Get In, Loser - We're Committing Grand Larceny

Chapter 3 of 3: Bait and Switch

    Soon the glass storefront was shot and shattered, necklaces were stuffed into bags, and alarm bells were ringing in orchestral fashion, joined by the soft underscore of distant police sirens.

In the car, the Countess was on Facetime with Dr. Bellum, pointing her phone out the window. "Oh my God! They're tearing it up," she narrated.

"Wowwww, I sort of wish I went," said Dr. Bellum, audibly chewing. "J.K., I'm eating all the Trader Joe's spanakopitas and having way more fun than you."

The drugged-up Maelstrom heard that: "Hey — those are mine! Don't eat them all, you PSYCHOPATH!"

"Bazinga!" said Dr. Bellum.

Unexpectedly, the car flooded with light again, and Coach Brunt slammed herself into the front seat, shaking the entire frame of the vehicle. Maelstrom and Cleo perked up, and Maelstrom screamed with cocaine-fueled excitement.

"We got a shit-ton!" said Brunt, pulling her sweaty mask off. "He's coming — get ready to roll!"

"Helt klart!" An ominously giggling Professor Maelstrom revved up the gas and placed his bony hand on the stick-shift—when he heard the car open and flood with light and the door slam, he honked the Move Bitch! and shifted into high-gear, taking off down the road at breakneck speed.

"WOOOOOHOOHOOOHOO!!" hollered Brunt. In her thrill, she leaned back and boom-fired her remaining bullets out the sunroof. Sparkling shards of glass exploded onto the cupholders and across the seats.

At this point, Maelstrom was too high to notice or care. Instead, he screamed, "JÄVLA JA!"

"MARVELOUS!" said Cleo.

"I did not realize I got Uber pool," said a French voice.

Suddenly the entire car looked back at the man who last spoke.

"EWWWW!"

"MOTHER OF GOD!"

"ROUNDABOUT, WHY DO YOU LOOK LIKE THAT?" screamed Maelstrom with genuine confusion.

"It's Chase! Chase! Look at my picture on the app, it is me." He stretched out, swiping some glass from his seat. He then lifted a little baggy. "Oh it even has snacks. Okay, fine; you get 4 stars, Frederick."

"Coach Brunt, SHOOT HIM!" screamed Cleo.

"Aw, I ain't gonna get the car all bloody! This guy's drunk off his ass — he's not gonna remember a single thing by this morning."

Chase attempted to stuff a handful of chips into his mouth, and somehow failed. He then turned to the passenger beside him and said, "Careful with your dress, madame. I don't want that shoulder to accidentally stab me."

"If you get stabbed in this car," said Cleo, "it will not be an accident."

"Stop tryin' to kill him, you two!" Coach Brunt turned around: "Honey, where the Hell are you trying to go?"

"Euhhh...hotel...big spinny wheel glowy."

"Ugh. Maelstrom, he's referring to the County Hall Marriott. We're nearly there. It's just across the river Thames."

"Perfect. We can throw him off the bridge."

"Throw me off, eh?!" exploded Chase, crinkling the bag and tossing it aside. "Just try! I will kick your assssss ." He pulled out an ID card and flipped it open in Cleo's and then Brunt's face. "I'm Interpol, or, I mean ACME. One of those. But if any of you lay a finger on me, vous will be fucked ! Not literally though. I have had enough sex for one night!"

"Wait a second, you're Interpol?" Coach Brunt took her mask off, intrigued. "Buddy, whatever they're paying you, we can triple it."

" Not interested."

"It comes with a Roth 401k, health and dental, free castle housing, and your own helicopter."

"Noooo."

"Free cocaine for life," said Cleo.

"DEAL!" Chase laughed loudly and shook her hand. "But be warned, cactus witch! I crash a lot of cars and rip a lot of suits. And I am obsessed with Carmen Sandiego!"

"You'll fit right in!" said an enthusiastic Maelstrom.

Meanwhile, the wailing of British police sirens and blaring lights surrounded the jewelry store. A little sweaty British man was having his wrists shackled together.

"Please — this is all a big misunderstanding! How much may I bribe you all to keep your mouths shut? 2 million? 3 million?"

"Bribe it to the judge," said the police officers, stuffing him in the car and taking off.

As they sped to the station, Roundabout yelled out the back window, "DAMN YOU VILE!!!! YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!!! Oh— at least I still have my crisps. WAIT WHERE'S MY CRISPS? NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! "