Dream SMP Headcanon Oneshots

Heights (Tommy + Tubbo Angst)

*CW-dissociation, ptsd, manipulation, abuse, anxiety, suicidal thoughts*

(Alternate ending of the Disc Wars where Tommy has flashbacks before getting to the bench)

"I don't know, Tubbo. I haven't been back there yet."

Tubbo chuckled. "Come on, Tommy, we used to do this all the time!" 

I grimaced. It's true. Before I was exiled, this was one of our favorite past times. The path up to the bench was a long one considering we started at the community house. We walked down the path at a fast pace, much faster than I preferred. I stared straight ahead as Tubbo talked my ear off about one thing or the other. 

Was I ready for this? Whatever Dream did to me in Logstedshire wasn't going away. He must of poisoned me or messed with my head. That has to be it. Why else would I feel sick when I look at holes in the ground? Or when I see lava? Or-?

"Tommy, are you okay?" Tubbo stopped behind me. I came to a halt and tried to shake away the thoughts, the memories. I put on a happy face and spun around, 

"Yeah, why?" He tilted his head. "You just seemed..." he paused to look at me again. "Never mind. I just wanted to make sure, you know? The last few weeks couldn't have been easy." 

Here we go again. Everyone keeps saying "How are you?" or "We want to help you" as if it means anything now. Nobody came for me. Nobody wrote. Nobody cared. Only Dream did, but he hates me now. I have no one. The tightness in my chest that felt so familiar now returned as Tubbo wrapped up his little speech.

"I survived it. It's fine. I'm- I'm fine." I smiled weakly and continued down the path. Tubbo followed behind and tried to continue the conversation, but I think we both knew it was over. We passed the TarGay and began the ascent up the stairs. I began to think I could be okay until I looked over the side.

The tightness in my chest doubled as I gazed over into the abyss. I was in the Nether, at the portal. The heat below me kissed my skin as I stared into the lava below. The festive voices through the portal faded away and were replaced with the magma's call. It wanted me, and I was powerless to tell it no. I felt my breath beginning to catch in my throat as I tried to back up. 

"Tommy." A chill went through my body.

"No!" I spun around and fell backwards, narrowly falling off the edge. The heat was gone now, replaced by the breeze going through my hair. 

"Tommy!" I flinched and covered my face. "Please- please Dream, don't..."

"Tommy, are you alright?" I looked through my hands and saw Tubbo coming back down the stairs. I fought for my breath as I looked around. I wasn't in the nether. Dream wasn't here. Where is he? He can help me. Can he? He hurt me, but he's my friend. I pushed away the feelings and turned back to Tubbo.

"S-sorry, I'm fine. Just- just tripped is all..." I stood up shakily, not daring to look over the side again. The tightness wouldn't leave no matter how much air I inhaled. It wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. I have no one. No one. The thoughts spun in my head as we continued up the stairs. Tubbo wouldn't stop looking at me. He was judging me. He saw my emptiness, my uselessness. He knew I wasn't whole anymore. He resented me. His grinning face opposed his thoughts as he continued discussing which disk to listen to. I didn't care. I just wanted to run. Back to Logstedshire, back to Dream. 

My fake face began to fail me as I looked at my house. Too much happened here. The memories flooded back and joined my swirling thoughts. It was too much. I had to go. Now. I turned right to try and escape but I froze instead. 

I was back in Logstedshire, looking down into a small dug hole in the ground. The breath I fought so hard for left me, and I gasped for air. Tears pricked in my eyes and through the blur, green. A sickly, awful green. 

"Items in the hole, Tommy." I was frozen. It was happening again. Why does he visit me just to punish me? As though in autopilot, I responded, "Or what, Dream?" 

He smiled. 

His hand went to my throat quicker than I could react. He held me down as I kicked, choking on what little air came in. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. I was his and he knew it. Just a toy

Dream pulled back. I knelt on the ground, slowly coming to. He snickered. "Guess."

I stood up and turned around to see Tubbo again. I was at home, but I knew Dream had to be nearby. He was always there. He knew I escaped him finally. He was coming to kill me. I can't let Tubbo see. I can't. I ran past him. If I jumped over the fence by the bench, I could escape. I could be alone. I need to be alone. To be punished. 

I came up on the ledge and climbed the fence. I looked over the landscape. Far below me, Logstedshire sat. Destroyed. I was back on top of the pole. I had no home. I had no friends. I had nothing. The tears were streaming from my eyes now as the land below me shifted. From lava, to L'manburg, back to Logstedshire. From up here, it was all so insignificant. So small. So useless. So destroyed. So me. 

The tightness in my chest left as I realized my fate. Where else do you go when you've hit rock bottom? Just as my foot left the pole, the tightness returned, but not the same kind. A hug. Tubbo.

I closed my eyes. Within all the spinning, I heard him. I wasn't alone anymore. My eyes opened and I was on the other side of the fence with Tubbo. He was holding me, comforting me. My emotions flew out of me as I sobbed into Tubbo's shoulder. Every tight space in my abdomen seemed to be worked out with each heave, each tear pulled a thought from my mind. 

We sat there for what must have been hours. My heartbeat became regular, the tears stopped, and I could finally breathe. I pulled away to see Tubbo smiling at me with tears pricking his eyes. I took a deep breath and smiled back. 

He was here. 

I was here. 

I'm not alone anymore.