(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Rejection

Derek longed to reach out and hold her. He wanted to rush to her and beg her to talk to him, but there was no stopping her impending retreat as he watched telltale signs of her defense mechanisms systematically begin to shut down; raising the invisible walls of avoidance, and shutting him out completely.

"I can't do it anymore." He'd thrown down the gauntlet.

"Well neither can I." She'd walked away, indifferent to his unspoken challenge.

Hours had passed since their earlier argument, and now she stood there without revealing a single emotion while he was falling apart.

An overwhelming sadness replaced the excitement and anticipation he'd felt when he decided to move forward, and showed her the plans for their house. But, in typical Meredith style, she'd wanted to wait, continuing the dance of avoidance.

Longing to hold her was his first reaction, followed by anger and resentment. However,
if he was honest with himself, guilt was hanging over him, like low laying clouds racing forward, becoming darker and with each small gust of wind ready to release a most unexpected downpour of misery.

Derek had to find someone to blame, someone to be responsible for the empty feeling in the pit of his stomach, the overwhelming loneliness at the thought of being alone, and it was much easier to blame her and overlook the fact that he was partially responsible for their situation. He thought about all that made her responsible for this latest break-up, and allowed his misplaced anger to fester.

Months before, the day of Cristina's wedding, he'd told her he loved her, that she was the love of his life, and she had walked away from him, ripping his heart to pieces; then, literally ended their relationship in front of hundreds of guests by stating, "it was over."

He'd been willing to make allowances for all the various issues she refused to address, and when she came back seventeen days later, he settled for a relationship that was a mockery to the love he felt for her. He couldn't let her go, in many ways he was addicted to her and being with her was better than being without her. Now, sex and mockery, as she coined their 'relationship', was wearing thin.

He'd told her he wanted to marry her, to spend a lifetime together, but she would not let him in, wouldn't let him take care of her. He'd done everything he could to accommodate her emotional shortcomings, and she'd done nothing to change things. Even as he formulated this thought, he knew he was being unfair. He knew she had been trying, even attempting a 'sisterly' thing and cooking for Lexie that morning. But, he couldn't let those thoughts intrude, it was easier to concentrate on everything he could blame her for, because that way, it was easier to disregard Mark's earlier taunt, "it was more than a kiss."

She was responsible for him turning to Rose, for being tempted to kiss her. Meredith was using him for sex and mockery, and if she had been willing to commit to a relationship, there would never be a reason for him to consider kissing or dating anyone else.

He fed the negativity, concentrating on everything he perceived she had done wrong and how she'd failed him, but each thought accentuated the guilt, because for each of those, he could think of all the small steps she had been taking since she had promised she would get ready.

"I don't want you to date other people. It may not be enough for you, but I'm trying here." He'd noticed how she'd quickly swallowed in an attempt to hide her nervousness. "So, I don't want you to date anybody but me. That's it." She'd taken a deep nervous breath before continuing with a slight smile. "Except, I'm scared as hell to want you. But here I am, wanting you anyway. And, fear means I have something to lose, and I don't want to lose you."

Guilt was threatening to overpower the need to blame her. She'd surprised him last night, and he knew it was a tremendous step in her attempts to get ready to be in a committed relationship with him.

The minutes seemed like hours as he continued to recall some of what they'd said during their argument. She had taken him by surprise earlier when she asked who Rose was and with anger in her voice demanded to know when he had kissed her.

He'd felt cornered and with a sharp intake of breath answered dismissively. "Yesterday."

"So, yesterday you're making out with scrub nurses and today you're building our dream house," she smirked and said sarcastically.

"You don't want to build a life with me. You want someone that wants the same things that you want."

She'd hit a nerve and he resented that she had called him on this, and reacting defensively tried to put the blame on her. He accused her of finding excuses to walk away.

"I was in love with you. You didn't tell me about you were married. You didn't tell me about your nurse. You want to know why I'm not ready to build a house with you, this is why, it's because I cannot trust you," she'd shouted at him.

"You can't trust anybody." Meredith had looked shocked at his statement, acknowledging the inevitable realization her world was spiraling out of control.

"No matter what I do, you're always going to look for reasons not to trust me." He'd snapped back, his voice lower, hoarser, filled with emotion and the undeniable sense of foreboding.

They were looking intently at one another, their eyes shining with unshed tears as each uttered words filled with anguish, and brought them closer to the point of no return.

"I can't do it anymore."

"Well, neither can I," she'd agreed, and walked away leaving him to deal with the aftermath and misfortunes of a kiss.

Derek tried to make sense of the last 24 hours, as the silent group of surgeons continued their vigil as they witnessed a healing of faith.

Morning began with hope for a future with Meredith. He'd shown her the house plans, and though she had dropped an egg when he'd said it was her house too, she'd flirted with him about taking fun and sexy steps towards building their dream house.

As evening approached, they stood watch over the son of one of their own, hoping the baby would fully recover, but the hope of a future with Meredith had been destroyed.

He watched her and began to recall some of the times he had failed her, and his anger and resentment slowly ebbed. He'd promised he'd always show up, and he hadn't. Her cool distant demeanor was a façade he recognized well, and his heart began to melt away the pain.

The day he'd basically proposed to her, he'd told her he realized she was still an intern, that he understood and he would wait for her to get ready. He'd seen the small progress she was making in her efforts to get ready; laying her mother to rest, attempting to accept her sister, the small unexpected intimacies she'd allow herself when laying in his bed after they made love, the bravery in finding him last night and admitting she did not want to lose him. Instead of embracing her efforts, he'd pressured her with house plans, and had hugely undermined their relationship by kissing a nurse.

He knew Meredith Grey better than anyone else, and as he watched her, in spite of the walls now firmly in place, he could feel the heartbreak emanating from her, and he knew she was as broken as he was, she too was falling apart.

Derek moved towards her and as he stood beside her could smell the lavender scent he loved, and was so uniquely hers.

"Meredith, we should talk," he whispered so only she could hear. Immediately he felt her recoil at his nearness and without hesitation, as if repelled by him, walked away.

Something in him snapped. He was tired of her walking away, her continuous avoidance, her refusal to trust him and accept the fact that he loved her. Most of all he was tired of her rejecting him. Damn it all to hell, if she didn't want him, someone else did.

Derek allowed perceived rejection and anger to rule his emotions, and asked Rose out to dinner, setting the course for the train wreckage that would alter his life.