Quintessential

Chapter 10

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Warning- a large amount of internalized homophobia in this chapter!! (Place marked in reading)

Also- this chapter is more of a flash back so we can see what happened that caused Remus and Lily to kiss.

Remus hated himself. He hated the monster he became once a month, he hated that he put his friends in danger once a month, he hated that he couldn't control his temper sometimes, he hated that he was incapable of making a single decision, he hated that he pushed everyone away, and he hated that he couldn't express his emotions.

James always was the best at cheering Remus up, telling him everything he needed to hear, making him forget about his problems. Peter could distract Remus very well, he shifted the boy's focus to other things so that he wasn't wallowing in pity. Sirius on the other hand, he was on of Remus' biggest problems.

Sirius was the most confident person Remus knew. He didn't care what anyone thought about him. He used permanent sticking charms to post naked women on his walls back home and when he came out to his parents, he did so by screaming every name of every person he ever kissed or hooked up with, he didn't take down the naked women, instead he charmed naked men over top of them.

Not only was Sirius confident, he was also charming. He walked as if he owned the whole castle, and he used to make girls fall at his feet with one smile. Teachers like him because he was funny, he was smart. No one was immune to his charm, least of all Remus.

Remus tried. He tried to avoid his feelings. The feelings that came along with being around Sirius Black.

His heart flustered when Sirius gave him a cheesy grin or sarcastic wink. When Sirius talked his glance lingered on Remus a little longer than it should and Remus couldn't help but to look back at him. When Sirius did something as simple as touch his shoulder or brush his hand, Remus would freak out at the simple gesture.

Warning- internalized homophobia

The feelings scared Remus, at first he repressed them, downgraded them to a simple crush. Sirius was his best friend, and a boy. That wasn't possible to feel such things to him.

Truth be told, Remus had barely knew being gay existed until Sirius came out to them one day. After that day, Remus' thoughts raced. 'What if, what if I'm gay too?' the phrase repeated itself inside his brain. Eventually, he accepted that, maybe, he could like men too.

End of Warning (summary- Remus was scared of his feelings but finally managed to come to terms with them)

But it was no use. Remus was a monster, and Sirius was the most lusted after boy in the school. There was no way that the feelings were mutual.

However, the night of the party, something happened.

James and Peter had gone down to start setting up while Sirius finished getting ready in their dorm. Remus wasn't much for party planning, he much preferred being able to simply show up. Therefore he stayed in the dorm with Sirius, but instead of getting ready he was reading.

Sirius came out of the bathroom door with his hair all done but only half dressed. He walked out with his shirt off and straight to his trunk. Remus glanced at him as he did so, but looking at his shirtless state, he quickly buried himself into his book.