Who I Want to Be

Invitations

I return to the cave the next night, and the ones after that. Each time, Azalea is there waiting for me, along with Lily and Aster. They smile when they see me, and give me big, generous hugs. No one before has ever been happy to see me - I am filled with so much joy. They answer all my questions and never shame me for my actions. They are unbelievably kind.

"How did you meet my mother?" Azalea turns to me deep in the night. We are lying on the grass outside the cavern, Lily and Aster fast asleep beside us. Above us stars splatter the night sky.

Which time? She asks, laughing. Her hand in mine is warm compared to the frigid March air.

"The very first one." Azalea's gaze rests back onto the night sky. She sighs and lets go of herself, sinking into the mossy ground.

She was young, a child. Playing in the field behind her home. Once she and another girl wandered too far, and got lost. I guided them back safely.

"My mother told me that story."

Yeah?

"She said that she saw a pair of silver wings in the light."

Hmph, figures, Azalea notes, Jen was always perceptive. I agree. In all my memories, my mother looks at the world with wise, beautiful eyes. Where is she now?

Azalea's words suddenly slow everything down to an eerie silence. What do I say, what can I say? I don't want to break their gentle hearts. I don't want to reshatter mine.

"Gone." Azi's grip loosens and pulls from mine. I hear her breath mix with the heavy, cold air.

Gone gone? I turn to Azi's frightened face and nod. Tears well up in her eyes. They fall like spun silver. I'm sorry. I didn't know.

"It's okay. It was a long time ago. I'm already beginning to forget her."

That's no good. You have to remember her. All of her that you can.

"Then tell me," I blurt out. "What of her do you see in me?" Azi sits up and looks across the dark forest floor. Her light spills all around her.

Everything and nothing.

Suddenly she stands; brushes the dirt from her dress. It is late. You should get back. I have asked too much of her and now I am regretting it.

"I'm sorry," I sputter. "That was uncalled for."

You did nothing wrong. She smiles down at me motherly. I just need some space to breathe.

"Oh, okay." I climb to my feet and she gives me a light hug goodbye. "I'll see you soon, right?" Azalea simply nods. I take one last look at the cave with the fairies before turning away and walking back to the house. It is still dark when I climb into bed. I see no sunrise this morning. Rather, I sleep past it, until Anna wakes me up hurriedly, before I am late for school.

*****

"Gabby. Gabby? Gabrielle? Gabrielle!"

"Ow!" Marion kicks me in the shin. I bend down to massage the reddened skin. We are standing by our lockers before the bell rings. Clo is also there, looking at me like an alien.

"You good? You seem out of it."

"No, no," I reassure her, "I'm fine. Just thinking."

"Wierdo," Marion mutters, before turning to Clo. "So, are we still on for next Saturday?" Clo cringes, then quickly glances at me before turning away.