Hey Manu. I'm kinda sad, and angry. Mostly because I dont really know how you feel, and you don't really know how I feel. All I want is your attention and love but you can't give me that. So in my head I say: "Why can't he just give me what I need?" But then I realize it's the same way for you. You need your freedom and space. And you probably think the same way about me. Why can't I just leave you alone when you need it?
The answer is because I am selfish. I am very selfish. I want you to feel good so bad but I need you. I need you even more than that.
I started losing weight again. Remember I sent you that screenshot about love sickness? It really is a thing. You havent been here a lot these last few days so my body starts reacting. I get less hungry, I lose weight and I'm tired all the time. It's just eating me up.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should think about what's best for me or think about what's best for us as a couple. Those things are not the same, unfortunately. And I want to make myself happy, but I just can't without you. It's impossible. Like now. I felt miserable all day, until you came back to talk to me. Well, 'talk'. But it doesnt matter. I told you whatever I needed to get off my chest and I was happy. And now you left again.
I don't know for how long I'll be able to take this anymore. But there is no solution. I thought everything trough, even breaking up, but that wont help either. Cos it'd only get worse and worse till at some point I can't stand living anymore and cut my wrists.
I remember you asked me why I was so hard on my to listen to Imke tell me about her depression last year. I guess it's simply cos I am the same. But I'm a coward, I don't dare to do it. Tho I think about it a lot. Not existing is better for everyone on this planet. I'm just annoying, I walk in everyone's way.
I just hope you'll let me call you soon. Or send me some pics. Or a sweet message. Something that'll give my head some rest for a while. My mind is in a constant fight between wanting to ask you for attention and letting you take your time. It's really hard. You experienced it with smoking, when you stopped. You feel weird, your body reacts different to things and you just feel off. That's what happens to my when you are not here.
I need you more than nicotine. Oh, let me sleep. Cause your love feels like a drug, all I need. And I've fallen way to deep. But I'd rather be with you than be free.
Xx Meik
