My Thoughts

I Don't Know Anymore

I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. Like I know I do, but it's the lingering feeling in the back of my head that says that I should just give up. And more and more that feeling is getting worse.
My mom constantly asks me why I even bother to wake up in the morning, or what I have time live for. And I can't even answer that question. Some days I don't even want to wake up. But the only thing I have right now is my best friend. She helps me in so many ways and I feel like I don't do enough for her.
She even offered to be my temporary caregiver for when I'm little but I just feel like a burden all the time. Sometimes I wanna tell her to forget about me and be with her partner because I'll just get in the way and do something wrong.
I can't have a good relationship because everyone I talk to either wants sex or we talk, I get my hopes up, and they just never respond. I can't do THAT, it makes me extremely uncomfortable and no one understands that.
I really wanna have a permanent caregiver but I'm scared that I'm gonna lose the one I have.
I just.. I don't know what to do anymore.. Everyone says its ok but I know it's not. I know I'm a piece of shit that doesn't deserve anything good in life.. I want to be happy but i can't..