At times like these I ask myself, what if I didnt tell you? I know I had to at some point, but I hate making you sad so much. And maybe later you wouldnt have minded it so much. Maybe. Or maybe I'm just stupid, keeping you from doing something you like. With my stupid ass brain. And stupid ass hormones. Making me cry again.
You being sad just makes me sad babe, I dont know why or how. Maybe just that thingy of me where I take over emotions, or maybe because I care about you too much for being sad about something like this. I guess it's a bit of both. Last time I made you feel bad I had the same thing. I just wish I could erase all that. I don't want to make you feel bad. And this thing isn't my fault, I know, but the thingy before was. I was just stupid, I didn't think you felt that way too. You never showed me or told me you felt jelly too. And since some people don't have that feeling I guessed you wouldn't either, so I didnt think about it. And I shouldve thought about it, because it always causes me a hella lot of pain and it probably does to you too. So imma make a promise to you and to myself to make sure you won't feel that jelly again cos of my actions. Not when I'm the cause of it.
I really hope we can talk today, that you processed it far enough to have a convo again, because I miss you so much. Which is a bad thing because you've been there all the time for me last weeks. I shouldn't miss you, I should just be happy. But I'm not. I want you here with me, instead of texting. But it's not possible and i should just wait. Wait more and more and more. Some day this will all solve itself. I really hope it will. I hope we'll find a solution to everything that's standing in our way. Because yes, maybe I'm stupid, but I don't want anyone but you. So I'm going all the way for you, and I'll do everything necessary to get us two together somehow. And I really hope you will too. I hope you wont be too annoyed by me by then, I know I'm not great and that I need a lot of attention and stuff. So I really hope that doesn't get to you, and that I make you feel like you don't wanna do this anymore someday.
Also I should get my self esteem up, like my mom says. I just don't know how. It just feels like everything is always my fault. Because I always see the best in people, and try to be positive about everyone. Which is very important to you. I won't even notice bad things you will do, I'll forgive you anyways. So please look out for me a bit. I hope I don't ask for too much with that.
I love you. I'm sorry I made you feel hurt.
Xx Meik
