It's Okay, If You Can't Find The Words

Aein

——
I just wanna build you up, build you up
Until you're good as new
And maybe one day I'll get around
To fixing myself, too

It wasn't until a couple weeks later, that one late night conversation mostly forgotten, when everything blew up in his face.

Jeongguk had felt for so long, like there was a constantly building pressure, that when it snapped, he would shatter like glass.

Over the past few years, he tried to brush aside any of the bad thoughts. The voices in his head that creeped in during the dead of night, or in a quiet room, or in a low moment. They would whisper to him what he already knew.

You're not good enough, I know.

The group doesn't need you, I know that. But I'm staying for as long as they'll have me.

He doesn't need you. No, but I need him.

Most days, he was too busy to worry about his feelings, didn't have time to wallow in self pity and cry about his ineptitude, his unworthiness.

Some days, when he had time to be alone, he let himself crumble. Jeongguk would lock himself in the bathroom, letting the running water from the shower cover the sound of his sobs, as he rocked himself back and forth on the tile floor.

There were times, when he didn't want to be alive, but he didn't want to be dead either. Jeongguk just wanted to love everything he had; his band mates, army, their success, his perfect boyfriend, without hating himself in the process.

In the end, he would bottle up all the bad feelings, ignoring the scary ones, to make things work. Jeongguk would focus on pushing out all the care and love and energy he had to give, till his heart ached with it. It was the best distraction he had, the most solid coping mechanism he had developed.

Being there for his boyfriend had been a big part of it. Jimin's troubles were a battle worth facing. Jeongguk knew how gracious and worthy of love the older man was. No matter how much he felt he could never compare, never even come close to the bright shining light that was Park Jimin, any time the older struggled, whenever he relied on Jeongguk's open arms and solid chest, he felt infinitesimally better.

In those times, it felt like he was needed, at least a little. The back of his mind still told him someone else could've done a better job than him, but until they came along, he would be there. Jeongguk hoped so, at least.

Now, things were different. Jimin was still the enigma he'd always been, but now he had the confidence, the strength he had been lacking. He had developed into his true form, with no qualms about how people perceived his flaws.

Jimin didn't need the younger man to listen to his problems, encourage him, tell him how great he truly was. Not the way he used to. Jeongguk hadn't realized until recently how much Jimin had grounded him, like that, without even knowing. Without that grounding, silent support, he was flying through the sky in a free fall, the stress heightening the longer he went without doing anything about it.

They had just started the first wing of their tour in the carribean, their next stop being Brazil, when things took a turn. Jeongguk loved when they toured, the concerts, seeing their fans, performing, and getting to see his band members be so in their element. Jimin looked especially elegant during their performances, stage presence and dance moves and song lyrics just flowing so naturally out of him. The confidence was clear, in the way he screamed for the fans, the way he flew across the stage, buzzing with excitement, and he looked like a deity, with the way the stage lights would glow against his honeyed tone and pushed back blonde streaks.