Under Summer Sky • Zarry

23. Morphine

I cried myself to sleep, and then I woke up to the memory of Silas saying:

I don't want you to regret it.

But it was too late because I already regretted it. I was in a state of hating myself and my stupid, impulsive, drunken thoughts and my actions based on an assumption, insecurities and my inability to trust because of it.

And I was really starting to hate how I was so emotionally immature and incapable of making a rational decision when it came to relationships.

Maybe I just wasn't built for them.

But of course I didn't have time to sit around and feel sorry for myself because I had to get ready for work, even though my head and heart were both pounding like a heavy metal bass line. So I got up and faced the day, spending the morning swallowing my issues and being polite and cheerful to all the patrons at Bentley's Bakery; that was my job and my mum was counting on me.

And I kept slyly checking my phone every time the rush died down at work to see if Zayn had texted me back, but he still hadn't. The worry was now filling my mind up like dark clouds rolling in as the time crawled by far too slowly, afraid that Zayn was going to ignore me now.

Then I was off to football training once my shift was over, practically rushing over to Sportsdock with Zayn's blue and white bandana wrapped around my head, since I wore it like that every time now. And I spent all afternoon taking my anger out on the field, so much to the point where my coach told me that I needed to to take a minute for myself.

I guess everyone could see that I wasn't okay.

I wasn't expecting Silas to catch up with me so soon, either. He came up to me while I was on my way back to Marley House after football training. He jogged up behind me abruptly as I was speed walking across campus with my air pods in, now clapping a gentle hand on my shoulder and I froze before turning around, forced to face the ghost of my mistake.

I took my air pods out. "Hey...what's up?"

"Harry...I, um. I just wanted to make sure you were alright."

I shifted awkwardly. "Yeah I'm good," I lied.

"You sure? It's just that I couldn't sleep much last night because I was worried about you," he said, his voice filled with concern.

"Why would you be worried about me?" I asked, cocking a brow.

"Because you were a bit drunk and you seemed strange after we um...you know. I mean...I enjoyed it of course but...I have to be honest, I could see something else in your eyes and looking back on it, maybe it was the wrong move, like I shouldn't have done that with you last night."

I sighed, looking at the apologetic expression on Silas' face and I felt awful. I realized just how good of a person Silas really was, that he was still somehow more concerned with my feelings than his own, and it hurt me even more to think that I could be so fucking selfish all the time.

"No it's just..." I started to say, fumbling with the words. "It's my fault, not yours. You're such an amazing guy, Silas. Like...seriously incredible. I did enjoy it, I'm just all over the place and...maybe you shouldn't even bother with me, honestly."

"Look, I like you Harry," he said earnestly. "I know that it's not really the same for you, but I still like you, anyway. But I don't think we should do that again, not when your mind is elsewhere, when you're wrapped up in someone else. But if you need a friend, I'm still here."