loving you with borderline personality disorder

018

april 9, 2021

so you don't hate me... and you got a haircut!! and you look so handsome with it, i swear, you will be the death of me with how good you look... even if most of your clothes are hand-me-downs from your bestie. she really does have great style!

you are so sweet. you have no idea how much it means to me, just the way you communicate things in general swoops me off my feet sometimes. you actually listen and let me talk. you own up to your faults and mistakes and take accountability, and you let me own up on my own shit, too, but without beating me down about it. you understand me. you don't invalidate me, agree with the dumb negative self-talk i mutter to myself, insult me, degrade me, or try to brush off or avoid serious topics just because they don't seem that serious to you.

i explained my daddy issues and my BPD and where it developed from and you just listened, and validated it. it warms my heart that you listen to me on that topic because a lot of people will just brush it off when it impacts a huge portion of my personality and life.

i'm sorry the littlest shit is a big deal to me sometimes. i don't mean for them to be a huge deal to me--to be so reactive and to make things harder than they have to be. i try to manage my bpd as much as i can but it's so... hard, sometimes. i just really appreciate you and how you communicate with me and work through these tiny inconveniences that my bpd makes out to be a big deal, to deescalate my overreactive emotions and make me feel better--feel reassured.

i appreciate you so much.

you finally called, too, and we talked about shit i never thought i would be able to speak up about vocally. i am so bad at communication with my voice because all my life i've been taught growing up that explaining my feelings, perspective, and thoughts about a conflict with someone automatically meant that i was talking back to them and trying to escalate the issue further. i've been taught that keeping my shit to myself regardless of how serious the issue is, is better than opening up to someone because it protects me from experiencing more abuse and invalidation on how i feel and think.

but... you did none of that when i did. and i am so fucking shocked because i'm just so comfortable already with communicating with you?? it baffles my mind. you really got me wrapped around your finger already, and it scares me.

i'm trusting you.