loving you with borderline personality disorder

011

march 28, 2021

the worst breakdown of my life. i am so, so sorry. for so many fucking reasons.

we didn't have our date saturday, that i had been looking forward to for a week. then we didn't have it sunday either, which i also looked forward to and got dressed up for.

it's not your fault for what i did to myself, though if i were to tell you the true reason for my meltdown you would immediately blame yourself. it's not your fault my brain is wired so tightly to believe such fucked up delusions, such negative generalizations about love and relationships—it's not your fault that my bpd symptoms showed themselves today. my issues are not your fault or responsibility at all. i know with time i will get better, if i can learn to trust you, y'know? to be secure in a relationship with you.

... if that's what you even want.

i told you i slit my throat, my wrists, slammed my head into the restaurant wall, and overdosed on gabapentin because i saw my reflection and couldn't bear the sight of myself. it's partially true, but i left out the main trigger because i don't want to come off as blaming you. that's toxic. i don't want you to beat yourself up over something that isn't your fault to begin with, but it's something you would stubbornly beat yourself up over if i were to tell you.

it was the stupid little accident of telling you "i love you" too early. i don't really get the "i love you" being so serious and sacred, because i tell my friends it all the time and my past fps it even if they didn't reciprocate that feeling to me, and they never had an issue. but i respect that boundary of yours since you respect my ridiculous fucking asexuality, so i'm not going to say it ever again until you do... but it still kind of stung. especially with the "uhhhh" that you added into the message explaining that it was too soon. and then saying that you want "us" to be sure that a relationship with each other is what we want. and then telling me that you don't want to come off as "leading me on".

your intentions were probably harmless, i know, which is why i don't blame you for anything. please don't think that. it just reminded me of abby. and i lost it for that reason. it felt like a fucking replay of that entire situationship i had with her and i wanted to die.

yet, i bottled it in. because it's a stupid thing to be upset over. you're allowed to have boundaries. so i kept it all to myself and exploded on myself as soon as i was all alone with my head.

and then we didn't go on our date sunday, which was fine with me. dates can be scheduled any time. but you never answered my texts that entire day and i started freaking out, wondering if you hated me and were going to abandon me. i texted michelle to see if you were awake and just avoiding me, or if you weren't receiving my messages because your phone sucks or the signal was out, or whatever. but you were just asleep. you slept through our date, which is fine but... my brain immediately jumped to the conclusion that you were dead.

my trauma sucks. the entire time you weren't responding i was having a dramatic meltdown, thinking you took your life in the same way my granddad had—that you went through with what you told me you consider doing often. i cried so hard for you, staring at the bloody valentine picture you made for me and just holding it close, literally mourning a death that i wasn't even fucking certain happened. my bpd is so fucking ridiculous.

i am so sorry that i am like this.

i'm so sorry that i care so fucking much. it's exhausting for us both even though i keep it to myself for the most part. i'm just still so sorry, regardless.