The Power Of Love

Don't Freak Out

21. Don't Freak Out!

         I dragged myself through an entire day feeling like a zombie as I smiled, and I nodded at whatever communication was targeted in my direction. And I didn't smile because I wasn't genuinely profoundly happy; I smiled because I was drained from crying too much and didn't feel like doing so any longer. But more importantly, I had to fake a smile because Eric disappeared and hasn't returned since morning, and although the voices in my mind did what they do best and taunted me, I still managed to ignore them.

I even got involved in the exercising session today, which I guess was a positive thing because of how wildly the nurses smiled when I volunteered amongst all the other patients, and we did Boxercise because it helps to release a lot of steam and stress. And so I punched and punched the bag for what felt like ages, but it didn't do much for me, in fact, it made me angrier, and I pushed the feelings deep down inside where I buried them, deeply.

Do you remember when we were kids and we were told stories about treasures? And how we all grew up with the theory of storing valuable items and things into boxes? Or how we were made to believe that the monsters are underneath our bed, or in the closet when really the monsters live deep within us. My treasure place ever since I was a little girl has been my heart, because I've stored and stored so many hurts and regrets deep inside, whenever something happened, I never talked about it because talking about it makes me angry, and talking about it never helps the situation. And so I store them in my heart.

My heart was a box filled with my deepest darkest hurts.

I had a warm shower, washed my greasy hair and changed into a 'Nirvana' T-shirt and ripped skinny jeans, with my favourite pair of Chucky t's, and wrapped my long hair into a ponytail. I picked up my usual medication and followed the usual procedure of swallowing them and then showing the nurses that I did take them, and then I waited for the pills to settle because they didn't want me to throw it up. Then I was free to go and I went to the library where I chose a new book to read, and then I went back to my bedroom and I wanted to start reading my new book because I was excited but I couldn't.

And so I sat in the darkness of the room with my arms wrapped around my legs as I stared blankly into the darkness. I didn't want to be on my own, but I didn't really have an option; Leila was busy trying to score positive points so she could leave the hospital. And the common room was dull because repeatedly they played the one episode of Family Guy and I didn't want to sit through it again, it made me even more depressed.

But as I sat in the blacked-out room, I realised that I couldn't be scared of rejection anymore, not if I wanted Eric to see that I was serious about him. I sat up and made my way out my bedroom and down the corridor, slipping past the nurses unseen I entered the boy's block and stopped at Eric's bedroom. I gulped down the lump that formed in my throat and knocked on the door lightly, after no answer I opened the door and stepped in.

The room was completely dark, I looked around trying to make him out in the darkness but my eyes failed me. I closed the door behind me, going to turn the light switch on, I faintly heard him call out.

''Don't'' Eric said in a tone I've never heard him use before

Not with me.

I stood in my place not knowing what to say or what to do, and not being able to make out anything in eyesight because of the pitch black of darkness. The windows in his bedroom seemed to have been covered by something because there was no lights breaking through. I swallowed hard, feeling my heart drop in my stomach, I wanted to speak, but no words would leave my lips, because I had no words, I didn't know what to say to him, and with the darkness between us; surrounding us, the distance between us was heart-breaking, and I hated it.