loving you with borderline personality disorder

003

march 02, 2021

"not my coworker making me question being lesbian"

yes, i actually said this to my friends.

and i continued.

"please stop being so nice to me because you're a man and i think i could actually fall for you if you keep being yourself.

you always stick up for me against customers or coworkers being rude/creepy to me or even saying my name wrong like why are u so protective and u call me sweetheart and baby and "beautiful as always" and hype me up out of nowhere with "damn baby! always one step ahead of me!" and always trying to start conversation with me and make work fun with me STOP BEING YOURSELF YOU'RE PROBABLY JUST BEING NICE ANYWAYS BUT EVEN IF YOU DID LIKE ME YOU'RE A MAN WE WOULD NEVER WORK OUT BECAUSE ALL MEN FUCKING WANT IS SEX IN THE END. THEY ALL DO. ALL THEY WANT IS SEX. I CANT GIVE YOU THAT.

I CANT STAND MYSELF

i cant fucking stand being alive

i hate my fucking brain

i hate myself

why cant i be normal

why cant i be enough for a relationship with a man to work out?

why do i have to be so fucking difficult with everyone

i want to die so badly every time people show interest in me or when i feel things for people because i just *know* it will never be worth it

i am not meant to be loved by anyone

i'm too much

i never see the point in relationships for myself anymore

no one would ever fucking love me."

after this bpd episode though, the next day all feelings for you were gone, and y'know...

i just thought my daddy issues were acting up again and confusing me because you were a man giving me attention. so the next say i just told all my friends that it was a false alarm.

sometimes i kind of wish it was just a false alarm. don't take it personally, because i love you and you're perfect, it's just that i don't think i deserve someone great like you.

i don't think i deserve anything.