Between Shades of Gray

XVI

5 days had already passed since the night I saw Jennie kissing Rosé at the front door of our apartment. She hasn't opened up about Rosé and somehow I felt hurt and I really don't know why.

Is she keeping secrets from me?

But the thing is, I really don't understand why I should feel relieved too. I don't know how would I react if Jennie told me that Rosé and her are getting serious. Or if she told me that she is in love with her perfect girl. I don't know if I could handle that.

But I know it was inevitable. For her, I am her best friend so I know that one day she would tell me everything about them.

And it happens today.

Jennie was busy cooking dinner when she drops the bomb. She said it so casually that I have to repeat it again to her just to be clear.

"Dating? You and Rosé are dating?" I ask. I feel my heart clenches inside my chest. Good thing that she didn't look at me because I am sure my pain is all over my face. She was too busy cooking.

"Well, uhm... yeah. We started dating but you know... it's uhm... It's really new and uhm-" she struggled explaining

"Hold up. I'm confused." I said, trying so hard to act normal in front of her.

She stops and looks at me. I have to ask the inevitable. I have to ask her the most hurtful words but necessary for me to hear. I need to know.

"Do you love her? Are you in love with her?"

My heart thumps wildly inside my chest. I swear to God, I can feel in every corner of my heart, it's bleeding as I waited for her answer.

"Honestly, I still don't know how I feel about her, Lili." She said softly that made me feel relieved temporarily.

"But what I know is that I like her. We have a lot in common. It's really safe to say that she is my dream girl." And by that, she made my heart screams in pain.

God, why does it feels so painful? It's like I can't breathe.

The love of my life telling me directly that I didn't earn the title 'her dream girl' makes me want to cry my heart out but I need to maintain my composure in front of her. Jennie is my best friend. I can't be selfish when it comes to her. I love her just like that.

"Maybe you will develop feelings when you spend a lot of time together. As you've said, she is your dream girl. You don't need to rush your feelings. Take your time with her and eventually, everything will be clear for you to understand." I said, swallowing the lump in my throat.

"You think so?" she asks, meeting my eyes.

Again, I tried so hard to appear calm and relax as I nod my head. My eyes can't betray my emotions; but I don't want her to know about my feelings. I don't want her to feel pity on me. I don't want her second rate love. I don't want her to-

"Maybe you're right. Anyway, we're still not together officially. I mean, we're dating but there's no confession of love or that sort. It will happen in the right time, I guess." She said, smiling at me.

"Right." I agree.

"Rosé looks like a nice girl. You seem perfect for each other." I said, trying not to sound bitter as I looking away. Then I stand up to get a glass of water to keep myself busy.

"You really think so? I mean we kissed and it felt nice."

I almost choked when I heard her.

"You kissed? Did you-" Flashes of their kiss scene suddenly invaded my mind. Actually it's been on my mind for couple of days and I can't shake it off. It still hunts me. Hurts me.