Spencer Reid Oneshots~ by writing-in-april

Off the Table~ Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader (ANGST)

Summary: Based off of the song called off the table by Ariana Grande. Reader wants to ask Spencer, I'd love off the table?
A/N: this is my first song fic guys! Hope y'all like it!!
Warnings ⚠️: References to Maeve's death, Unrequited love in the past, Taxic behaviors in the past, Potential unrequited love in the future
Word count: 1.5k

Will I ever love the same way again?
Will I ever love somebody like the way I did you?
If I can't have you, is love completely off the table?
Do I sit this one out and wait for the next life?
Am I too cold? Am I not nice?
Unfortunately the questions swirling in my head weren't illogical intrusive thoughts, they were real. I loved him with all my heart, but I wasn't convinced he felt the same way. In fact, I knew he didn't feel the same way.
Maeve, that was her name. Maeve was the reason why. Though if I was honest with myself it was my own fault that I was sitting here in uncertainty. Spencer might not be yet healed from what happened to her or ready. Spencer might not yet be healed or ready to move on from what I did to him. Maybe he'd never be healed or ready.
I just wanted to ask him if love was completely off the table.
Was my dream of feeling his love for me like a glass swept off the table, shattered into a million pieces, broken beyond repair? It sure felt like I was already broken.
I wouldn't know until I asked him.
I wouldn't know until I asked him if the shattering of my dream was something he did on purpose or if he broke me on accident. I wouldn't know if love from him was completely hopeless until I asked.
"I just want to know is love completely off the table?" Tense silence was what I was met with after I asked the question I had been thinking about for months. It felt like we were a million miles apart as we sat at his kitchen table, like If I reached across to hold his hand I would never be able to reach their warmth. Tears were now flowing rivers down my cheeks as the gap of silence got longer and longer. I spoke in desperation because I needed to fill the deafening silence, "I'll wait for you"
Even though it always feels like I'll be number two to someone that he can't hold anymore, I'd wait for him. Maybe I was too naive, maybe I should just accept the fact that it's been years since Maeve had died and he still wasn't over her, maybe I should just give up. But, I couldn't.
If he would just let me in, I'd give him what I couldn't before. I let him slip through my fingers once before, I had been a fool to let it happen. It had been before he had even met Maeve, before he had gone to prison, before it felt like a million miles were between us at the table. Back then I wish I had shown him how much love he deserved in his life, how much I loved him.
But, I didn't do it well enough. I had been in a dark place back then, though it was nothing to how dark I felt right now. There was no excuse for my actions before, I shouldn't have gotten his hopes up just to crush his dreams by running to someone else. I had been toxic, then I was toxic to someone else. Now the person I had run to was gone, I shouldn't have let Spencer go in the first place. It seemed so stupid now, the fact that I had been afraid to be loved by a man like him, I had believed that I didn't deserve him. Now it felt like karma was turning the sword back on me by crushing my own dreams. I was a fool to take my own love off the table last time and some part of me acknowledged that it was selfish of me to ask Spencer to love me again. I swear I don't mean to be like this, I wish I could stop being selfish. But, I couldn't let it go. I couldn't let it go like I had done last time, that's how he had found Maeve in the first place. I couldn't give him my all back then, but I will now.
"I couldn't give you my all last time, but I will." I tried to reach across the table to grab his hands, they weren't there to grab. He had pulled them away at the last second, making the million miles between us stretch even further. I begged for an answer with another promise that I knew he couldn't trust, "I can you love you harder than I did before."
If he'd let me in his arms, If he would just let me in his heart, I could love him like he deserved. I just wished I had never tried to find something better than him, there was no one better than Spencer. It was a folly on my part to believe that he would be easy to replace. If love from him was off the table, I wondered- Do I sit this one out and wait for the next life?
If he took love off the table would I ever love someone the way I loved him? I wish I hadn't been so scared back then to be loved by him. My past self was stupid to think that anyone could live up to him, that anyone could replace him. No one could compare to Spencer Reid.
"I don't think that love's completely off the table" The words cut through the silence, breaking through some of the barriers we had both built up. My once sad tears were replaced with ones of hope once I had processed the words he had said to me. The hope was cautionary as his statement still left room for failure, but I could breath a little easier.
He was probably asking the same questions in his head that I was. "Will you be there? Can I still love you? Should I still love you? If I let you, can you prove it to me?"
We both had healing to do, from both of our tragic pasts and our past mistakes. Neither of us were ready to go completely steady, but at least love wasn't completely off the table.
"Can you hold me?" I whispered cautiously, still in fear of rejection from him. He beckoned me over, shrinking the distance between the two of us from a million miles, to just a table a part. I stood up with shaky legs to travel the once long distance, it now was just a few steps to reach him. When I reached him I stood for a few minutes in uncertainty whether I should touch him.
Even though he had beckoned me over to his side of the table, did he truly want for me to touch him again? Did he want me to try and prove myself? Or if I tried to touch him would he realize that he couldn't love me anymore. It was almost too hard to believe that I was there within an arm's reach of his touch, so close to gaining a slice of what I needed. As if he could read my racing thoughts he reached out to me with a steady sure hand, like he was sure he wanted to try again.
When I touched him for the first time in so long I melted into his arms almost immediately, I touched him like I believed in it. I believed that one day, we could both love each other again. I believed that love could be on the table again. It was going to be hard for him to believe me again, but I would wait. I would prove to him that I'd never leave him again. I'd be there for him through thick and thin, no matter what, even if he never truly loved me again.
I wasn't her even though I still think he wished I was and he wasn't him, thankfully. It's going to be hard to let someone else in again, but I'd do it for him. I wasn't scared anymore, I just wanted to be with him. I'd do anything for love to be put back on the table. I craved for him for him to be there, to be mine fully. I hoped he'd let me in too. But, I would make sure to not push him to open up.
He wasn't healed yet, nor was he ready, but I would wait for him. I swear, I swear, I will wait for him. I would wait for him, whenever he needed, even if I had to wait forever. I may even have to accept that I'd always be number two, but I would wait. I'd wait until love is set back on the table.