Good Girls Say Please

kidnapped by....Juan Detention?!?!?!

I'm sitting in an empty auditorium while a bunch of british dudes i've never heard of gyrate and dance poorly on a stage. i've only gotten to know one so far and his name is liam. he's cool i guess, but he keeps asking me to call him daddy which is like suuuuper weird. every once in a while, a blonde girl shows up and starts having a fucking meltdown and i can tell that she's quirky. Like...tiktok pained jeans kevin quirky.

My name is Biffy Bifferson and I bet you're wondering how I got here. well, i'll tell you. My mother always said she wishes i had been aborted. she was obsessed with snorting coke and doing heroin in college dorm rooms to reach peak supernova, so i spent a lot of time by myself. never in my life would i have guessed that she would sell me into slavery for a single crystal of meth, but here we are. i can still remember the morning i threw my hair up into a messy bun then went downstairs to find the british dudes standing in my kitchen. my mom handed me a suitcase with nothing but a toothbrush that had been whittled into a shiv, a piece of raw meat, some salt and pepper, and a pencil.

"here stupid fat cunt" my mom said to me. "you have to give your new masters a sacrificial offering. i'm selling you into slavery so i can buy more drugs and i'm turning your bedroom into an opioid den for me and my friends."

"you mean timothy from the hookah store?" i asked my mom. that bitch didn't have friends.

"shut the fuck up or i will punch you in the goddamn clit. most men don't know where it is but i sure as hell do. give one direction their offerings," my mom said.

"um. i have a piece of meat?" i said, unsure who it belonged to. a boy with curls on his head snatched the pork chop from my hand and proceeded to start sniffing it aggressively.

"ME NAMES HARRY," the curly fuck said. "THIS MEAT IS OKAY BUT I THINK IT WOULD BE BETTER WITH SOME FUCKING ~fëtã~ INNIT."

"you put feta cheese in your meat?" i asked

"DONT QUESTION ME BITCH," harry said. "YOU LOOK LIKE A 6 OUT OF 10. STOP TALKING AND YOU CAN BE AN 8."

moving on, i decided to pull out the toothbrush shiv. "what am i supposed to do with this?" i asked juan detention.

"isssssss for me," a dark hair boy hissed, suddenly encompassing himself with a big black dick i mean cape. his eyes were glowing red and i could see sharp teeth pointing out of his mouth. "I DEMAND A BLOOD SACRIFICE. I MUST NOURISH MY BODY AND CONSUME HUMAN LIFE TO PROTECT ME FROM THE SOON!!!!!"

"hey what the fuck," i asked the vampire dude. was he cosplaying?

"I AM ZAYN, GOD OF THE UNDERWORLD, DROPPER OF PANTIES, ENEMY OF EDWARD CULLEN. OPEN YOUR VEINS SO I CAN STEAL YOUR LIFEFORCE FOR ALL ETERNITY!!!!"

i stood still in shock and concern but decided slitting my wrists was better than life with these assclowns. when i had made a small incision in my skin, zayn tranformed into a bat. lesser bitches would have had a panick attack, but i embraced the goddamn fucking lunatic animal with open veins (and wrists <33333).

after zayn had sucked some blood from me i started to get a little bit horny. i pulled the pencil out of the suitcase seductively, running it over my coochie. "who wants a pencil?" i asked the remaining members of Oboe Dentist.

"VAT WOULD BE ME LUV!!!! ME NAMES LOUIS!!!! I EAT CHALK, PENCILS, ERASERS, AND EVEN CRAYONS WHEN I NEEDA BIT OF A WANK INNIT," louis said. damn. was he the funny one?

louis ate the pencil and i was overcome with a distinct feeling that this wasn't the first time he's shoved wood down his hole. he could probably deep throat a salami better than your mom on my dick after christmas dinner and i got ever more turned on.

"fuck, that's so hot. how many calories is in that?" i asked louis, fighting the urge to get naked in front of my cumguzzling mother.

"MORE CALORIES IN A PENCIL THAN IN MAH EGGS!!!!" the blond one screamed, interrupting my sexy time with louis.

"ME NAME NIAL!! I PULL THE EGG OUT THE CHICKEN FOR UP THA BUM PIPPA FUN!!!!!" niall magically produced a bra full of eggs, both scrambled and boiled.

"ILL TAKE THA SALT LUV!!!! GOTTA SEASON ME EGGS!!!!" niall said, reaching into my suitcase and stealing all my seasonings. the most disturbing part was that he didn't peel the boiled eggs before eating them. he simply shoved two in his mouth at a time, chanting something about progressive auto insurance the entire time. was he sponsored by them?

"i'm afraid i don't have anything left for you," i said to the remaining member of Orthopedic Doctrine.

"is awrite bruv, me name liam and i'm here to make sure we get you on tha tourbus safely. got a wee show to do tonight in new york so we ave go now. call me daddy innit," liam said.

"okay well. by mom i guess. i hope you overdose and die a miserable death. see you never," i said? following the british boys to the bus parked outside my house. inside was a giant pentagram made of lemons. hovering above it was a tall man with a curly mustache and a black hat.

"vats goob," niall whispered to me, "he's a wee bit of a good luck charm for us. he fights off our competition and crazy fans in return for a fresh bag of lemons each week. he likes to fuck the lemons to release tension and communicate with satan."

"to fuckign what?" i asked niall. i was already so goddamn confused.

"don't ask," a blonde girl said suddenly appearing next to me. "my names taylor. i've been trying to figure this shit out for over a year. just don't question it an youll be fine. try not to catch herpes in the process."

this taylor girl was preganatee as fuck. i could see the baby (or babies?) kicking on the inside of her stomach and she was violently texting some guy named brian from tinder on her phone. i decided to follow her advice and not ask questions.

just then, i got slapped in the face with a massive steak. it hurt like a bitch and i was immediately sent into fight or flight. harry was foaming at the mouth, festering meat clutched tightly in hand.

"WELCOME TO THA BAND!!!!!!" he cried.

a sense of panic and dread settled in my stomach as i began putting the pieces together. unexplainable events? things not adding up? weird vampire costumes? festering meat? pregnant women?

this was much worse than i thought. i wasn't getting kidnapped by Obese Dietician. i was....LARPING!!!!!

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hey kitty girls!!!! hope ur clittory pumps are ready for book 2!!!! get ready for some cockery!!!!
lean cuisine!!!!

xoxoxox quirky kate