I'm an idiot || Soukoku [complete]

8.

I feel like I'm kinda ruining this story so I'm sorry lol
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Chuuya's pov

it's been six days.

Six days since Dazai went in a coma. With every hour his chances of ever waking up are getting slimmer and slimmer. I can sense doctor's sad smiles and nerves all around me.

They gave up on trying to get me out of Dazai’s room, so they're observing me from a far, but due to almost hopeless situation, most of them are soft with me.

Nurses passing by started giving me food and trying to talk to me, but I always turn them down immediately. My sight is only focused on Dazai’s bed, his breathing and any movement he might make. His fingertip, his face muscle, a cough, a yawn, anything. I just need a sign, I need to know I won't be the one cutting off his life.

Though it is annoying, it's still a little comforting that I'm almost always accompanied with someone from the Armed detective agency. Kunikida usually comes after lunch, Atsushi in the evening, Ranpo and Fukuzawa stayed through the whole first day, but I haven't seen them since. Yosano came twice, and actually was nicer than I expected. Maybe they all care about Dazai, I just didn't see that earlier.

However, when the ADA got a call in the middle of the night, saying Dazai is on the brink of death, most of them laughed it off. I was the one to call them, and it made me mad. how can they say that, if he's seriously battling for his survival?

Kenji and Tanizaki were the first ones to arrive. they both ignored the fact that my clothes and face was bloody, they were too worried to care. If- when Dazai wakes up, I will make sure to say that those two are hella reliable.

Atsushi is probably just clumsy, I heard he got into a car accident while trying to get to the hospital as fast as he could. Kyoka was in the car too, she had a concussion after that, so Atsushi only came in the afternoon.

I was able to talk to them all, more or less anyway. When they heard I was the one to attack Dazai, their view about me changed. Even Kenji avoided my presence, and it made me feel more down than I already was.

I knew it. I knew it all, how stupid and reckless I've been. I tried to convince myself that I was doing the right thing, but I was only trying to avoid the dillema. I searched for the easiest way out, I acted on a habit, mindlessly following orders. that's my weakness -loyalty. I was too loyal to Port Mafia, I stopped questioning my own morals and behaviour, anything Mori said was law to me.

I guess I'm taking the first step. I managed to stop myself, but at what cost? he's almost dead, if you can say that. Dazai might never wake up, and my loyalty will get the best of me.

After all this time, I now manage to think about this more calmly, or maybe I learnt to push away that dark fear, creeping behind me.

He will wake up. that bastard is too strong to die from my hesitant blow, I know it, he won't lose to me.

right?..

***

- Sir, do you want a portion?- young nurse approached me.

- sure,- I weakly nodded and took a bowl of soup from her.

it was late evening, she probably had an extra plate, so the nurse visited me. She was one of the nicer staff, I think she pitied me.

Of course, a man who stays in the same hospital room for a week does look hopeless and desperate. I only came home twice, to change clothes and shower, however it was only for an hour.

overall, I just slept on the uncomfortable chair or the floor, honestly I have no idea how they're allowing me to stay, it must go against their rules. Well, if I needed to, I would fight with my teeth and nails, just to stay in this room, as close to Dazai as possible.