(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Glimpses of Dreams

Meredith had fallen asleep with her head resting on his chest, each with their arms around the other, and that is how hours later she awakened, and found him still sleeping. She lay quietly thinking about the last two weeks of their lives, how dramatically things had changed between them. How far they had come, in the midst of the emotional roller coaster she had experienced, they both had, she thought except at first she had not realized she was pregnant, and had not understood the heightened vulnerability.

She did not want to dwell on it, but the thoughts were there. The night, which now seemed ages ago, when she though all had come to an end between them.

Lost in thought, she did not realize he was watching her until she felt his hand reach out for hers. "What are you thinking about?"

"Derek...I wanted you to sleep."

"You're the one that needs rest," he said leaning in to kiss her.

"I slept..."

"Tell me what you're upset about."

"I'm not...I'm not upset," she told him.

"Meredith..."

"It's not about today...it's not..."

"That's ok...we can still talk about it."

"I don't want you to be mad at me..."

"I'm not going to be mad..."

"You don't even know what I'm thinking."

"Whatever it is, I won't get mad."

She chewed on her lower lip, wanting to avoid the subject.

"Meredith, we agreed to talk to each other."

"Yeah...we did..."

"Ok, then."

"I...I was thinking about our lives, the past few weeks..."

"That makes you sad?"

"Not all of it."

"But, whatever you were thinking about, it makes you very sad, and if it's not about today...then...it has to do with me...hurting you."

"It's over Derek...it doesn't matter anymore," she tried to convince him.

"Then tell me... please."

"The night...the night we broke up..."

"He felt as though he'd been slapped. Not so much that she had, but the realization of how deeply he had hurt her that night."

He pulled away from her in shame. "I see."

"Derek, don't do this...please...don't...you asked me, and I'm being honest, and you do not get to pull away from me," she told him, as tears gathered in her eyes, "you don't get to do this...unless you really do want to walk away from me...and then...it's over Derek...I will get up and leave and we will be over."

He didn't react quickly enough, didn't know what to say, when he heard, "I'll go."

He reached out to her immediately, stopping her from getting out of bed "what are you doing?"

"I'll go...your silence spoke volumes, and it's not as though it would be the first time you let me go."

"Meredith...you don't get to do this...no, we just lost our baby...our baby Meredith, a tiny life we loved, we both did, and I know I have fucked up, I didn't have an answer didn't know how to respond, but you don't get to do this...not now..." he said, and brought his lips together, much as the day he'd waited for her to come back to life, and she saw his shoulders begin to shake as he buried his face in his hands.

"Oh, God...I'm sorry...I am...I'm sorry... Derek..." she said and reached out to him, but he did not react. "Derek...please...I'm sorry...I know you're hurting too...I do...and I should not have said that, but you didn't respond...and I'm a mess...I am...Derek...my life has fallen apart, my heart shattered into a tiny million pieces...Derek...please...I'm sorry...when I saw...I saw our baby...Derek...please...I'm sorry...I need you...I can't lose you now...please...don't turn away from me...I need you...like I've never needed anyone in my life...please...don't be like everyone else...please let me be enough for you..."

"You think..." he said, "you think you're not enough for me...haven't you heard anything I've said...I can't imagine my life without you...and you bring up...two of the most shameful moments of my life with you...how do I respond, when I know you're right, when I know I don't deserve you...when I know I have hurt you both those times...and I don't know if you will ever forgive me...and now...you bring it up...and I know...I can't ever do anything to make you trust me again..."

"Derek...I'm sorry, that's not the way I meant it...it's not..."

"What else could you have meant...today Meredith...bringing up the night we broke up...I can't go back and change it...I wish I could, but I can't."

"That's not why I brought it up...I swear..." she said, and cradled his face in her hands, and kissed him, "I swear...it's not..."

"Then, why?"

"I was going to say...that night...when we broke up...my life...Derek...my heart felt as though it shattered and I thought I would never feel that kind of pain again...but I did...losing our baby...Derek...losing baby bear...that ...that is something...that pain...knowing our baby...our dream was gone...but...I was thinking, that maybe someday...maybe there will be another baby...I hope there will be...and that...that night...when I thought we were over...it was really the beginning, Derek...and I was sad, because, things would have been so different if we had not found each other again...that was all...I was thinking what it would have been like...if we hadn't found each other...to know I was having your baby...and we were apart...that's all...I was sad...but also...I was thankful...we had found each other again..."

"You were going to leave..."

"You didn't answer me...I thought your silence meant you agreed...that you wanted to pull away."

"You hurt me...what you said...about letting you go..."

"Imagine how I felt...that night...we've never talked about it...and I'm sorry, I should not have brought it up ...not now..."

"I would give anything in the world to go back to that night...and instead of being the coward I was...to have never let you go...to have begged you to forgive me for being an ass...and for us to have talked through it all...and have avoided the pain we've just caused each other right now."


"I'm sorry," she said and looked away.

"No more apologies from you...I've wronged you...too many times, and I understand, but we have to stop...Meredith...we can't say things like this in anger..."

"I wasn't angry, I was hurt...when you didn't react...I thought you wanted to give up."

"You know that's not true...Meredith...before we fell asleep...we were ok...weren't we?"

"Derek...aren't we still?"

"Yes...but we have to stop...we need to talk...not react like we just did."

"Derek...there is no one I've ever loved like I love you...and my reaction...my lashing out...it's only my fear...I'm scared...Derek...scared as hell of losing you...and my fears...my doubts... especially right now...I'm not excusing it Derek...hormones are no excuse...but it's making everything worse..."

"I know...Meredith, I know what it was like to lose you...not just once...and I'm never going to let you leave again...no matter how hard you push back...or pull away...I'm not going to let you...just like right now...I'm not going to let you..."

"We promised Derek...we did...we promised we would hold each other to that..."

"Then...let's remember that... please...because...my life without you in it...it's merely existing."

"I love you...Derek... I do...and I'm sorry...I'm sorry this got so out of hand..."

"I'm sorry too...but...let's work on this...let's talk... rather than assume."

"It's hard...breaking old habits...it's hard..."

"Yes, it is...but we can do this."

"We're going to be fine..."

"MD fine..." he teased.

"MD fine..."

"Do you realize how many nicknames we have?" he joked.

"What do you mean?"

"The MC's...DM...GS..." he stopped.

"Papa and Mama bear..."she added, "those were my favorites," she said as he kissed the tears away.

"Mine too..." he said as she snuggled deeply in his embrace.

"Derek...do you want to talk about it...any of this...talk about it some more?"

"Our disagreement?"

"Yes..."

"Do you?"

"Not now...but...maybe...some of it...later...we will...but not now...."

"That's ok."

"Derek..."

"Yes..."

"I wasn't nice..."

"We are in pain...emotional pain...you have been through hell...I understand."

"I want to take care of you too...you're hurting too..."

"We just did...we took care of each other's pain."

"Let's not do this...Derek...please...let's stop each other...right away..."

"Ok."

"Derek, we're a mess..."

"Yeah... we are...but, we're going to be fine."

"We are...Derek, don't let me do this anymore...don't let me keep bringing up the same things over again...I want to... I need to trust you...and I do...I just need to work on some things...some of the doubts...just remind me...please..."

"And..." he teased, "if I remind you...I'm not going to suffer the consequences..."

"Ass."

"I love you Meredith."

"Back to that..."

"No, just stating the facts."

"I love you too."

They lay in each other's arms, each whispering tender words of reassurance, and gently caressing the other accentuating the words.

He felt his phone vibrate and picked it up, reading Mark's message.

-I'm sorry. What can I do? I'm here if you need me.

He handed the phone to her to read.

"Do you need him...do you need to see him?"

"You're not ready for company...I'll call him later..."

"Derek," she said a few minutes later, "have him bring Kathleen over."

"You need your rest, I'll talk to her, she can grab a cab out here."

"Derek...it's ok...they can come...I think you need your friend...your brother."

"All I need is for you to be ok."

"I'm going to be. I am, it may take me a little while. But, I need, want to take care of you...too."

"We'll take care of each other...Meredith...one day at a time."

"Derek...sometimes...it may be one hour at a time...like today..."

"I can live with that."

"Well...I'm not sure I would be so forgiving..."

"But you have been..."

"So have you," she said and reached for his hand entwining their fingers.

"Maybe I'll call him later," he said while kissing the top of her head.

Derek, it's late...almost one...you need to eat something."

"I need to eat...not you?"

"I'm not hungry...really...but, it's been a long while since you've had anything to eat."

"We're not going to argue about this. Meredith, you need to eat."

"Why...why don't you have Mark and Kathleen come by for a little while...and it can coincide with dinner."

"Meredith, we don't have to...we can just spend the rest of the day together."

"Derek...as much as I just want to bury myself under the covers...I can't do that all day...and I can't have you do that...we need a little break...a little time away from our sadness."

"I don't want to rush you...you need to take your time...and it's ok...I'll be here, with you...I'm not leaving you."

"I know you're not."

"I'm going to fix us something to eat now, do you want to sit at the table while I put something together?"

"Can...can I just stay here...I'm tired...my body feels tired."

"That's ok...you do need to rest," he said as he started to get up, and she held him back.

"Derek, I am deeply sorry...for hurting you..."

"Hey...it's over..."

"No...please...help me stop doing this...we need to move one...but my hormones, they are all over the place...they are a bitch...Derek, but you didn't deserve what I said to you...and I am very sorry."

"I love you Meredith, and we are going to get through this together...you don't need to apologize...I understood...I did...what you were trying to say...so it's ok...really..." he said as he placed the phone back by the bed.

"Derek..."

"Yes..."

"Will you kiss me?"

"You don't need to ask me that..." he said and brushed her lips with his.

"Thank you."

"Meredith..."

"Yes," she said quietly.

"Tell me what you're thinking."

"I love you Derek," she said softly, "that's all."

"No, I don't think so," he said and lifted her chin and gazed into shining pools of green-grey eyes.

"This time...really, just...emotional..."

"Is this," he said, kissing her again and deepening their kiss letting her feel how he felt about her, "better."

"Yes...much better."

"You don't ever have to ask for a kiss like that...or doubt what I feel for you."

"I just...it's silly...I know...but I needed that."

"I know...remember...I can read your emotions."

"Teach me...please...to understand and be sensitive to yours."

"We're learning together...that's what you and I are doing...and we are doing just fine."

"Just a little bruised now and then," she smiled.

"Nothing a kiss can't heal," he said and brought his lips to hers again.

He walked to the kitchen area and began fixing something for lunch, while she picked up his phone, and she sent a text and waited for a response.

-Mark it's Meredith using D phone
-Mer, are you ok
-not so much
-what can I do
-saw your text to D
-is he ok
-we're both trying
-do you want me to call you, him
-not ready to talk right now, he's fixing lunch
-Mer, I'm so sorry
-thank you
-do you need anything
-yes, later, can you bring Kathleen
-you want company
-no, but I can't avoid it
-my favorite dm no avoiding
-trying, for D
-yes, when
-sixish...bring dinner
-does Shep know your texting
-no
-thought so
-will you?
-yes
-please call K and tell her
-yes, see you later, we won't stay long
-he needs you
-I'll be there
-get him out of here for a bit
-out?
-for a walk or something
-ok
-thank you
-you're welcome
-bye mark

"Meredith," Derek said about fifteen minutes later, "what do you want to drink?"

"Just water, but I'm getting up, we can eat at the table," she said joining him a few minutes later.

"We can eat in bed," he told her.

"No...I'm going to go back to bed afterwards," she said wrapping her arms around him.

"I cooked some pasta...sauce out of the jar, there wasn't much else."

"This is good."

"We have some dessert...cheesecake leftover."

"That's good," she said without much enthusiasm.

"I love you," he said holding her close and gently caressing her back, "it's ok...you can be sad."

"I don't want to be."

"It's normal...I do know that...Dr. Cameron talked to me about it."

"Yeah...I guess it would be...I love you too Derek."

"Let's eat."

She sat down and handed him the phone she held in her hand. "I used your phone."

"That's fine...who did you call?"

"I sent Mark a text...well, we texted."

"Mark..." he questioned as he sat next to her.

"Yeah....you can read it, I hope it's ok."

"Whatever it was...of course it's ok," he said and began to read.

He put the phone down and looked at her, leaned in and kissed her, "we're making progress."

"Love..." she said, "trust..." she paused, "rebuilding trust...has a way of doing that."

"We're going to make it...no doubts...not ever again," he said as he held her hand.

"No more doubts...well...maybe little ones are going to come up, but we don't let each other off the hook...we call each other on it," she said and kissed him, " ok?"

"Deal."

"Derek..."

"Meredith..."

"Can we...can we...soon...can we start looking at our house plans?"

"Just let me know when."

"They're on top of my dresser..."

"Uhmmm..."

"I told you, never threw them away..."

"Just say the word."

"I just did..." she smiled.

He laughed, and for the first time in many hours, the sadness lifted and their souls bared and shared hopes and dreams of their future.

Far away where time and space ceased to exist, three newly found souls sharing a common bond felt at peace. The two people that had brought them together for eternity were finally getting it right, moving in the right direction. A grandmother, a grandfather and the granddaughter that had joined them years before should have been her time, rejoiced as they watched a beloved son, an extraordinary daughter and Mama and Papa bear finally understand what it meant to accept life's unexpected challenges and realize they had always been meant to be together, and begin to fight for their future hopes and dreams.

God also smiled down on the two lovers destined to be together, knowing the whispered words would reach them and comfort them, promising them the winds had shifted, and that their future, those glimpses of dreams He had given had already began to unfold.