Who I Want to Be

The Things We Cannot Change

The weekend brings about rain. A heavy, endless storm that pummels into the windows and violently rocks the shutters. Outside, torrents bend trees sideways, flooding the forest floor with murky rainwater. It is a terrifying sight, yet I cannot pull my eyes away. Monday looms overheard - dangerous and foreboding. A milestone I hope never to reach. I know what will come of that day already - Clo and Marion and Emma endlessly mocking me. It will be more miserable than the rain. I wish I didn't have to go to school. Just skip, stay home, feign illness. But that's impossible, because I cannot give Anna any more indications of being teased, else she forbid me from seeing my friends. So, instead, I pray that Monday never comes. I shut my eyes and pretend that this isn't reality, that everything is different.

When I open my eyes, I'm already on the pavement waiting for the bus. It rolls up and the door creaks open. One last chance to run but I am too scared to take it; instead I slowly walk up the filthy bus steps. Marion and Clo are already seated; they look at me and smirk and my stomach flips because I know I'm in for it.

"Is everything okay?" Clo asks as I take my seat behind them.

"I guess. Why?" She raises her eyebrows.

"I don't know, maybe cause you had to leave for an emergency?"

"Oh, yeah, that."

"What was it anyway?" Marion turns around and leans over by Clo, staring me down in a similar fashion.

"It was, um, private."

"Did you, like, start your period or something?" My cheeks flush a furious red.

"Guess we're lucky she didn't feint at the sight of it."

"That's not it," I blurt out. Their eyes narrow in a terrifying sync.

"Don't tell us - was it your first time?" Clo's syllables drip with sly condescension. I hate it.

"I said that's not it." With what little strength I have, I stand my puny ground.

"Then what was it?" In mere moments, Marion turns that ground to dust. I look up, nervously cowering, at her.

Suddenly, everything is closing in. I try to talk but the words won't come. Why won't they come? I am desperate for something, anything, to say. But instead I speak in silence. Powerless, cowardly silence. Clo and Marion soak in it, defeating me.

"Seriously, Gabby, you need to have some guts." As she talks, Clo begins picking at her cuticles. "What are you, five? It honestly looked so fake, there was nothing to be afraid of."

"Yeah," Marion quickly agrees. "It wasn't even scary. You should've heard us laughing."

"You're right. I'm sorry." Clo abruptly bangs her fist against the seat.

"I said: stop apologizing. It's pathetic." She doesn't say you're pathetic, but I hear it nevertheless. Afraid of slipping up again, I say nothing more. Neither do Marion or Clo, and the rest of the ride to school reeks of loathsome silence. This attitude leaks into the rest of the day - and the next one. They all act disgusted by me, as though I am diseased. They treat me like I am one misstep away from rejection. So I tread cautiously and quietly; I stitch my mouth shut. I will be as invisible as a ghost.

______

On Wednesday next week Clo is absent. In a conversation between Emma and Marion I overhear it's because of her cramps. They lace their voices with sympathy and I do not understand why. Even when I'm dying from my period, Anna shoves me out the door and tosses my bag behind me, shouting have fun at school. So why doesn't incapacitating cramps make Clo weak when anything I do makes me? There must be a reason - I'm just too dumb to see it.