The Guilt In Me

~~Don't want to be~~

Present (March 2019)

"Shut up, Andrew!" A voice yelled, yanking my hands away from my face with frustration evident in their eyes. Those familiar eyes that used to hold softness and only softness before, but it was a sight I could no longer find in it; I began to breathe heavily while my heart thumped on my chest with aggression, it was fear that was beginning to spread inside me.

A fear, I wonder where it was when I committed that sinful act, there was a despise taking over my head for myself faster than any virus could. I pulled my hands away from their grasp and pushed myself back until my back hit the scrappy hard-stoned wall when there wasn't any more room for me to go forth.

"Snap out of it, Andrew. Snap the fuck out of it for God's sake!" They exclaimed marching towards me while buried my face on my knees, "This can't go on, I can't let this happen again. You're showing up to the trials tomorrow and that's it, dammit!!"

My head was aggressively pulled up by a rough hand that once used to be gentle to me, used to be my favorite. But this person in front of me was a completely different person, I felt the most insecure even though they had brimming tears in their eyes and lips quivered at my silence; yet what do I even say? No words could justify my deeds.

Tiredly pushing off my head they fell back on the floor next to me and sobbed, kept on crying in their hands while I watched helplessly, hating myself with every drop of their tear. I betrayed everybody, I betrayed myself. I didn't understand why would anybody want to even save me.

I can only wish that the cards were laid different but this person in front of me was no unknown, this was the person I was supposed to marry and live a happy life with, my fiancé or at this point...she was, at least to me.

-

The heavily fibred door opened noisily letting in the bright light from outside enter into the dim interrogation room, breaking my trance as the khaki uniformed man came in with his forever present crease on the forehead.

It was the first time I was out of my holding cage and was taken into another room. In my head I had already set the deal straight that I will never get out of the rusty cage they held me in, everything was said and done those years back and nothing was left behind to mend. Now all of a sudden I wasn't in the cage anymore and I had a lot of adjustments to do with my eyes to the light and real noises that aren't only from mine anymore. Everything was brighter and noises were utterly crisp then some of the officer's would purposely slam their baton over the iron rod of my cell to test my patience.

-

"Everything okay, Ms Rivera?" Han asked and I felt his stare burning a hole in my head, I clenched my fist and pushed myself further into the corner of the interrogation room. I hugged myself taking faster breaths out of increasing anxiety, for some reason I felt nauseous and had to close my eyes to avoid seeing any more of the movements for my own sanity.

Yusha, my fiancé, who also happened to be my attorney has been and is the best lawyer in the states for the last five years and when I did what I did, she stepped in it before anyone else could take up my case to prevent complications. But this isn't easy, never have been and I just can't stop contributing to the troubles more and more.

"It's all good, Han. My client is just having a moment here, give him some time to adjust" Yusha spoke, standing up from the cold white tiled floor, rubbing her tear stricken face with the sleeve of her shirt while the officer nodded, still sceptically eyeing me before stepping out.

It angers me, stares. It was always the only thing I got since forever, it had never not irked my skin up. If I've disliked it before, I loathed it now.

"Well then it's time for you to leave, Ms Rivera the times up" Han informed with a sympathetic shrug, ticking his finger over his wristwatch before walking out while Yusha nodded with a sigh. She turned to me and I felt her walk closer, she crouched down, placing her hand gently over my bare arm and slowly stroked over the tattoo we got together during our high school.

"Please listen to me" She began quietly, holding my face calmly before looking at me with her now tired emerald eyes, they were the same eyes that I had fallen in love with years back; those eyes looked more beautiful than ever also a little tired and wiser now.

I looked down because I couldn't match my eyes with hers and the last time I saw her I accepted my fate and the possibility that we'll never meet each other but here we were in a full circle, back where we started with just the difference that she was more driven this time while I was done.

"Why did you re-open this case?" I asked, looking at anywhere but her, "it's been years, you should let it go just like I did. It is clear and everybody knows that I killed-"

"Let me do this my way for once, I did this because I know back then something has been left out. I can feel it-"

"Law doesn't work on guts, Yusha. You more than anyone else should know this, there was evidence, proves and I pledged guilty for what I did." I opened and closed my mouth growing tired of saying the same thing again and again but she stared right into my soul, I knew she always saw everything right through me but this time I didn't want her to, and I was determined to dump the thickest curtains over whatever she was trying to search in me.

"I will get you out of this place and I've got plans to save you for real this time, Andrew. Not even you can stop me."

Yet for some reason her words made me look up at her eyes, I saw my own reflection in her beautiful orbs. Very much present but lost in the deepest woods, what I saw was all a shell of the person I once was but right now I only had one voice clawing in my mind.

"I don't want to be saved..."

*****

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Chen