I've been sad and had anxiety since my debut
At first, when i signed in BigHit entertainment, i wasn't sure of myself
But the members seemed cool so i stayed
And fought the haters and the bad comments
But they somehow affect me
And i feel like i'm left alone now
And it hurts
I just laugh on stage
And have fun in front of people especially BTS's fans
But behind the scenes, when no one is looking, i lock myself in the bathroom and start crying
I thought i hide it well from other members
But ...
I DIDN'T
When they hear me crying, they just knock the door and tell me that everything is gonna be alright
But what's alright ?
Nothing is alright !
Nobody understands me...
NO ONE DOES !
They keep lying and saying that they understand and they are here for me
But nobody could understand what i feel
I already lost everything
And when i say everything... i mean everything
And my grandmother was my last hope
But she...
PASSED AWAY !
I am scared, afraid, i am not confident anymore
People see me from the outside
But no one searches for the inside and for the dark side that everyone has
My dark side is biggest than i thought
I am left in the darkness
I am fighting alone
Members try their best to comfort me
But sometimes i hide that i am sad from them
I don't want to make them worried
It just makes me even sad
And at each concert, i must cry
Because i feel like i didn't deserve all this support and love from A.R.M.Y.
I don't deserve to have supportive members
I don't...
I just don't !
In fact, i don't deserve anything
A.R.M.Y say " why can he ever be sad, he has everything, a beautiful face, money, he is even living with our biases, he has a hot and muscular body"
I should feel happy about that
But i feel bitter somehow
I feel like i can't be happy anymore
I just fake my love in the interviews, and concerts or meetings
I lost feeling a long time ago
And the hardest part, was sharing my grandma's death
It was so hard
I almost passed out on stage while telling the whole story to A.R.M.Y
But people usually feel better after talking to someone about their sadness
and what's happening to them
But i just felt worst
That night , i didn't sleep neither eat
And members started worrying so much and tried talking to me
But i just felt that i should be alone
Leave me alone !!!!
