Always been you, not me

PROLOGUE

"Settle down," ani ko gamit ang malamyos na tinig.

Maririnig sa silid ang tunog na galing sa'king sapatos habang naglalakad ako patungo sa harapan.

Inayos ko muna ang aking gamit sa mesa bago ko sila tingnan.

Hindi man ito ang una kong nagustuhan, ngunit habang tumatagal ay nasasanay at unti-unti na akong napamahal dito.

Nginitian ko sila isa-isa at ikinumpas ang aking kamay. Nakuha naman nila kung ano ang gusto kong iparating at tumayo na.

" Good morning, teacher Clev," bati nilang lahat sa masiglang tono.

I smiled and signaled them to sit down.

It has already been seven years since I started teaching. This is not exactly the profession I want, but I am left with no choice. Magiging komplikado lang ang lahat kung susundin ko kung ano ang gusto ko.

I am not the ruler of my own life.

I am only a replacement.

A marionette.

I cleared my throat and turned my gaze once again to my students. Pansamantala kong dinadama ang preskong hangin galing sa labas, habang iwinawaglit sa'king isipan ang mga negatibong ideya.

Inilipat ko ang aking tingin sa notebook at nagsimulang buklatin ang pahinang tatalakayin ko sa kanila ngayon.

"Class, what makes you happy?" I asked with a smile plastered on my lips.

But it then vanished and I could only slap my forehead. 

When will these students going to learn to follow the rule raise your hand if you want to answer?

"Jollibee po teacher!"

"Ako po ayth limmm!"

"You're bulol na naman"

"Beautiful dolls!"

"Hala omygash, we're the same pala"

"Laruang sasakyan po!"

Hindi ko napigilan at napatawa na lamang sa narinig kong mga sagot. Ano pa nga ba ang inaasahan ko, they are just eight years old- so young, innocent, and playful.

Mga batang ang tanging iniisip ay puro laro, pagkain, at damit. Ang dali-dali lang nilang pasayahin.

I envy them.

Kaya nga minsan hindi ko maiwasang gustuhin na bumalik sa pagkabata. Yong tipong ang pagiging taya, pagtulog sa hapon at ang pagpalo ng nanay natin sa puwet ang tanging poproblemahin. If I could only turn back the time and enjoy my childhood days. But I know I couldn't.

I sighed.

Kinuha ko na lamang ang projector at laptop ko para maipakita sa kanila ang ginawa kong presentasyon.

Hindi na gumagamit ng blackboard ang paaralan namin dahil na rin sa kagustuhan ng mga magulang ng mga batang nag-aaral dito. Ani nila na mas effective daw kong projector ang gagamitin dahil mas makukuha nito atensyon ng mga estudyante at nakakatulong din ito sa amin, para hindi na namin kailangang magsulat pa.

Whatever modes of instruction will be used, it depends on the students' willingness to learn. It may be a variable but it doesn't take too much part of the student's learnings.

But I can't stop them, kung iyon ang naiisip nilang mas makakabuti sa kanilang anak, then be it. Sila rin naman ang gumastos at nagsponsor nito.

Habang nagseset-up ako ay napansin kong biglang tumahimik ang klase. I noticed that they all looked in the left corner of the room.

There, a little girl was standing which immediately catches my attention.

Mayroon siyang bilugang mukha, mamula-mulang pisngi, buhok na abot hanggang beywang at may suot na headband.

She really stands out from the rest of my students. Siguro dahil sa napakadisente at pormal nitong pagkilos na animo'y kalkulado.

Huminto muna ako sa aking ginagawa at ibinigay sa kanya ang aking atensyon.

"Yes, Dana?" tanong ko sabay lapit sa kanya.

I noticed that she cannot look at me straight in the eyes, where it seems like she's hesitating.

Imbes na pigilan ay ginawaran ko siya ng ngiti, hudyat na handa akong makinig sa kung anuman ang nais niyang sasabihin.

Dana is a bright and disciplined kid. There's something about her whenever she speaks or tries to share her thoughts in our class. She never once failed to impress me with her intelligence, which makes me more interested in her.

I smiled at her again.

"M-m-my worth to be seen, to be taken care of and, to be nurtured by my mother," aniya sa maliit na boses.

I felt my throat run dry.

I never expected that kind of answer. It rendered me speechless.

Kailanma'y hindi sumagi sa aking isipan na ang isa sa aking mga estudyante ay may ganitong karanasan.

As a teacher, kahit hindi ko sila kadugo basta't nakikita ko silang nahihirapan ay nasasaktan ako. Kaya ay hangga't maaari ginagawa ko ang lahat ng makakaya para mabigyan at maturuan sila sa abot ng makakaya ko.

I signed up for this profession and this is what I vowed for.

The feeling I have felt earlier was now replaced with pain and pity.

Ang daming bagay at tanong na namumuo sa aking isipan ngunit nahihirapan akong isa-isahin ang mga ito.

Ang mga salitang ninanais kong bigkasin ay nahihirapan akong maisatinig.

It seems like at a young age, her mind matures in its own way.

"Why?" tanong ko sa mababang boses.

Naramdaman kong may nagbabadyang luha sa'king mata ngunit pinigilan kong tumulo ang mga ito. Ayokong maging emosyonal sa harapan nila.

Unti-unting inangat ni Dana ang kanyang ulo. While she was staring at me, I saw an immense pain in her almond eyes. Hinawakan niya nang maigi ang panyong nasa kanyang kamay, na para bang dito siya humuhugot ng lakas.

"Ever since I was born, I never had the chance to experience all of those, every time I approach her she'll just turn her back and call my nanny to accompany me. I thought all moms love their child but why do I feel as if I'm nothing to her teacher, why?"

Unti-unti nagbagsakan ang kanyang mga luha. At sa bawat hikbi ay ramdam ko ang sakit at paghihinagpis.

Rinig sa buong silid ang kanyang hikbi na patunay lamang kung gaano niya ito dinamdam.

Somehow, I can see my young self from her.

Alam ko kung gaano kahirap at kasakit ang naranasan niya. I've been there.

There's nothing much painful than being neglected by the person who matters to you the most. I know it all.

I continue to look at Dana who was busy weeping. I take a step forward towards her, out of my concern. My hands are only an inch away from her face, but I immediately stopped midway.

To be the master of the future, one must close the door of the past and stop dwelling on it.

"You make me suffer, you give me pain."

But it isn't for me.

With a shaking hand, I balled it into a fist. Now pain and anger blinding my sight.