A Long Awaited Love

Am I Gay?

"How was Twlight?" Kama asks the next day. 

"I didn't watch Twlight,"  I say. 

"Oh, was it a documentary?" she asks. 

She's lying on my bed working on math homework. 

"Shane kind of took me to a club." 

Karma bolts up, eyes wide. 

"For real? Tell me everything!" 

What is there to tell? I talked to a horny boy who bought me a drink, and then a DJ/waitress/maybe lesbian flirted with me. 

"It was pretty uneventful actually. Shane hooked up with a guy that looked a lot like Edward, so Twilight was still there in spirit," I say. Karma sits cross legged and stares at me. 

"You're lying about it being uneventful. Something happened." 

I give her a look, trying to pull off the act. "What? Psh, nothing happened except that Lauren complained about the music for two hours." I wait for her to say something, my stomach gurgling. 

Her mouth drops. "You met someone, didn't you?!" I look down at my hands a pick at a hangnail. "Oh my god, Amy, who is he?" 

"I didn't meet anyone!" I shout. 

Technically it's not a lie. Sure I talked to two people, but I didn't romantically meet anyone.

Did I? 

"Fine, whatever. Don't tell me about him. I'll find out eventually." 

She goes back to doing her math.

My mind keeps going back to Reagan. She was funny and charming and cute. 

"Karma?" 

Karma looks up at me. "Yeah?" 

"What if...the person I met...what if..." I trail off, not finising my thought. 

"What if what?" Karma furrows her eyebrows. "Amy, are you ok? You're acting strange." 

"Just forget I said anything." 

"Whatever," she says. 

**********

I can't be gay. 

I'm not gay. 

But I've never had a boyfriend. 

So maybe I could be gay. 

No. 

I'm not gay. 

I lie down on my bed, Karma having left long ago, and just think. 

I've never had a boyfriend, never even had a crush on a guy before. Is that normal at 16? I think back on my life. Every good moment I can think of, I've been with Karma. Trips to the beach for Spring Break, sleepovers every weekend, holding hands at the movies and cuddling on the couch. Why can't I go back to that? Her warm hugs and her sweet smell and her-

Holy. Shit. 

I sit up, sweating. 

I'm gay. 

I always have been. 

I think back to the day I met Karma, at five years old. I remember thinking that she was the prettiest thing I'd ever seen. I remember wishing she would say hi to me. I remember butterflies in my stomach when she finally did. 

I've had a crush on Karma since I was five, and I've been pushing it down until now. 

Because I thought it was just because she was my best friend. Best friends can call each other pretty and hold hands and cuddle. Best friends can think other best friends are adorable and amazing. That's what I've told myself for years. I've made myself believe that all this is just what best friends do.