What She Needs

7. Diagnosis

Diagnosis- Alanis Morisette

Just want to say that I read online that relinquishing all control over food from a person with an eating disorder can be very helpful in early stages of recovery. But I'm not an expert and it might not help everyone. As usual, this is fiction and anything stated shouldn't be taken as fact, when I'm basing things off of google research not a psychology degree. Happy reading!

Addisons POV

Arizona texts back a couple hours later. I assume she was in her transplant surgery.

AZ- I knew it. What are you going to do? Force the food down her throat?

I reply

Me- I'm not sure that will help. My little sister, Dereks sister, had an eating disorder years ago. she would lash out if anyone even mentioned food or how much she was eating.

AZ- Dereks sister? Amelia? God, I didn't even make the connection between you two!

Me- Yeah. Amelia Shepherd. You know her?

AZ- She did her residency at Hopkins! I was an attending there for a while, we worked on a few peds/neuro cases together. I never noticed anything was wrong- but come to think of it...

Me- I shouldn't tell you Amelias story.

AZ- if she's anything like she used to be, she'd be pissed you even told me what you already have!

Me- that's true. But she wouldn't mind too much. We're not gossiping. We're trying to help Meredith.

AZ- yes, Meredith. I think the best bet will be to really get her talking. Give her choices. Give her control. But not around food. Ask her what she wants to watch on tv not what she wants for dinner. Too much choice might overwhelm her.

Me- if I ask her what she wants for dinner she'll say nothing.

AZ- exactly. So it's our job to make those decisions for her until she is able to.

Me- I don't want her to resent me. Amelia resented me.

AZ- I'm sorry Addison. I have a feeling this is going to be hard. For everyone.

Me- I know. It'll be hardest on Mer though.

AZ- Adds, I've just been paged. I'll call by later. I love you!

Me- love you Az.

I flip my phone shut and engage in the world around me again. My houseguest has been watching tv in her room for a couple hours now, so I best check on her. Guess I'll prepare for her to bite my head off. She looks like a child curled up on the queen sized bed, the comforter enveloping her so there was only a small gap for her to watch the tv through. It made my heart leap seeing her so comfortable, so unguarded.

"What you watching?"

A little head peeps out, smiling sheepishly.

"Friends! Joeys looking after this duck. It's really cute."

"I love this episode! It's funny isn't it!"

"Yeah!"

She lifts the comforter and pats the bed next to her, effectively offering me a spot in her little cocoon. I oblige, sliding in next to her body. Her really cold body.

"Meredith, god! You're freezing!"

She looks at me and just chuckles.

"Hence the massive pile of blankets Addison..."

"Well yeah... do you want me to turn the thermostat up?"

Personally I'm comfortable with the temperature, but guests always come first.

"Oh no, don't bother, I'll still be cold. It's like I'm cold from the inside out!"

She's joking. But it's sinister.

"Well, we know why that is don't we..."

Meredith raises her eyebrows and forms a scowl. A 180 from her laughing at Joey's antics 2 minutes ago. The look is telling me to end the conversation right here. But I can't. This week is supposed to be about talking. I'm thinking about Arizona's words too. She craves control. She craves feeling. But I think she also craves someone to take control from her. Someone to make the decisions. Someone to hold her up for a while. She needs a goddamn break.

"Why do you have to ruin things Addison?"

"I'm just being honest Meri. You're cold because you aren't eating."

"I'm not even that cold."

I mean her feet are ice blocks but okay. I'm not going to argue.

"I just popped up to tell you dinner will be at 6. Arizona's popping over after work. She had a successful transplant today so you can quiz her about it over veggie chilli."

I'm prepared for a screaming match over dinner but instead she removes herself from the cocoon, when the door bell rings and follows me down the stairs to let Arizona in. Before I can say hi, meredith asks me a question.

"What's in veggie chilli?"

"It's mixed beans and tomato and zucchini and veggie mince and carrot. Or we could put other veg in it if you'd prefer?"

Arizona butts in.

"Nope, they're my favourite vegetables. We'll have those thanks!"

She whispers in my ear.

"Seriously. Don't give her any choice over the food. She'll be overwhelmed. Hi by the way!"

I back away, shutting the door and leading the way to the dining room table.

"Hi Arizona. How was the transplant? I'm sure Merediths got a million questions."

"Ahhh yes! Meredith, I've got pictures of the scans if you want to see?"

"Maybe after dinner Dr Robbins, I'm already feeling a bit nauseous."

"Oh honey, we're not at work, call me Arizona. What have you two been up to today then? You feeling better after this morning?"

Oh yes. The massive panic attack. I suppose she would still be feeling nauseous after that but I figure it has more to do with the steaming dinner I'm plating up. I give her a child's size portion, considerably less than I serve for me and Az, but I want her to be as comfortable as possible. And giving her an adult portion to pick at might make things worse? I'm not really sure to be honest.
I notice Merediths anxiety is bubbling up again as she vaguely answers Arizona's questions and mindlessly picks at the scars and scabs under the sleeve of her cardigan. I sit next to her and pull her hand away.

"Stop scratching yourself Meredith. You're okay. What's wrong, other than the obvious?"

She actually begins to answer me honestly.

"I find it a bit tricky to eat in front of other people. I know you said I can't eat in my room, but maybe could you not stare at me. I don't want you to see how much I'm eating. You'll think I'm greedy."

"No honey." Arizona says. "We won't think you're greedy. We think you're a growing girl who's hungry because her body has been starved for too long. We're not staring, I promise you. Come on, I'll tell you all about my patients today. Had some crackers in the ER!"

Surprisingly dinner goes fairly smoothly. Meredith doesn't eat a lot. But she eats, holding my hands the entire time and periodically squeezing, reminding me she's struggling. She spends the evening holding her tummy in pain, not used to the feeling of digesting a meal, so I lay her in my lap while Ari's hand snakes under her top to rub soothing circles on her distended belly. I switch friends on again, needing something mindless and funny to take my mind off things and that's where Meredith falls asleep for the night. In my arms.