(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Dark & Twisty - Part 1

Meredith heard the familiar snark and smiled. "What was it this time," Cristina plopped herself down on the small couch in the resident's lounge late Monday morning and peeled a banana, "you have the I got sexed to my heart's content look...please don't tell me you resorted to dirty sex in the lavatory..."

"What is it with all of you," Meredith attempted to be serious, "and the obsession with our sex life?"

"Ah...we're not getting any? Except Barbie and Evil Spawn."

"Cristina," Meredith reprimanded, though she couldn't help but continue to smile.

"Did you?" Cristina said again.

"Did I what?"

"Have dirty sex in the lavatory."

"No," Meredith laughed, "that is so cliché...and they are very unsanitary."

"Mer...you have that mcdreamied look."

"We had sex," Meredith told her friend, "all weekend and this morning."

"Bitch," Cristina said as she ate the last of a banana and tossed the peel away with one perfect throw into the nearby garbage can.

"You asked..." Meredith told her.

"You can lie. Not rub it in," her friend said, and both ended up laughing as Meredith told her about the betting that took place at Jenna's. "You're so predictable," Cristina told her, "getting just like old boring married couples."

"I can assure you," Meredith told her, "there is nothing predictable...or boring about..."

"Ok," Cristina stopped her. "That's all I can handle. How's Mama Shep?"

"She's fine, she insisted I try to convince you and Lexie and Mark to fly out for the baptism, I'm sure you could...if you ..."

"Mer," Cristina said, "this is me, who thinks babies are toxic and they've got a herd of them. I don't think I could handle it."

"Babies are not toxic," Meredith argued, "and they are not a herd..." she finished her eyes sparkling.

"Mer, what is going on?" Cristina said, "you've got that...soft mushy and sentimental ..."

"Look," Meredith responded as she held the blackberry screen and scrolled through the photos, "isn't she beautiful?"

"It's a baby...they all look the same."

"They do not and she is not an it," Meredith argued, "I can show you the difference, let's go to the nursery."

"Mer..." Cristina smiled at her friend, a soft understanding smile, reserved for very few, before she stated, "you were ok...going home...being with a baby...you really were."

"I was," Meredith met her friend's gaze, and Cristina Yang knew she was. "It's hard to describe...Kerry grabbed hold of my finger and," she smiled, though Cristina saw the sentimental glitter of tears, "they really do Cristina...and she seems to recognize or at least she likes my voice," she smiled as she looked at the image of Derek holding her, "and I fell completely in love with her."

"And..." Cristina said, "with McDreamy, all over again, if that's even possible since the two of you are already..."

"I did...he's been wonderful Cristina."

"I know," her friend admitted, "he's pretty much earned that name back almost completely."

"He already has," Meredith told her. "Completely, in my eyes."

"I'm holding out," Cristina said, "you know...just in case I have to kick his ass."

"You won't," Meredith said without any trace of doubts.

"And," Cristina said, as she looked at a photo of two little girls kissing the baby's cheeks, "these are the two other munchkins..."

"Meggie and Katie," Meredith smiled, "I'm kind of in love with them too..."

"I can tell," Cristina said, and waited for her person to finish her thoughts.

Meredith looked at her friend and said unexpectedly, "I told Derek I wanted a baby."

Cristina did not react, and became lost in her thoughts momentarily; wondering how Meredith could be so certain about such a life changing circumstance and tried to understand, and knew her friend would never experience the certainty she herself accepted about not wanting to have kids.

"Aren't you going to say anything?" Meredith asked when she was met with silence.

"Are you already pregnant?"

"No. Of course not...why would you even think that?"

"You're acting all...teary eyed and...sentimental."

"Cristina," Meredith smiled, "I told him last night."

"You're serious about this."

"I am."

"You think you'll feel the same way in few weeks. When you're thousands of miles away from the Waltons?"

"You know about the Waltons?" Meredith raised an eyebrow.

"Syndication," Cristina replied. "Needed mindless noise to study sometimes."

"You should come with us," Meredith told her. "You'd like his family."

"Mer...you want that, I don't..."

"I've never had that Cristina, and it's a good feeling to have that support system. Don't get me wrong they argue and fight and it's crazy sometimes with so many people around...but...it's ...I'm glad...happy I have that now. You'd get a kick out of it."

"I don't think so..." Cristina insisted, "not cut out for it."

"What if I told you," Meredith said quietly. "I'd like to have my family there too..."

"I'm sure Lexie would go..."

"You, I'm talking about you. You became my family first. It was just the two of us."

"You're sure," Cristina exchanged an intense look with her friend, "you're not already pregnant?"

"I'm sure," Meredith told her, "it will be months before that is even a possibility."

"Mer," Cristina said, "the way the two of you carry on and the way Shepherd genes reproduce like bunnies...you'll be pregnant before you know it...if that's what you really want."

"It is what I want. I want to have a child with Derek. But, this is me remember...and it's baby steps..." she smiled, "no pun intended. Telling him I wanted to try...but not for a few months...I just wanted him to know, that I was ok after the trip home. Being with the baby...it was hard," Meredith paused, "a little sad...at first...but, we got to name her...her middle name," Meredith said and went on to share part of the trip and how she felt with her person; in spite of a rocky start as a result of surgical jealousies, Cristina was the first person she'd allowed to see an intimate glimpse of dark and twisty Meredith and instinctively believed she would and could be someone she could trust; believed it was someone that would not walk away, and that was a lesson she was still learning to accept, one that in the days to follow would bring unexpected, though momentary, emotional heartache as she struggled to understand that years of past abandonment did not have to dictate, nor were they a reflection of future familial relationships.

Derek smiled as he walked to his office late Monday afternoon and saw the text message:
-miss you all tied up
-you miss me being tied up, must be thinking of someone else
-smartass
-you haven't tied me up – EVER
-where are you?
-way to my office, you?
-on way to yours have 5 min

"Hey," Derek smiled as she walked in, the fact she'd rushed to get there evident in her breathing, "tell me about this fetish of yours and tying me..." he teased her.

Meredith ignored him and simply kissed him hard, "I've missed you today."

"Me too..." he said, as they lost themselves in a kiss.

"I got spoiled," she said, once they'd pulled away, and she playfully bit his earlobe, "spending all weekend with you."

"Uhmmm..." he responded with a trail of kisses of his own.

"We won't get to spend another two days together for a while...I'm off Wednesday and Thursday, and then I have my 48 hr shift till Sunday morning."

"I know," he said, "and by the time you get home, you'll be exhausted and want to sleep for twenty four hours."

"Do you think," she asked him, with a glint in her eyes, "we're becoming an old boring married couple?"

"It that what has you thinking about tying me up," he grinned at her suggestively.

"I told Cristina about the latest bet and she said we were getting predictable like old boring married couples," she told him, as she wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned back slightly, smiling, letting him know she thought nothing of the sort.

"I take it..." he kissed her, "you didn't tell her about this morning's wake up call."

"Not in detail," she giggled, "but just to shut her up told her we'd had sex all weekend and this morning and that we were having a baby," and felt him go completely rigid.

"You...told her..." he paused, mesmerized as he looked at her, "you...we're having a baby...Meredith..."

"Derek," Meredith said, "we talked about it...last night."

"You're not...I mean...you're not pregnant now?"

"That's what she asked me," Meredith stared at him, "Derek...don't you think I'd tell you if I was pregnant?"

"You could tell her first...it's been known to happen."

"Ass," she told him, and bit his lip lightly.

"What...you tell her everything... sometimes a lot more than you tell me..."

"Not anymore," she met his gaze, "it's been a long time since I tell her things before I tell my husband."

"That's true," he said, and then laughed nervously, "sorry...Mer...suddenly I wondered if maybe..."

"I'm not," Meredith said, "but thinking about it...wanting to try...soon... that's..."

"Progress," he smiled, quoting her comment months before, "baby steps," he smiled, "huge baby steps..."

"That's what I told her," Meredith smiled, "baby steps..."

"I love you," he told her as he wrapped his arms around her and nuzzled her neck.

"I love you too," she whispered, "now I have to go...I only had five minutes."

"I'll see you at home," he kissed her and both had a smile on their faces as they went on to handle their next assignment.

Meredith had just changed out of her scrubs and about ready to leave the hospital when her phone vibrated and she smiled expecting it would be Jenna.

"Maggie," Meredith answered, "this is a surprise you calling this late at your end."

"I know, it's almost ten and I'm just now driving home from Jenna's, I wanted to see the baby before we left, they change so quickly and well I wanted to see the girls and her too, but we're going to be gone two weeks and I have a million things to do still and only a few hours in the morning but I wanted to talk to you...since we didn't have too much time while you were here and now..."

"Maggie," Meredith interrupted her, "you're rambling...a lot...where are you going for two weeks?"

"Dubai and Abu Dhabi, actually Abu Dhabi first...then Dubai, that's where John needs to spend most of the time and..."

"Dubai...as in the Arab Emirates...the Middle East...for two weeks? What about the baptism are you going to be gone?"

"We'll be back for Thanksgiving, and it just came up, and I've never done this before just take off for two weeks at the spur of the moment and leave my boys behind, but John wants me with him and Mer it's been so long since it's just been the two of us...and I had to make sure everything was taken care of here so I could go, and luckily..."

"Maggie," Meredith smiled, "how about...starting from the beginning...why are you going to the Middle East for two weeks, or why is John going? When did you find out, you didn't say anything."

"Ok," Maggie said taking a deep breath, "you're right...I should tell the story in order."

"Yeah," Meredith laughed, "that would help."

"You know," Maggie said, "you shouldn't make fun of me...your rambles, I hear are quite legendary."

"So I've heard," Meredith laughed.

"Meredith," Maggie was smiling, "before I tell you what's going on...it was great to see you this weekend, but don't think next time you're here you can hog Kerry all the time...you only got away with it this time since Jenna insisted you stay there. But I expect to spend some time with you and Derek too...you can't play favorites," she joked.

"How can you resist that beautiful little piglet," Meredith joked. "Maggie she's adorable how content she is just eating and being nosy."

"I can't resist her," Maggie laughed, "and she is nosy just like her Mommy and aunts..."

"I haven't talked to Jenna since I left," Meredith said, "and she hasn't uploaded the photos so I can access them."

"That's strange," Maggie said, "she mentioned she was doing that on Sunday night while Kerry kept her up, but truthfully I haven't paid attention since I've been running around like a maniac since you left."

"Maggie, I'm half way home," Meredith joked, "and I still don't know why you're going away for two weeks."

"Right after you and Derek left, John got a call he was going to have to spend at least ten days in Dubai, which is no big deal, he's had to do that before, but they're having some major issues that haven't been resolved and a meeting's been called for all VP's for three days in Abu Dhabi, so we'll go straight there and then the rest of the time in their head office in Dubai..."

"And you're excited about spending two weeks in the hot desert ...and likely have to cover yourself from head to toe..."

"Meredith, they're a little more progressive," Maggie said, then sighed softly. "Mer, we haven't known each other long, but...sometimes, it feels right to talk and be open with someone that doesn't know your past...and makes no judgments...and..." her sister in law was quiet.

"Maggie," Meredith said, "it means a lot to me...that you feel you can talk to me."

"Mom and my sisters, except Jenna, they ...well, we'll talk some other time, but now, I'm just excited that I'm going away with my husband for two weeks just the two of us...and it feels just like when we first fell in love," she said and grew quiet for a second, before she said, "and it's such an incredible feeling...again..."

"Maggie," Meredith said softly, realizing her sister in law was crying. "Are you ok?"

"I'm sorry," his sister admitted, "it's...we came so close...to losing it all..."

"Maggie," Meredith said, "I'm sorry...I didn't know..."

"Derek knows...most of it," Jenna told her.

"Oh..." was all Meredith could say.

Maggie surprised her by laughing, "you know Mer...after the rambles we're capable of...that doesn't seem like you're very interested in what I've had to say..."

"What...Maggie...no, of course not...that's not it...at all," her tone became serious, wanting desperately to convince Maggie, "but I didn't know what to say or how to respond but of course I'm interested and it means a lot to me that you'd want to talk to me and tell me how you feel, Maggie I'm not used to family...I'm not and I think my crappy childhood and being all dark and twisty has something to do..."

"Meredith," Maggie said surprised by how serious her sister in law had become, "I believe you, I was just kidding, we're not always so serious."

"Sorry," Meredith said, "I'm not used to that...with families."

"Get used to it," Maggie told her, "I heard about my brother's first non-proposal..."

Meredith laughed this time, her reaction a little lighter, "Kathleen told you about that?"

"No, Kevin did," Maggie said and they both laughed. "Mer, it's not just his sisters that are nosey but their husbands too...so you better get used to us, since we fully expect you around for the next fifty years."

"I can't believe he told you that," Meredith said.

"Are you kidding," Maggie said dramatically, "we were waiting for them the minute they got back from Venice. Nancy cooked since she had their kids, even though we all took turns helping out."

"You were at Nancy's...when they got back..."

"She's not so bad," Maggie said, "once you get to know her..."

"I didn't mean it like that," Meredith said, "she's been ...I told her, I've put our first meeting behind us."

"Don't get me wrong," Maggie said, "she can be a bitch...but she really cares Mer, about all of us...and she didn't fly out there to make trouble, she really was worried about Derek."

"Maggie, I know that," Meredith told her, "and I'm glad that he has a family that really cares about him."

"You're part of that family now too," Maggie told her. "Just wait, when you have kids and want to go away on vacation you have a built in support system, just like I have right now, even though the boys are older. Mer, the minute I told Kathleen I really wanted to go with John she didn't hesitate for one second, even though this week she has her hands full and has to help out with Nancy's kids, and Jen's a gem and she offered...but realistically she won't be able to help much with Kerry so little."

"Why does Kat have Nancy's kids?"

"This is the week she's presenting in two different conferences..."

"That's right," Meredith said, "she told me, she's going to be in London and Berlin, all within seven days."

"She usually does that," Maggie explained, "so it's just one trip, but the timing was horrible since Kat's got to keep an eye on her kids; which she doesn't mind, she's been gone several times this year too and since she got to attend your wedding we're all holding it over her head..."

"You're what..." Meredith said, "it's not her fault, it was Derek's."

"Mer," Maggie said, "I'm kidding...you have to learn to decipher that, and we like to tease her, but we all know she was the one sister that needed to be there, and you two have made up for it by being here twice already."

"Maggie," Meredith asked, as pulled in their driveway, "you saw Jenna earlier, is everything ok? I haven't heard from her at all."

"Jane wasn't there today so she had the three girls and Kerry's favorite time of day continues to be the middle of the night, so I know she was up with her for a couple hours last night before she settled down, but I'm sure you'll be getting a phone call tonight, that baby really does love to hear your voice Meredith."

"She's the first baby I've really been around and she's amazing. I'm totally in love with her."

"They all are," Maggie said, "wait till you have your own, you're in love with them from the moment you find out...at least I was, except for the morning sickness, but Meredith, when you see them for the first time...the first sonogram," there was a melancholy to her voice, "the heartbeat...the first time you feel the baby move..."

"Maggie," Meredith said softly, "are you sure...you're not pregnant? You're very sentimental when you talk about it," and wondered if that's the way she'd sounded earlier when both Derek and Cristina had asked her the same thing.

"No," Maggie said, "I'm sure...it's just...for the first time in years I'm thinking about the possibility of trying for another baby. I'd given up on that...years ago."

"If you can trust Aunt Pat's intuition," she said as she got out of the car and walked to her front door.

"I don't want to get my hopes up," Maggie admitted to her, "you know dreams aren't always..."

"Maggie," Meredith said, "I've learned...sometimes we just have to allow ourselves to dream...not to allow doubts and limitations..."

"You really believe that..."

"I do," Meredith told her, as she fidgeted with the key and the lock, "your brother, he made me believe...and Maggie, we almost...almost lost it all too..."

"Oh..." Maggie was quiet, "Meredith...I did not mean to..."

"Hey," Meredith said, "no apologies, you said it; we have a lot of years to catch up."

"Meredith," Maggie said, "I just pulled up to the house, and I've got a million things to do...but it was great talking to you...it was really important to me and I was right...will you tell Derek I love him...and I'll see him in a few weeks..."

"Why don't you tell him yourself," Meredith said, "I'm just walking in the kitchen."

"Ok," Maggie said, "that will be good...Mer...I'll email you...I'll probably have time...but this...talking to you...thank you for just listening."

"I expect you will do the same," Meredith joked, "when I have to rant and rave about your brainless brother."

"Hey," Derek said as she smiled at him, "I haven't done anything..."

"No," Meredith giggled, "but I'm sure you will," and handed her phone to him, and the brother and sister spoke for several minutes and when he disconnected wrapped his arms around his wife.

"She sounds happy," Derek said, "I haven't heard her sound this carefree in a long time."

"I told her I wasn't sure I'd be excited about two weeks in the desert heat," Meredith told him, though she did not feel she should reveal the rest of the conversation, "but she is."

"Kat's going to have her hands full," he said, "and Jenna's not going to be able to help out too much, so it will be just Kat & Mom with a ton of kids."

"Have you heard from her?" Meredith asked.

"Kat or Mom?"

"Jenna," Meredith said, trying to dismiss the feeling that something wasn't right. Her feelings or rather her instincts, she'd learn to trust as the years went by, were right. The next several days would severely test the growth she'd experienced in the last seven months of her marriage to Derek, as years of emotional abandonment and insecurities were not easily forgotten or overcome in a matter of months, and well intended and misunderstood actions gave way for the familiar dark twisty expectations to overshadow the emotional progress that would regrettably be manifested by a wall of emotional regression.

"No," Derek said as he nuzzled her neck, "but...why are we talking about my sisters..."

"What would you like to talk about," she said, and her teeth gently bit, then her mouth lingered on his neck.

"How I'm supposed to show my face around the hospital tomorrow," he chuckled, "you're leaving love marks all over..."

"You're mine," she teased, "to brand as I wish..."

"Really...branding..." he teased back, "does that go along with tying me up..."

"There may be some handcuffs involved," she said without altering her tone.

"What..." he pulled her away from him and stared at her, "seriously..."

"You ass," she smacked him. "I don't have those...don't you think you'd know..."

"We could," he looked at her suggestively, while his hands roamed her body before settling on her buttocks as they smiled at each other.

"Should we come back later," Izzie said in her usually chirpy voice, "or can I get something out of the fridge..."

"Stevens," Derek said, "leave us alone now..."

"Iz," they heard Alex's voice, "changed my mind...I'd go for whipped cream...oh," he paused as he smirked at Meredith and Derek, "don't mind us, we're just looking for..."

"Whipped cream," Derek said, "sorry we already used it all up ..."

"Derek," Meredith laughed, "we did not. Don't leave you two, we were going to have dinner, whatever dinner is and Derek always gets enough for leftovers, you can join us."

"No, they can't," Derek said sounding like a petulant child. "I planned dinner for the two of us only."

"But you bought enough for leftovers," she brushed his lips, "I'm sure of it."

"Way to kill our evening," Derek muttered.

"I promise," she wrapped her arms around him, "it hasn't...I'll make it up to you..."

"Mer," Izzie said, "really it's ok...Alex and I will order a pizza for later..."

"Don't bother," Derek grumbled, "that's what we're having. Make yourself useful Karev, grab the bottle of wine from the counter and uncork it, get two more wine glasses."

"You got pizza," Meredith smiled at him, "nothing healthy."

"Your favorite dish too," he said mentioning the name of their favorite Italian restaurant, "but figured you'd want pizza in the morning."

"I love you," Meredith smiled at him, "you know that...right?"

"Yes," he said and kissed her hard on the mouth, "you owe me."

"Gladly," she smiled and then helped set the table with Izzie, and they had a pleasant dinner, that actually made him glad they'd walked in and he smiled at the conversation between them, as Meredith showed off pictures of their trip on her blackberry.

"Mer," Izzie went on, "she's just precious...she really is...and that picture of her next to the doll, she's beautiful...she looks like a little doll herself."

"She does," Meredith agreed, "and her sisters...all the kids really are really cute, but I'm finding myself totally attached to the little ones...can you believe it Iz, even all dark and twisty me..."

"Yeah," Izzie told her, "you always had it in you Mer...you mother all of us. Even if you don't realize it."

"I don't," Meredith told her, surprised her friend would say that.

"Yeah," Alex said, as he munched on a slice of pizza, "you kind of do."

"Haven't kicked them out yet," Derek said, "that's got to mean something, it's like having kids graduate from college move back in and never leave."

"Derek," she said, "I don't act like their mother."

"Just a mother hen," Alex gave her a small smile, "you could have kicked us out."

"You're my family..." Meredith said softly, "you've all been there for me..."

"That," Derek said, "is why you are still here."

Alex smirked, "thanks...Dad..." and the four of them laughed and enjoyed the impromptu and unexpected dinner, and Izzie insisted she and Alex would clean up.

"Did I..." Meredith said breathlessly hours later, "make it up to you...live up...to your expectations..."

"Mer..." he said equally breathless as he lay back against the pillows, his arm raised over his head, "if...you'd done...any more...I'd be dead..."

"Just," she smiled as shifted her body and turned on her side, "making sure..."

"No..." he smiled, "traces of old boring married couples..."

"None at all," she said as she quickly straddled him, "want to join me...in the shower?"

"You're looking for a sex slave," he teased, cupping the back of her head and pulling her in to meet his lips, "to wash your hair, cause that's all I may be capable of..."

"I think," she smiled as his tongue teased hers, and she felt his arousal, "you'll definitely rise to the occasion..."

"You think," he chuckled.

"I know," she said as she deepened their kiss once again, and it was as many other nights, a prelude to a night of passion.

"I'm really I'm beginning to wonder," he teased her, as he held the hair dryer for her, "if you only keep me around to dry your hair."

"Jerk," she giggled, and turned to kiss him.

"You usually do this in the morning," his lips teased hers.

"I know," she told him, "but Jenna usually calls me between ten and midnight, which means I'll only get five hours of sleep or so..."

"Oh...I get it," he said, "Godchild trumps husband...and quickies in the morning..."

"Washing my hair now," she smiled, "guarantees we have time for a morning quickie," she said, and they teased and joked with one another before they made their way to bed for the night; neither aware how Jenna's extended silence would affect Meredith's emotions, and how Derek's need to protect her would serve to once more strengthen their relationship and help Meredith believe he would do whatever was necessary for their dreams to be fulfilled.