Who Would Have Thought

Chapter 9

Trees. There were lots and lots of trees. Derek had said he lived out of the way and that he didn't have neighbours but she hadn't expected this many trees. There were lots of trees. Kind of all over the place, which probably happened when someone was in the woods. But still, lots of trees and space. And far away, it really was in the middle of nowhere, completely no where.

They had agreed on a time, and she had figured leaving from her apartment with thirty minutes to spare would be okay. Except she had taken the ferry boat, and then there was still a lot of driving to do. And she was late. Completely late and....trees. Derek had written directions down for her and she was slowly starting to realize he didn't actually have an address. Unless a tree was an address.

This was weird. When she had dated Derek he had lived in a high rise apartment. He had loved his high rise apartment. And now he was living with trees. And probably some animals. It probably wasn't even safe out here with all the animals that were living in all of the trees. He was probably putting her life on the line. Even if it all looked incredibly beautiful.

There was something completely peaceful about it, about the trees everywhere, about the really simple sounds that didn't involve honking horns or screeching tires. Just trees and wind and birds...and there were animals. There had to be animals. It was amazing. Not Derek-y at all. At least, not the Derek she had dated twelve years ago. This was the exact opposite of that Derek.

Of course he probably lived in some really big house. He had probably gotten rich and bought some gorgeous land and put a huge house on it. Knowing Derek he didn't even touch the wilderness, just look at it. When he wasn't too busy working to actually be at this house. Which made it even stranger he lived in the middle of no where. Her mom had always wanted to stay close to the hospital.

Hell, her apartment was three blocks from the hospital, she could tell how far away a trauma was at night. Doctors wanted to be close to the hospital, they had to be close to the hospital. Except Derek lived in the middle of nowhere in a big huge house and it probably took him more than an hour to get to work every day. Crazy. He was crazy. Even if this was amazing, he was nuts.

There were no more directions. Apparently she was here. Which actually probably confirmed something. Derek didn't live here. Derek had found some big empty lot, well empty besides the cozy looking trailer, and brought her out here to kill her. He was definitely going to kill her as there was no way he lived here. He probably lived downtown or somewhere normal. Definitely not here.

Maybe he had turned into a serial killer or something and this was his torture chamber. He didn't seem like the serial killer type, but, well, there was no way he could live in a trailer. In the middle of nowhere. He had definitely brought her out here so no one could hear her scream. And there was probably a ton of places he could bury her body or something.

"You made it," he voice, muffled through the window, broke through her thoughts.

"Holy crap, Derek!" she tensed slightly, moving to open her door.

"Holy crap?" he frowned, moving aside as she opened the door.

"You scared me," she sighed. "Actually, this whole thing is scary. And I probably should have brought some pepper spray or something since it's clear you're going to kill me."

"Why is it clear I'm going to kill you?" Derek asked, smiling softly at her. He looked different. How he was dressed. He looked like he belonged out here with the trees and the animals and the trailer.

"Middle of nowhere. Trailer. Trees," she pointed out, her eyes roving over his body. Over the jeans, the long sleeved shirt, the vest thrown over it. He looked completely...not Derek. Only more Derek. More Derek than she could ever remember him looking.

"I live here," he shrugged.

"You live here?" she raised an eyebrow. "You live in the middle of nowhere on a big empty lot in a trailer? You?"

"Yeah," he nodded, smiling slightly.

"Derek...it's a trailer," she frowned. "It's a trailer in a big empty lot surrounded by trees."

"My trees," he grinned. "All this land is mine."

"All this...how much land?"

"Forty acres."

"Forty," Meredith breathed, finally moving away from her car and closer to his trailer, looking around her. At the trees, at the lake behind them, at him in his jeans and vest, and then at the trailer. Derek lived on forty acres in the middle of nowhere in a trailer. A trailer. "Derek...you live on forty acres. In a trailer. It's...you could build a house or...you live in a trailer."

"I plan to build a house eventually. I think. I don't need it so I've just been...the trailer works for me," he shrugged. "I know it's insane."

"You used to live in Boston. In an apartment. A high rise apartment."

"Yeah," he nodded.

"And now you live in a trailer."

"I wanted a change. Something new."

"This is..."

"Crazy? Insane? Stupid? Or do you have a new one? Because it's been called all of those."

"Amazing," she breathed.

"A...really?"

"Yeah," she murmured. "It's...I mean, Derek, this is...the land and...it's you. I mean, not you you because I'm pretty sure twelve years ago you wouldn't have even thought about moving out of your apartment but it looks like you and it's...it's amazing."

"I like this more than the apartment," he sighed, smiling softly. "And...it is amazing."

"I...it's weird you live an hour away from the hospital," she admitted as she walked towards the trailer, eyeing it carefully before her eyes caught a glimpse of the lake and the dock. "But it's...you have a lake, Derek."

"I have a lake. Which...you should see the view during the day, Mer. It makes the commute worth it. And the fishing, fishing on my own land makes everything worth it. An hour isn't too big of deal."

"You fish?"

"I fish," he nodded.
:
"Oh," she breathed. He fished. Derek Shepherd fished. Derek Shepherd who had liked going to museums with Addie liked to fish. The extent of his outdoor activities before all of this had been trips to Cape Cod or the Hamptons. But he fished. Derek fished. And it made sense. Somehow, Derek fishing made complete sense. Derek living out here seemed completely normal.

"It's a nice escape," he shrugged.

"It's...can I see the dock?" she asked, already moving towards it.

"Definitely," he laughed softly, following behind her.

She moved down towards the dock, pausing just in front of the water and taking a deep breath. Amazing. It was amazing. The water rushed by in small, hurried currents over the rocks, lapping gently over them. A fishing pole and a bucket rested against a tree next to her and she couldn't help but smile. This was..."Wow," she exhaled.

"You like it?" he murmured.

"It's...I love it."

"Hmmm..." he nodded slowly. "I wondered what you would think if you ever saw this."

"You did?" she asked, turning towards him. Relaxed. He looked relaxed out here. That's why he looked different. He looked relaxed and happy.

"Yeah," he shrugged. "It's...different than my old life."

"Completely different," she murmured, moving past him back towards the trailer. The small silver trailer with a wooden deck and lawn chairs and...this wasn't Derek. This wasn't Derek but it was. It was him and she wasn't sure how that made sense.

"You should see it in the daylight," he sighed, moving to follow her again. "There's this amazing view up in the mountains that just takes your breath away. It's too dark to hike up there right now but you should come back and see. It's amazing. If you're not afraid of the hike, of course."

"Afraid of a hike?" she giggled.

"It's long. And involves mud. Mark bitches anytime he comes along, and Addie won't even try."

"I can't imagine Addie hiking," Meredith laughed, pausing at the door of his trailer. She couldn't just walk in. It was his house. Or like his house. It wasn't actually a house, it was a trailer. But still, she couldn't just walk in.

"Go in," he laughed. "Continue snooping."

"I'm not snooping," she rolled her eyes but went into the very small trailer. But it was nice. It wasn't a crappy trailer, it was actually really nice. And cozy or something. But it actually looked like a little small apartment, except everythign was connected. She could go into his kitchen and look right into his bedroom or bed place or whatever it was called in a trailer.

"What do you think?" he asked from closely behind her.

"It's..." she looked around carefully. There weren't many pictures. She wasn't sure why that bothered her. In Boston, there had been pictures everywhere. But here...she could see two. One of the Shepherd family and one of Addie, Mark, and Derek. But otherwise, no pictures. Or decorations really. It was just a really small trailer. "Small."

"It is small," he laughed softly.

"But...nice," she nodded moving forward slightly closer into the kitchen area. Clean. Everything was clean. Derek was a neat freak. Or not really a neat freak. He really wasn't. But everything was clean, which seemed weird in a trailer. "It's kind of...you live in a trailer, Der."

"I do," he nodded.

"Which is a little strange," she giggled, moving into the space where his bedroom was. Books were on the bedside table, a fishing magazine balancing precariously on top of some medical journals. The bed was neatly made, but his jacket was thrown haphazardly over it. Her eyes moved over to the other side of the bed, where she saw another picture of the Shepherd family.

"I know it is," he sighed. "You're not the first person to tell me."

"But good strange," she smiled, leaning down towards the picture, smiling when she saw an older Sophie holding a baby. "Derek...this is..." She shook her head, picking up the picture, her fingers brushing over the glass slightly.

"Sophie and her son Brandon," he smiled softly. "And all the rest of them."

"Wow," she murmured, surprised by the tears that rushed to her eyes.

"Mer?" he asked softly.

"Yeah," she took a deep breath, setting the picture down quickly and blinking back the tears.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Meredith nodded, turning and finding herself practically in his closet. Where she only saw one suit. Which was weird. She was pretty sure that even as an intern, Derek had had more suits. But now, his closet was full of khakis and jeans and sweaters.

"Okay," he nodded slowly.

Her eyes moved up to the shoes, a couple pairs of dressier shoes, but mostly tennis shoes and hiking boots and she turned quickly to look at him. "You're not Derek."

"What?"

"You're not Derek," she repeated. "I mean, you're Derek. But you're not Derek Derek. Or Boston Derek or...you're not Derek. This isn't...you have one suit. And you live in a trailer. And you hike. You hike, Derek. And you fish. You're not Derek."

"Oh," he laughed softly. "Actually...I think I'm more me now than I've ever been before."

"Yeah," she nodded slowly. "I...I think so too. Which is...I don't even know what that is."

"After we broke up...I took some time, after the pain went away, to really...think about things," he murmured. "I started looking at my life more and...made some changes."

"Apparently."

"I'm happier now."

"I know," she nodded carefully. "I can...you don't own suits. You hated suits."

"I now try to avoid suit wearing occasions," he laughed.

"Well you only have one," she giggled. "So that's probably a good thing."

"Probably," he laughed. "And I actually have two. The other one is in a closet at Mark's place."

"Mark doesn't live in a trailer does he?"

"Mark has an apartment near the hospital," Derek laughed. "I crash there when I stay really late or if I'm worried a patient of mine might need me."

"Oh," she nodded, falling onto the bed and reaching for the bedside table, lifting up the fishing magazine and medical journals. "Sorry...I'm...I'm snooping. I know. Which is...I shouldn't be digging through your stuff."

"Don't worry," he sighed. "I'll just go to your place and return the favour."

"There's not a lot to go through," she shrugged as she opened the bedside drawer. This was bad. She definitely shouldn't be doing this. Digging through her ex boyfriend's drawers was probably the worst thing ever but...she giggled slightly. Box of condoms, some breath mints, and more fishing magazines.

"Why are you giggling?"

"Condoms, breath mints, fishing magazines," she shrugged. "Weird combination."

"True," he laughed. "I swear one doesn't have to do with the other."

"Of course not," she rolled her eyes, closing the drawer before falling back onto his bed. "You have a skylight."

"I have a skylight," he smiled. "Want a beer?"

"Beer is good," she nodded, looking up at the cloudy sky. Amazing. This was amazing. Derek lived in a trailer with a skylight and he fished and he was happy. He was really happy. And this was amazing.

"Here," he sighed, handing her a bottle.

"Thanks," she smiled, sitting up to grab the bottle. She pulled her legs under her, taking in the small trailer, still feeling a little surprised by all of this.

"It's not that weird, is it?"

"The trailer?"

"Yeah."

"It's just...I mean, you lived in an high rise apartment. And went to the Cape with Addison and her family."

"And at the time I thought I liked all of that."

"But you didn't," Meredith nodded carefully. "You...it's not weird, Derek. I mean, it is kind of. But you're...you're happy."

"I am," he nodded. "Works not my life anymore. I like this better."

"Hmmm," she sighed, turning over to look into the other bedside drawer, smiling when she saw the old worn copy of The Sun Also Rises that his dad had bought him from some old and rare bookstore. That was Derek. That was still Derek.

"So we should...you're here for a reason besides snooping," he sighed, moving to sit with her on the bed.

"I'm not...okay, I'm snooping," she sighed, closing the bedside drawer quickly.

"I'm not complaining."

"Still...you didn't invite me to snoop, you invited me to do the talking thing. And I'm avoiding the talking thing which I swear, I don't do that much anymore. Avoiding. I know I used to a lot but I don't. Except since I moved here I do. Which is...I'm going to stop snooping and we can talking. No more snooping."

"You can snoop while we talk," he offered, lauhing softly.

"No, I'm stopping. Really stopping."

"Okay," he smiled.

"Okay," she breathed, picking at the label on the beer bottle.

"So...talking."

"Talking."

"This is...it's kind of a big deal."

"Yeah it is," she nodded. Talking. They were going to talk. Which after the break up, she had thought of everything she had wanted to say to him, wanted to yell at him, wanted to ask him about, wanted to throw back in his face. She had thought about all of it twelve years ago, but as the years had passed, she had forgotten most of them and just moved on. And now they were here.

"So how do we even start this?"

"I have no idea."

"Great."

"You...you left me," she blurted out.

"I know I did," he murmured softly.

"You left me when my life was complete crap."

"I know," he nodded slowly. "I'm sorry. I know it's not enough, but I'm sorry."

"I know I probably deserved it but...you left me."

"You didn't deserve it," he shook his head. "No one deserves to be left alone. And...that's what I did. You were alone."

"I was."

"Which...I was an ass, Mer. I know."

"You didn't even warn me or..." she shook her head. "I know I was a crap girlfriend. I know that. I was a terrible girlfriend but you said things, Derek. You said no matter what and...and then I was alone."

"When I said those things I meant them, every single word," he sighed. "And then...it all got too hard. I know I should have given you more warning. Said something. Done something."

"Saying something might have helped."

"I know that now," he nodded. "At the time...I was just...tired. Exhausted."

"You...you were the reason," Meredith bit her lip, shaking her head. "It doesn't matter."

"Meredith, if we're going to talk this out...it matters."

"I was...everything was a mess," she murmured. "Everything was a mess and I didn't...she was dying and I didn't know what I was doing and you were...you were you. You were always you."

"I know, I tried," he sighed. "But you stopped...you weren't you anymore."

"I know that," she nodded. "Now I...but Derek, you were supposed to be you. You were always supposed to be you and there because you were...you had it...you were supposed to be there. And then you weren't."

"I wasn't strong enough. I was supposed to be strong enough and I wasn't. I loved you and I wasn't strong enough to watch you fall apart."

"You didn't even try by the end."

"I didn't know how to anymore," he sighed. "I would try to get you to talk and you'd either snap at me or you'd ignore me. If I touched you...you flinched, Mer."

"I didn't flinch."

"Yeah, you did. I'd want to hold you, just hold you and...you'd literally pull away."

"I...Derek, if you touched me, I was going to break down."

"That's...that would have been okay," he whispered. "I would have held you while you broke down. I...you needed to break down."

"No, I didn't," she shook her head. "I didn't need to break down. I needed to find a way for my mom not to die. I needed to figure out what the hell I was doing with my life instead of working in a bar every night and...I didn't need to break down."

"Yeah, you did, Mer," he murmured, reaching for her hand. "At least with me. With everything going on...crying, it would have been okay."

"You weren't there," she said. "Sometimes...I thought about breaking down and you weren't there. But I didn't need...I didn't want to break down. I couldn't break down."

"I'm sorry I wasn't there," he whispered. "I should have been there more, I know."

"You didn't want to be there."

"Meredith, yes, I did. I always wanted to be there."

"Really? You wanted to be there? Because I remember your shifts ending and you still being at the hospital six hours later."

"That was..." he sighed. "My intern year I was caught up in work. I was cutting and I...probably got a little high off it. It wasn't that I didn't want to be home with you. That thought never entered my mind. It was more...I'd fully intend to go home to you and then some thing would come up and I'd...want to stay."

"Derek, you didn't want to come home to the mess that I was."

"At the beginning...I wanted to come home."

"And at the end?"

"It was easier to work than go home to the woman I loved...who I wasn't even sure if she still wanted me there."

"I was at your apartment every night," she pointed out. "Every night after my shift I went to your apartment. Not my apartment. Your apartment."

"I know," he nodded. "And then you wouldn't talk. You wouldn't eat. You wouldn't let me touch you. I wasn't sure why you kept coming."

"Because I needed you," she whispered quietly.

"You didn't act like it."

"I didn't...I didn't need people, Derek," she defended. "Before you, I didn't need people. And I didn't know how and I...I just needed you. And Mark and Addie would come back and they'd say you got caught up in surgery and you wouldn't...I needed you."

"You should have...I would have been there. If you had just said something. You never did. You just...sat there. I didn't think it mattered if I was there or not."

"You thought I was just there to be there?"

"I didn't know what to think."

"I just thought...I thought with everything else...I thought you would be there."

"It's hard to be where you don't feel wanted."

"It was hard..." Meredith shook her head. "I was a crappy girlfriend, Derek. I know that. I was a terrible awful girlfriend and I should have given you sex and I should have let you hold me and...I know, I sucked."

"Meredith...you think it was about the sex?" he breathed.

"You complained about the no sex thing when we broke up."

"That was...I was upset and I used to a crap example to show how bad it was," he shook his head. "Everything you were going through...I didn't expect sex."

"Fine," she sighed. "But I still...I sucked, Derek. I sucked at being a girlfriend. I know that."

"No, you didn't," he shook his head. "You had too much going on to be a girlfriend, that's all."

"That's not an excuse."

"Yeah it is," he nodded. "You're not super human."

"Neither are you."

"I like to think I am."

"But you're not," she murmured. "You're not super human and you...you weren't there, Derek. But..."

"But?"

"Neither was I," she admitted quietly.

"No, you weren't," he sighed. "Neither of us were."

"I'm sorry."

"I am too," he sighed. "I've never felt good about how that went."

"You didn't?"

"No," he shook his head. "It's always been...you're my one regret."

"You're mine too," she whispered.

"When I met you...I never wanted us to end."

"I know."

"I've always hated that we became such a mess," he sighed. "We were so damn good together."

"Before..." she paused for a moment, looking towards the floor where her purse sat. "Is that my pager?"

"I think so," he nodded. "And...that's definitely me pager."

"Shit," she groaned, reaching for hers. "911."

"It's got to be big if they need both of us," he sighed. "Figures."

"And of course we're an hour out," she sighed, climbing off his bed.

"They're used to me taking an hour to get in," he laughed. "You...will probably be cause for some more rumors."

"Oh, that we got back together and had crazy hot sex?" she giggled.

"Basically," he laughed.

"Great," she rolled her eyes.

"Kinky sex while watching porn."

"With Addie and Mark."

"Of course," he nodded.

"So...are we good?"

"We're...better," he smiled softly.

"Good," she breathed. "That's...good."

"It is," he nodded. "It's...really good."

"Yeah," she whispered. "I um...big 911 page."

"Yeah, we should go," he murmured.

"Yeah," she nodded, turning quickly and walking out to her car. They had talked. They had talked and apologized and everything was...everything was okay. Because she wasn't mad at him anymore. She wasn't mad and she actually kind of liked his trailer in the middle of nowhere. She liked his trailer and...she didn't want to yell anymore. They were okay.