The Mafia's One Desire

chapter 29: whimper

Sofia Milan Chavicci

Alessandro cradles my small hands in his large, thumbing slow circles on the back of them. He's desperately trying to get me to understand why he does what he does, but it's still hard to wrap my head around. I get that he wants to help people, but he has tortured and killed more people than I can even imagine. Before I knew the extent of what he did, I thought it was morally sound. 

I didn't like him, and I wasn't about to fall on my knees for him, but I had a feeling that there was a good reason behind things that I heard that he did. I knew and I still know that everything he does is to make sure people are safe, that people don't even have to know the threats that face them. But now that I know how he does that, how he protects people, how he protected me...I'm not sure that I agree with it.

I watched him beat someone to death with a hammer, and then he moved on like it was nothing. That's traumatizing no matter the person is that he beat to death. It doesn't sit right with me. Sometimes when I look at him, all I see is the blood splattered across his face, the dead look inside his eyes. Sometimes I wonder if the same hands that always touch me gently could one day be the hands that I'm a victim to. 

He repeats time and time again that he would never hurt me, but he doesn't know that for sure. I don't know that for sure. He hasn't so far, but I can't trust that he never will. I love him, I'm so in love with him, but am I willing to risk my safety to love him? I want to have a family someday.

What if I have a child with him, and he starts to hurt them? He's a powerful man, and would I be able to get out of that situation without potentially hurting my own child? I don't know. It seems like a simple answer, but he hasn't hurt me yet. He has never hurt anyone of his family members. Underneath all the layers of violence, he's kind and sweet, and intelligent. He's gentle, emotional, rawly human, and so goddamn beautiful. 

That's the man I also see when I look at him. That's the man I fell in love with and continue to love. In some ways, I trust him more than I trust myself. So, I don't know what I want to do. I have given him the benefit of a doubt, a chance within this marriage, but am I trapped here now? I glance at him, staring deep into his eyes to see the love for me placed in them.

Neither one of us says anything as the plane abruptly lands, and it's time for us to get off the flight. The tension between us builds through the car ride, and to try and break it, I ask where we are going. He only says 'you'll see', which is so typical, and leaves the question hanging in my thoughts. 

I stare out the window for the next forty or so minutes, listening quietly to the music playing through the radio. I feel fingers lace into mine, and even though I'm stressed and a bit annoyed at him, I don't let go. Even if I'm a bit worried about the future of my safety with him, right now I couldn't feel safer. 

He listens to me, trusts me, cares for me in a way no one else has. He has since the beginning, even before we met officially. What I keep questioning for myself, is why would he hurt me if he hasn't already? I've been pretty damn annoying for parts of my life, with him in it. If he didn't hurt me in those moments, why would he hurt me in the future?

I turn my head, placing a kiss against his cheek. He's surprised for a minute but slowly releasing the tension in his body.

"What was the for?"

"Ti amo. Anche se non ti capisco del tutto."
[I love you. Even if I don't fully understand you.]

"E ti amo. Qualunque cosa accada."
[And I love you. No matter what happens.]

His lips land against mine, kissing me deeply. I moan while his lips caress mine hungrily, and I moan into his mouth as his hands squeeze at my hips. His tongue enters my mouth, pulling me further into his touch. All thoughts about the future are forgotten as he draws me deeper into the present. His touch grounds me as my hands run through the softness of his hair starting at the base of the back of his neck.