The Garden of Earthly Delights- Kylo Ren

Part 15

Thank you all for all the support. It makes me so incredibly happy. Here's another chapter :) literally months and months late I'm so sorry life has been tough ❤️ sorta short but next one will be longer I promise 💖💖💖. Cuts off at a weird point but I'm trying to get out this writers block so 😌

You didn't realize at first. You were in a state of bliss, your mind still foggy from getting fucked so hard. Your eyes were fluttering shut as you rested against Kylos chest, and you felt drowsy. You barely even recognized the feeling of your lips moving, and the hum of the words traveling up your throat and past your tired lips.

Kylos body tensed. His arms that wrapped around you loosened slightly, threatening to slip. Your skin burned at the loss of pressure, and suddenly you realized.

I love you

You didn't dare move. Your body froze completely as you came to the slow realization of what you had said. Panic drifted into your bones and you felt an ache in your chest and stomach that you couldn't seem to shake off.  You stayed silent, hoping if you did for long enough you would miraculously disappear off the face of the earth, the ground coming up and bursting through the floor to swallow you whole. That didn't happen however, and instead all of your muscles tensed at once. You stayed silent for a a moment, both of you breathing a bit heavier than before.

"I'm sorry," the words finally stumbled out, rumbling past your lips like they had been pushing against the prison of your clenched teeth, aching to come out and fix everything. "I was just-"

"Yeah it was just the high of the scene. I know. You're fine." He spoke too quickly. Too eager to patch up your mistake as well. Too in a hurry to get it over with.

For some reason, that was worse. You guys were together weren't you? Hadn't he tried to make that clear? So why was it such a problem that you said what you did. Sure it was maybe too soon, but why was he so quick to dismiss even the possibility of there being any truth to your words. Did he not like you? Was his idea of a relationship just trust and sex? Would it really be so bad if you did love him? Would he react the same way six months down the line?

You attempted to hold back tears, but they came in generous streams. Kylos hands no longer rest calmingly against your back, and instead sat at his sides. You missed the touch of his warm palms, embracing you like some sort of weighted blanket. Your body ached for his, and suddenly you felt very cold. Cold and alone. He hated you, didn't he? He was weirded out by you moving too fast. But then, what was the point?Why have you trust and submit to him if all he wanted was sex? Why so much emphasis on being there for you? Why protect you and care for you if in the end all he wanted was some company?If that was all he wanted, going around the corner would cost him much less than what he had to sacrifice for you. Did he get off on playing sick games with you?

You were taking it too far. He was probably just caught off guard, like anybody else would be. Still, why had he stopped touching you? Your fists balled against his chest and you sat still, waiting. Would he say anything else? Was this all that this situation would be?

Kylo of course was having trouble understanding the words you spoke. He knew you didn't mean them, but he didn't understand why that hurt him more than anything else. Had he wanted you to mean it? Why? It was so soon. He knew that. Still, he couldn't help but wonder what it might feel to have your love. He pictured holding you, somewhere down the line, running his fingers over your skin and whispering I love you's to each other. Was he even capable of that ?

You pushed your body against him, seeking the warmth of his embrace. Would you stay quiet again? Keep all your questions pent up inside and let them slowly build into one sided conflicts?

"Please hold me. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable, but I feel so cold" the words barely crawled their way past your lips, lingering in a whisper that trailed up the side of Kylos neck and into the recess of his mind. His arms slowly cradled over your spine again, desperate for your touch, but fearing making the wrong move.

"Im sorry."

He let out an involuntary sigh, sensing the fear and tension in your voice. His muscles relaxed, realizing you were just as nervous as he was, if not more.

"Don't apologize bunny, you didn't do anything wrong" the words sliced through al your worries, making them all crash down in a pile of messy thoughts. Tears began to well in your eyes. Did you ever stop crying? You tried to keep the sounds in but as you desperately tried to breathe in, the sound rumbled in your chest and the air got stuck, tripping over itself to make it very obvious you were crying. Kylo looked down at you, concerned, and you began sobbing as you pressed your head to his chest, aware that he was staring, but not daring to look up at him.

"What's wrong baby?" He cooed at you, letting his hands roam up and down your back now as you hid from him, embarrassed, but overtaken by emotion, "I said it was okay bunny, what's going on?"

"I don't know. I'm sorry. My brain is everywhere and I just feel horrible. I can't think I'm sorry I don't know, I don't know" you began to hyperventilate, breathing becoming harder to do the more you tried.

"Take a deep breath for me bunny, it's okay. Just breathe. In..." he took a deep breath, and you followed suit, "and out... that's it. Good girl. You're okay. Keep breathing for me," you did. You followed his breathing until you were calm enough to listen and understand what he was going to say.

"This happens quite a bit doesnt it," he chuckled, and usually you would find comfort in his joking tone, but today you let out an involuntary whimper, trying to keep from crying again. Kylo was quick to coo pretty words at you and assure you he didn't mean it as a bad thing.

"Let's talk about this. It's my bad really for putting this off when we should've had a formal conversation about it a long time ago." Was he going to talk about how you said you loved him?

"Your subdrops seem to be very intense," oh. No he wasn't. Still, he was right. You should talk about this. You felt like breaking down after every intense session with the large man. You just whimpered into his chest, signaling for him to continue.

"Is there a reason why bunny? Is everything okay? Am I doing something you don't like?" Too many questions at once. You shook your head no rapidly, trying to catch up.

"I don't know I don't know I don't know. I just feel so sad and  gross and lonely after and I-"

"Lonely?" He asks, cutting you off slightly.

"No I mean. I don't know. Like. Cold. Sorry."

"Don't apologize princess. I just want to understand. What else?" He rubbed his thumb over your back, giving you a kiss in the head. The gesture comforted you.

"I can't explain. I don't know. I just feel so good and then... then I don't" you worked up the courage to look up at his face, finally. Concerned eyes met your own now sleepy ones.

"Mhm. Those are just your endorphins crashing from the scene most likely. Too many happy chemicals all at once and then they just stop. I should be doing a better job at bringing you down from that slowly and I haven't been. I apologize"

"No no no it's not you I-"

"It is me. I've been too worried about being too lovey with you and I've ignored aftercare. Thats on me."

"Aftercare..." you trailed off. When was the last time someone had cared enough to offer you aftercare? Genuinely offer it to you. In fact, when was the last time you heard somebody say those words ?

His head snapped down to look at you. Your eyes met his, and your brow twitched slightly, more emotions threatening to overflow.

"Oh god, you poor thing," he understood. A mutual understanding. You hadn't felt held in years. He hadn't opened up in more. He was willing to do so now, for you, here in this moment.

"You're okay, I'm here." You broke down sobbing.