Great gasping breaths overtook her body, her frail and somewhat limp body
Pain ricochetted through her, her hair sticking to the sides of her face as she shivers in an abundance of fear and trepidation.
Love.
Hate.
More importantly, sanity.
The high pitched almost screech echoed in her ears causing her pupils to narrow into tiny dots until her eyes fluttered shut her body instinctively curling up into an almost foetal position.
Soon enough her cheeks were washed with the warm salty tears seeping out of her closed eyes, each of them creating a trail warming the dullness of her skin before the chill of the air hit the trail causing her to once again shiver involuntary at the sharpness of the cold air hitting her skin.
The roughness of the cotton beneath her skin should be something that is comforting but the protruding bobbles of worn down material felt like they were daggers in her back, in her skin. She was hurting more now than she ever had apart from the time before.
Before she got better.
Before she became her again and balanced her life.
Before she felt like the walking dead.
But before the before she felt lost.
Her body involuntary jolted, her hair falling over her face like a curtain as she was unable to find the energy to tie it up let alone the strength to let people see the entirety of her face. She gasped.
A gasp where she let out a breathy cry.
A gasp where she would never let herself change the way she was but maybe now it was time for that change.
Change could be a good thing surely?
She wasnt convinced.
Convincing herself was easy, especially convincing herself of all the wrong things. After all, thats why she was here.
She blinked slowly, every time her eyelids closed her tears fell down her face and they couldnt stop.
The ceiling was white, playing out the images of her past in front of her as if it was her own private cinema, her own private torture.
Genuinely she believed her surroundings were torture.
It was wasnt it?
She left for a reason and she knew that reason was to forget, forget the past and move on except it was easier said than done because memories always haunted her in a way she would never forgive herself.
Forgiveness always came into it.
She forgave Kian for everything.
She forgave herself for the past mistakes she made.
That was forgiveness.
There was one problem with forgiveness and that was that in the darkest times she couldnt bring herself to forgive herself because she genuinely thought she wasnt worth it.
No job, that was down to her, she needed a break but she couldnt forgive herself for that.
No partner, that was down to her, she needed to be alone amongst the select friends she had.
No nothing.
Nothing.
Her mind was nothing.
Nothing but an existing mass full of muddled thoughts, desires and wishes.
Wishes; she wished to feel alive again instead of a walking disaster.
Desires; she desired to be her once more, she got there before with the support of others.
Muddled thoughts; this was her.
The feeling of not being able to change struck her down in certainty, it struck her down with such force she couldnt breathe because she knew that if she didnt change she wouldnt be herself again.
It was weird she was herself, she was still Jac Naylor except she was a more fractured version of herself, a version which she couldnt cure herself, on her own.
But being alone was so much simpler.
Simplicity was something she craved.
It was something logical yet healing.
She needed to heal but still, the sound of the gunshot echoed around the room and her mind.
She couldnt stop it not on her own.
She needed help and she knew that but she couldnt bring herself to get that help because it hurt, her whole body hurt, her head hurt, her body ached and she couldnt deal with it not anymore it was too much.
Love.
Hate.
Pain.
