Stuck on You [Varsity Boys #2]

THIRTEEN

M  O  N  A

I stare at the ceiling above, hearing the ticking sound of the clock on the wall, and I can't find the urge to sleep. Every part of me is awake, recalling the events earlier. I don't regret it because I learned early on never to regret decisions. Then, how come something is festering inside my heart? It's a whisper at first, but it's progressing to loud shouts.

And Seth's expression is imprinted on my mind. The only image I see whenever I close my eyes, haunting all the corners of me (conscious and subconscious). He didn't react at all. He kept his face stoic, no emotions seeping through his exterior layer.

Like a slap to my face, Seth didn't say a word to me. He simply grabbed his bag and walked out. His actions were signs that he didn't want to mend our relationship because he couldn't let go of the past. We were both at fault, and for the first time, I was ready to admit it out loud. I guess I was the only one.

I twist and turn in my bed restlessly. Giving up, letting out a huff before turning to see the time. 4:15. I've been home for the last four hours, and there aren't any clues that Seth is coming back or wishing to speak to me. I should be glad about this predicament, ecstatic because he isn't a good guy and definitely not good enough for me.

Why am I hoping that there's a text sitting on my phone? I can't keep getting my hopes up with the idea I had of Seth because he doesn't even come close to the picture. He doesn't grovel and will never own up to his mistakes. Pushing down our problems, pretending they don't exist, is an option he'll always choose.

Luckily for me, Sunday is my day-off, and I have the entire day to wallow in self-pity. I get up from my bed; sleep is no longer an option. I trudge into the kitchen, grabbing the vodka bottle in the cabinet and taking a swig straight out of the bottle. Bottle in hand, I rummage through my pantry, searching for snacks I can munch on.

Times like these make me wish I'm more open about the nagging troubles in the middle of the night. I can call up Drake, and I know he'll be here in an instant despite his conditioning in a few hours. But I'm not a selfish person, and it's the same reason why I'm in this dilemma. Plus, I know he'll tell me to let him go and that he isn't worth it. Drake doesn't see Seth like I do; he'll never understand.

Look where that got you. You can't sleep without taking medication or drinking until you passed out, Mona. That's the price you paid for letting someone like him in the first place.

I place the bottle down on the countertop, taking a step back as if it just assaulted me. It might as well did because the truth is speaking loudly right now, hitting every inch of me with facts. I can't keep feigning the facade that I've completely moved on.

Perhaps I need to stop holding to the happy moments Seth has given me. Although he made me happy, where my cheeks hurt from smiling, or when you're thinking about it, you can't help but smile to yourself. And he constantly proved himself to be different than what his friends told me, even though he told me they were right. I only now realized that his childhood friends are right.

When I wake up this morning, I'll start my new chapter. I'll focus solely on myself, become a better version of myself every day, and finally close that chapter of my life. I won't move forward when I'm stuck in the past, and for that to happen, I'll have to forgive him and myself. It won't happen overnight, but thinking about it is a start.

❢❢

"Have you paid your bills?" Mama asks as I fold my laundry.

Mama and I make sure we phone one another once a week. Apart from Lily's family that we are happy to be part of, we only had one another. When my sperm donor (because that's his role, nothing more) decides to up and leave, placing all the responsibilities of both parents to one, Mama made sure we have a solid relationship. I know I can run to her when I need to, and she can do the same.