regardless of my attempts to ignore the boy, he kept kicking my chair to get my attention. I let out a small sigh and looked back at him finally. His brown eyes meeting my grey ones. A small smile appeared on his lips, his eyes brightening up at the sight of me.

  "Fucking stop," I whispered at the boy, my eyebrows furrowing as I spoke.

  His face fell slightly as if he was expecting me to start an actual conversation with him. But rather I just turned back around and continued to listen to Mrs. Spear's lesson. The kicking had stopped after that but I could hear his nervous fidgeting behind me. Boris was one to fidget when he was nervous or anxious but seemed to hide it well with other gestures.
  He would crack his knuckles, play with the bracelets on his wrists, chew on his nails, bite his bottom lip, and so on. But they're pretty normal fidgeting habits so no one really notices, but me. The rest of English class Boris left me alone but I could hear him mumbling things under his breath every once in a while and the sound of his heavy combat boots tapping on the tile of the school floor.