Under Summer Sky • Zarry

24. Things you can't take back

I hadn't heard from Zayn in two weeks.

It had been two whole weeks without him and I was losing my mind already. I was now severely plagued with the constant fear of losing him, up all night in my bed, alone, tossing and turning, dreading what he could be thinking about, scared that he was never going to forgive me, that he didn't see me the same anymore.

I couldn't even recognize myself.

I lost all of my motivation to do anything at all, to the point where Nick was coming to my room at my house and bringing me food and desserts in bed, all sorts of rom com DVD's, trying to make me laugh with stupid jokes, but nothing was working.

And my mum was sad for me, but trying to be the parent she would reason that maybe it was better this way, that perhaps we would just hurt each other more if we kept on like this, but I wasn't listening to her either.

I barely got through Christmas. I had to plaster a false smile on my face in front of everyone in my family, doing everything that I could to fake my way through presents that I didn't care about, an appetite that I didn't have, songs that had broken melodies.

And I was always glued to my phone, just waiting impatiently for Zayn to call me, like a hopeless, broken fool. But he never did.

All I could do now was snuggle up with my dog Cleo in bed and tell her all about how stupid I was and she just listened to me without judgement, like she always did, as I stroked at her fur and laid my head on hers, sinking into a depression-like fog.

Zayn finally rang me after the new year, pulling me out of a nap that I had taken after my shift at the bakery. My fingers were shaking as I answered his call.

"Hey," I greeted him quietly.

"Hi," he said plainly.

Then there was already a lull of silence that fell between us, the one that I hated more than anything, and deep down I just knew instinctively that it wasn't going to end well; I could just feel it in my blood.

"So I thought about this whole thing with us," he finally said.

"And?" I asked with the slightest bit of hopefulness in my voice.

"I don't think it's working out."

"But...but..." I replied, my voice breaking.

"Harry..."

"But you said to me before we left for the summer that we weren't exclusive or anything. Like, you're really going to let this ruin what we have? There's no chance that I can fix it or make it up to you?"

"It's not even really about Silas or about other guys," Zayn returned.

"Then what is it about?" I asked.

Zayn huffed. "Can't you see, Harry? You weren't obligated to be loyal to me. You could hook up with him if you wanted to."

"Then...then what's the problem?"

"That is the fucking problem!" Zayn exclaimed, sounding exasperated. "Jesus Christ Harry, do I have to spell it out for you? We aren't in a real relationship!"

"I know!" I yelled back. "So what, you want me to make it official with you?"

He sighed deeply. "No, because you can't do that."

"I can't! I don't even have the time for what we've been doing and I told you that last summer. We are so busy, Zayn. It's just impossible to do more than this and you know it's true. I hardly have a moment for just myself, let alone for us."