Wandering

3|

My body twitches awake and I run my fingers through my hair. Each and every dream about Romeo and how he is without me. The first dream was the worst. I woke up sweaty profusely and gasping for air. His brown eyes were filled with so much sadness and it killed me to know I couldn't save him...

We swam together in the ocean in the hidden bay we had found and I had splashed some water over at him to be playful and as the water hit him, he gasped at my action. He pushed the water over at me and I whipped my head away to avoid the salty water in my eyes. After splashing one another, I swam underneath the surface of the water and pulled him under with me. Whilst I was laughing, he squirmed and trembled for a breath yet I didn't let him back up. 

Is that how he feels without me? 

Was I really a breath of fresh air? Or was I keeping him away from his true ability?

I staggered up out of bed and turned the shower water cold. I needed to calm down. I was miles away from the boy I love and I'm dreaming that I'm hurting him? This is all her fault. My Mom. My own mother made me feel like I deserve nothing. I've had enough. I'm going to book a hotel room after I refresh myself with the icy cold water.

After the water nipped at my skin, I grab the bag I had never unpacked and open the door an inch to clarify that my Mom is out like I had thought last night. I hear nothing but eerie silence and make my way down each cold step. I slip on a pair of shoes and tie my hair out of my face. I don't bother to take a final look at myself since I know I already look a mess.

Opening the front door, reaching for my phone but I forget my mom took it. I know that it wasn't a good idea now since Rose will be panicking that I have no way of telling her I'm safe. I shut the door behind me and make my way to a hotel I know is around the streets somewhere. I laugh sadly to myself as I feel the deja vu creeping back up on me, except for this time it won't finish with a good ending, I'll be going straight back to my Mom. 

I'm wandering each and every street trying to find the building. My feet begin to hurt as each step I take causes me to become more agitated. I take a deep breath to relieve the stress but I only feel it riling me up more. I give up on trying to find my way to the hotel and turn and make my down the opposite way. 

Before I know it, I'm stood at the gate of my lake. I take a look on each side of my shoulder to make sure no ones here though I didn't see anyone on the way here. I rustle through the basket of the bike and find the key. I sigh and unlock the gate. I relax as I realise this is the only place where I have peace. It always has been but now it's private property I know I can fully relax.

I lock the gate shut after myself and make my way over to the dock. Sitting in the wooden crate, I dangle my legs over the side where the water splashes against my bare legs as the wind causes little ripples. The waters cool against the end of summer feel on my skin. It's getting a tad colder but it's still warm enough for a shirt and shorts. I pick at my fingernails remembering the times here with Rose.

He read me the chapters of Moby Dick as I laid my head on his lap and his fingers stroked my hair. He has a picture of me holding the book whilst my head still rests on his legs. My eyes were closed from the sun so at the time I didn't even know he had taken a photo. 

It's also the place where he asked me to be his girlfriend. My first real boyfriend. I still wouldn't change it for the world. It was my happiest memories with him and now I'm here without him... it's probably the worst I've ever felt. Being apart from him makes me remember how much time I spent with him. Now it feels so unnatural. I'm used to giggling or smiling but I don't even have the energy in me to give a half smile.

It's like the life inside of me has been sucked out of me and now I;m a rotting corpse. All I want is to go to a month ago and if I knew this was going to happen I would have told Romeo I loved him weeks ago. Now I've had time to think, I regret my choice to walk away from him. I regret what I told him.

I do love him. I still love him. So much.

Just wait for me Romeo, I'll be back. 

I promise.