Missing feeling sucks so hard. It feels like my heart is trying to pound right out of my chest and run straight to you. It stings in my belly, I can't breathe. I just need you. I need you to hold me tight and say it's okay and that you will never leave me. But it won't happen. So instead I'm here, crying and trying to corntol my breath. I really want to meet this summer, and if that won't work, later, for my bday. I can't take this, it keeps killing me inside. Again and again. Another knife stabbing me. My brain telling me to shut up and act normal, my heart trying to get to you and my body screaming for help. I've never been good with emotions. I don't know how to express them, I don't understand what other people feel and why they do. I just know that it fucks me up. I've got too many. I need to release them somehow, but I don't know where. Another month of lockdown. I'm happy since we probably won't have to do state exams, but I'm also scared. I can't go back to normal life anymore again. No more sports, no more school. No more parties and meeting up with people. I'm scared of it. I'm scared of what I'll do and feel after a while. I want to get better, I really do, but this doesn't help at all. The small bit of light at the end of the tunnel they gave me, the date this would all end, is crushed again. Another month. I don't know what to do with myself day after day. I have nothing to do, I don't want to do anything. I want to sleep, but can't cos of all my worries. Day after day I just miraculously hope I won't wake up again. It's a bad thought. I shouldn't think that.
I want some light at the end of the tunnel back. I want to have something to look forward too, a reason to keep going. And right now that's meeting you this summer, so I really hope we'll manage to. Even tho I'll hate myself after it, it'll be good for the moment. Heck, it'll be the best moment of my life to finally see you. But after you'll leave I'll be lonely again. With nothing to look forward to. I have no motivation. Thats what depression is for me. I have no motivation to keep on going, to do even the simplest stuff. I just lay on my bed the whole day and wait for dinner. A smol trick I taught myself. I just gotta look forward to dinner, and then ill get myself trough the day. The evenings and nights tho, are the worst. I lose my purpose then. I did my daily task, attend dinner, and then I have nothing again. Bad thoughts come in, sometimes missing feeling comes to make it worse...
But I'll have to keep going. I gotta keep going for you. I need to finish my course, talk to kindertelefoon a few times more, find something that makes me happy and go on. I can't leave you. I can't let you live with that.
I told you before, you said it was unfair, but my whole reason to keep going here is you. You make me happy, you are my reason to get up again ever morning and keep trying. I'm sorry for that. I don't want to rely on you that much and I definitely don't want to be a burden to you. So I'll fix myself.
I promise ❤
Xx, Meik
