On My Mind

Why Music Matters

One of the things that I am proudest of, is the fact that I always try to be there for my friends. I am almost always available to talk to them if they need to get something off of their chest or even just know that someone cares for them. Oftentimes this means I have to hide my own emotions and feelings to be their rock. Now you may be asking yourself, what does this have to do with music? The answer is everything. More times than I can count, I have had to be numerous things for my friends. The therapist, the one who encourages, the one who always tells you that it's going to be okay. I have had to push my feelings aside so I can be there for them and I have had to do it so much, that no one ever really asks how I'm doing. If they do, it is normally out of respect, but I put on a brave face and a fake smile saying that I am fine, even though, deep down, I'm broken.

You may be thinking, "why haven't you talked to anyone about it?" The truth is: I have. I don't connect well with my parents, I don't trust my sisters, and my friends almost always tend to turn the conversation to their problems. It may sound like they are bad friends, but it's not like that. They are used to me being the one they turn to not the other way around. It may sound like I am making excuses, but it has been this way since the 6th grade. Most of my nagging issues haven't occurred until recently (Remember it is late January of 2021 when this part was written). Now you may be thinking, just get to the music part already.

Music for me is one of the few ways I can escape reality. One of the few ways I can let go of the world that drags me down. Sometimes I find songs that hit really close to home and I tend to get emotional. You wouldn't be able to tell in person because of that long explanation at the beginning. It's when I'm alone when the lyrics just seem to hit different. Certain songs just wreak havoc on my emotions. They cause me to daydream, think, and remember things that have or could have happened and most times those images make me lose it sometimes. 

I have never completely broken down, except for this one time back in November of 2020 (Relatively recent, I know). Anyway, so I had a major crush on a girl I used to work with. She was always nice to me and super easy to talk to. It took me months to get to know her and get the guts to ask her out. She said that she wasn't ready for a relationship at the time and hoped that the two of us could be friends until she was ready. Me, being my respectful and clueless self, thought nothing of it other than that she said maybe in the future. I had hope. We hung out together a couple more times before she started completely ignoring me. She stopped responding to my texts and acted like I didn't exist in person. After multiple attempts of trying to figure out what was going on, was it something I did, and why was she ignoring me, that she finally called me saying that she never had feelings for me in the first place. She had lied to me to spare my feeling only to cause me to hurt even more than before.

After that, she said that the two of us shouldn't even be friends anymore and with that all connection with her was severed. A person that I had spent so much time with and been nearly completely open with had turned their back on me. This is where the music comes into play. I had already told my mom what had happened and after our talk about how "she wasn't right for you" and "there are plenty of fish in the sea" and all that jazz, I went to on of two places that I can be alone and be allowed to think at the same time. As I took a shower, not that I physically needed one but I emotionally needed one, I played a playlist from my phone that I had thrown together just moments before. None of the songs really hit me until Truth Be Told, by Matthew West started playing. The first part got me instantly bawling. I had heard the song many times, but the situation I was in just made me completely break down. It goes:

Lie number one you're supposed to have it all together
And when they ask how you're doing
Just smile and tell them, "Never better"Lie number 2 everybody's life is perfect except yours
So keep your messes and your wounds
And your secrets safe with you behind closed doorsTruth be told
The truth is rarely told, nowI say I'm fine, yeah I'm fine oh I'm fine, hey I'm fine but I'm not
I'm broken
And when it's out of control I say it's under control but it's not
And you know it
I don't know why it's so hard to admit it
When being honest is the only way to fix it

I didn't have it together. No one asked how I was doing. It felt like everyone was having the time of their lives while I try and put myself back together. Despite telling my closest friends what happened, a lot of my feelings were still kept locked away out of a learned habit. I continued to act as if it barely phased me, but on the inside, I was shattered almost beyond repair. Everything in my life seemed to spin out of control. Music was one of the few ways I could be open about my feelings. Still working on moving on, but it's hard. 

With songs like Amnesia, by 5 Seconds of Summer, that bring back memories and how I wish I could just forget them all. Sometimes they help the process, but sometimes they can slow it down too. Lines like:

Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie?
If what we had was real, how could you be fine?
'Cause I'm not fine at all
I remember the day you told me you were leaving
And the dreams you left behind, you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape
'Cause I'm not fine at all

seem to hit a little to close to home. Though some lines don't apply like the fact that we never dated or the fact that we never slept together (I don't plan on sleeping with anyone until after marriage just a quick FYI), it still brought back memories of times that we spent time together, had fun, and were just teenagers. It still hurts to think about those memories sometimes and to look back and have regrets is a part of life. Our biggest what ifs. Like The Struts say in Could Have Been Me:

I wanna taste love and pain
Wanna feel pride and shame
I don't wanna take my time
Don't wanna waste one line
I wanna live better days
Never look back and say
Could have been me.

I sure have had my fair share of pain and shame. Not too proud on the amount of the other two. I certainly look forward to better days and on that note, I'll wrap it up here. 

Just a heads up, I plan on doing a name reveal in the near future, so if you want to know what my real name is and possibly what I look like, you should share this with as many people as you can. I know I am not a huge or popular writer on this platform, or any platform really, the support would be great. Don't forget to check out my other stories. I have put away my Star Wars one for now mainly because I was on a Star Wars high when I started it. 

Anyways, thanks for the reads,

Jedi Master Ardel, Son of Hephaestus, Gryffindor House.