Who I Want to Be

Unshakable Fears

We meet in the foyer after class. I'm the only one with a duffel: Marion has a plastic bag, and Emma has nothing. She says that everything fits in her backpack. While us three wait for Clo, we suggest movies to watch. Well, they do; I stand silently and hope their decision isn't too gory. Eventually they agree on Cabin in the Woods. It almost feels like a ploy against me.

At one point Tobias passes by to leave. He waves briefly at us before going. I almost say bye, then I see Marion's face so I don't. Wendy also walks by us. She is with a group of people, so I expect her to ignore me. Surprisingly she stops and smiles, wishing me a good weekend. Then, her friends shephard her towards the door.

Finally Clo appears as one of the last few students trailing out.

"Sorry," she apologizes. "Had to stay late to finish a test."

"No worries," Marion responds.

We barely make the bus - racing across the pavement, dust clouds billowing beneath our shoes. Clo has to bang on the door so that the driver opens it with an annoyed glare.

"Next time," the driver chastises, "I'll drive off without you."

The four of us chat as the bus plows over potholes, Clo and Marion leaning over the back of their seat. At one point a bump almost sends Marion flying into Emma. Thankfully Clo holds her back, though she can't hold herself back from laughing. I can't either, giggling as we bounce and gossip about nothing. Perhaps it is because it is Friday, or because Clo seems to have forgiven me, but I feel incredibly happy and light. I feel like a part of the group once more.

After clamoring off the bus we are still a good 10 minutes away. The sidewalks are wider though - wide enough for three girls to squeeze beside each other and one oversized one to bring up the rear. My arms are sore from the duffel but I push forward. I am scared to fall behind.

Clo's house sits on a busier street. It lines right up against the road, so that the rumble of passing cars and trucks almost shake her front porch. It is also quite narrow for the property, like someone built it thinking other houses would sprout up right beside; and tall, like it'd have to reach higher to breath. Her parents greet us at the door. They show us where to put our shoes, coats and bags. Embarrassed, Clo pushes them away. I know that Emma has been here before - Marion too - but I don't feel jealous. Rather, I feel like I am now a part of the club.

After a dinner of ordered pizza and soda we all squeeze onto the sofa, while her older sister bakes us bite-sized brownies in the kitchen. I have a surprising amount of space. I look over at Marion beside me and realize she is right up against Emma, turned completely away from me. Between us is a good few inches of empty space and it feels incredibly lonely.

"Gabby, you sure you're gonna be okay?" As Clo asks, she searches something up on her laptop, then places it on the coffee table. A pirated copy of Cabin in the Woods pauses on the screen.

"Yes," I say, hopefully convincing enough. In reality, I'm shaking and sweltering. My fingers dig into my destroyed jeans.

"Alright then," she responds, before leaning forward and pressing play. I sit, terrified, practically squirming, as the first scene begins. I want to run and hide. I want to cover my eyes. But I know that if I do then Clo, Marion, and Emma will never let me live it down. They already think I'm weak - I have to prove I am strong. Still, though, I cannot last very long. Even before the first drop of blood is spilled I get up off the sofa.

"You good Gabby?" I turn around at Clo. She's looking up at me like she knew I didn't stand a chance.

"Washroom?" That's a good coverup. I'll just hide in there for a little while.