The Power Of Love

The rain don't last

26. The rain don't last

          There's a famous saying by F. Scott Fitzgerald ''And in the end, we are all just humans drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness'' I used to wonder what he meant by this, and why he thought that every human felt the exact same, that we were all just desperate to be loved, but now I understood it. I used to think that the idea of it was all a bit bizarre, that someone would believe that love would be the answer to their problems, but now I understood it all so clearly.

Before I met Eric Saltzman, I had completely given up on the idea of love. I didn't believe that it was something that would ever work in my favour, I didn't believe that the comfort of having someone else would be the answer to the sadness that resided in my heart daily. I don't like the idea of depending on someone else, because everyone knew that when you gave the remote control of your life to someone else; they'd purposely go the wrong way. Everyone knows that when you leave your happiness in someone else's hands, they drop it; every time.

I trusted Eric to never to drop my happiness, because I believed in him and what the future had in store for us. I tried my very best to not fall for him, I tried everything I could. I believed the voices when they told me that he didn't feel the same, I tried as hard as I could to not fall for those blue eyes of his, but I couldn't stop what nature had in mind. And when I fell for him; it was instant. Falling for him was like being in a helicopter about to jump out; and you're so scared, and your heart is beating so fast and you've convinced yourself that this will be the way your life will end, but then you think that 'maybe this isn't such a bad way to go' and so you jump because everything in life is inevitable. And eventually you will fall in love, and it won't be when you want to, and it won't be because you want to, it will just happen, and you will feel like your heart is about to explode when you look into his eyes. And your heart will hurt because you've allowed him in, and he's seen everything, he's seen your scars, he's seen your heart naked, he's seen the bareness of your soul, he's touched you without even lifting a finger, and then you realize that there's no going back.

You love him.

He loves you.

And there's no going back.

I sat in the darkness of my bedroom, dressed in an overlapping nirvana sweatshirt, my hair pulled up in a messy bun, my fresh tears drying on my already wet cheeks. I sniffed, wiping my eyes stubbornly as I roughly rubbed my face with my hands continuously as if trying to wipe away the sadness; trying to wipe away the years of pain and hurt, but it remained. My entire day went by in a blur; everything I did seemed robotic, like a chore that I had no choice in whether I completed it or not.

I went to my session. I ate dinner. I showered. I attempted to read a book, but my tears soaked the pages. I attempted to sleep, but my heart hurts too much for sleep. I had to carry on with life because it didn't stop because I was sad, it continued, and no matter how many times I closed my eyes and hoped that nothing was the truth. I couldn't erase it. Eric was leaving, and the single thought of it made me feel at bare, it made me feel exposed.

Almost like I was left out as prey for the lions (depression) and they were eager to see me. More tears fell from my eyes routinely, and I didn't bother to wipe them away anymore. I felt vulnerable, I allowed someone in to see everything and ended up broken. I covered my mouth to stop the sobs, but they escaped and I tried to catch my breath, as I closed my eyes, thinking of bright colours, bright vibrant scenery, to stop myself from having a panic attack.

Eric came by my room three times today, and he waited for an hour, but I didn't open the door. I wasn't ready to face him just yet, I didn't want to look into those blue eyes, knowing that soon I wouldn't be able to. I didn't want to face the reality that he was leaving. I didn't want him to leave.