Ivy Cordelia Boarding School

Chapter Seventeen

s.

1:26 AM

A- If I can't have you how I want you, can

I have you in the way everyone else wants to?

I wake up to that text message from Armani and it pulls me from my sleepy stupor and immediately throws me into a conundrum. If it was anyone else, I would have said yes. I just couldn't wrap my mind around why I didn't want to now. Why, instead of telling him to come over, I'm blushing at the fact that he was up so late because he couldn't stop thinking about me. 

5:15 AM

Meet me before classes? To TALK.

A- I don't think I'll like what u r

gonna say. What if I say no?

You can't tell me no

A- Never, Sunshine. Fountain in fifteen?

Yes

I quickly brush my teeth and pull on slippers and the thick, fur robe that Grayson bought for all of the girls in our group. I knew he'd make whoever he ended up with really happy someday. Armani is waiting there for me, sun making his beautiful brown skin absolutely glow. He pulls me into a hug once I reach him, and I take a deep breath, preparing myself for what I was about to do. 

"I'm sorry for that text last night. I was in a...particular mood" he says with a grimace, reluctantly releasing me from the hug. 

"I'm not upset. I actually came here to tell you the truth. Most of it, at least" I say, lowering myself onto the frosty grass. I'd definitely have to send my robe to be dry cleaned immediately after I got back upstairs. 

He takes a seat as well, face set in a worried frown. "If you're going to tell me about the fact that you don't date, I'm more than aware".

"No, Armani, I'm going to tell you why". 

I was ready for this. He helped me feel strong enough to be able to let my walls down just low enough for him to come inside. "I'm listening".

"You always are, and that's why I'm doing this. I'm just going to jump straight into it, okay?". 

"Okay".

"About four months into my Freshman year, a senior guy began to flirt with me. He was the most popular guy in school, so I was really flattered. He used to buy my lunch for me and walk me to all of my classes. He always asked me out, but I would deny him because I believed thought that we shouldn't really be dating. He was already eighteen and I had just turned fourteen in October".

"But, he had his friends and BASICALLY everyone in the school ask me to go on a date with him. I agreed after four entire months of him doing all of these grand gestures and the encouragement of the student body. And it was great.

I don't really remember the details of what we did, because I try to block everything about him from my mind, but I remember being really happy after it ended. He dropped me off at the door to my dorm and then came back, knocking, after ten minutes or so".

"I opened it, expecting it to be my roommate, but she never showed up to the room that night. He pushed past me to come inside before closing and locking the door behind him. I'm sure you can guess what happened next.

It was rough and there was blood everywhere, yet I couldn't even bring myself to scream. No noise came from me throughout the entire thing. And when he finished, he kissed my forehead, pulled back on his clothes and left".

"My roommate, who I rarely spoke to, came back the next morning. I had already scrubbed myself clean and changed the sheets. I'll never forget how hollow I felt in that moment, so when she said, 'I guess you don't like it rough', nothing really registered.

In the end I found out that she told him that I wanted to live out a rape fantasy because she had a crush on him, and was jealous that he gave me all of his attention. He didn't believe her, he told me some days later while taunting me at lunch, but he did it anyway".

I didn't cry when telling the story, surprisingly. It felt like having a wound that finally scabbed over. When you know it's there, but it doesn't hurt as much anymore.
Unfortunately, I got hit by shrapnel that affected me in almost every other place in my life, and I didn't know how to heal any of those wounds. Besides that, I felt pretty okay.

Armani, on the other hand, looked as if he was feeling angry, sad, concerned and unsure all at the same time. 

"I'm okay" I say softly and he shakes his head, grabbing my hand and pulling me onto him. He squeezes me and I bury by face into his neck, giggling a little. 

"Never comfort me. I should be comforting you, Selah. You're so fucking strong, do you know that?" he asks, grabbing my face in his hands and forcing me to look at him. "Yesh" I say and then giggle at how the words come out. He chuckles, pressing a kiss to my forehead. 

"How are you, now? You don't ever have to pretend to be okay for me, Selah" he says seriously.

"I'm not pretending, I promise. Some days it hurts so much that I feel physical pain and other days I'm perfectly okay. And there's starting to be a lot more of the latter days now that I've moved away from there.

Still, I have so many defense mechanisms in place that I can't seem to break down. And I do a lot of things that I don't really want to, to make myself feel in control. One of them being the fact that Grayson and I slept together. Did he tell you that?". 

He doesn't have the reaction to my question that I though he would. There was no anger or disappointment there, which I appreciated. "No. Gray isn't that sort of guy, and I'm not the kind of guy who cares. Why are you telling me this?".

"Because on my second day here he walked up to me and told me that I was hot. That's all he did, and my mind screamed at me that he wanted to sleep with me. And that, if not giving willingly, he'd take it. So, I led him up to my room.

That's why I told you about what happened to me when I read your text. Even my wildest and most unimaginable thoughts have nothing to do with you hurting me, Armani".

Understanding, which it seems he has the most eerie ability to, he slowly brings his lips closer to mine. He only comes halfway, a slight breath warming my lips in invitation. Armani wanted me to know that it was my choice. So I make it. 

It felt amazing to finally choose my happiness, despite running from it for as long as I could remember.  And it felt even more amazing to finally press my lips to his. It seemed as if I'd been waiting to do it for years. In a way, I had been. 

"I'm glad I came to the fountain, Sunshine".

"Me too".