Honeybee Stories

If The World Falls To Pieces...

TRIGGER WARNING: PHYSICAL SELF HARM, IMPLIES SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

Serenade

Mama left me in the bedroom to nap, but I really wasn't tired. Mommy is at work, and I really want them both here in bed with me, but Mama has to clean up around the house too. After about 15 minutes of laying quietly in bed, my mind began to trail off into sad and scary scenarios, Mama and Mommy leaving me, or they fight and break up, just horrible things that I usually know won't ever happen, but right now it felt like such a possibility. I let out a small whimper, the noise only I can hear because I'm alone in the room. I felt pain in my chest, not physical pain really, but I felt completely broken. I start to tear up but I swallow the urge to cry, and I just try to zone out so I can feel a little numb, and I don't end up freaking out. I feel like a complete burden, what if Mama just put me down for a nap because I'm annoying and she doesn't want to take care of me? What if Mommy wasn't really at work, she was somewhere far away from here, because she doesn't love me, and doesn't want to be with me and Mama anymore? What if, while I'm sleeping, they both leave me alone, and I won't have mommies no more?
I'm sure Mama is downstairs cleaning, and instead of going downstairs and asking for cuddles to feel better, my brain made the decision to go into the bathroom. I don't use the big girl potty often, most of the time I'm little, and I have a really hard time not having accidents, so I wear a pull up or diaper usually. But I felt the need to sit in there. I remember hiding razors some months ago, in the corner of the cupboard behind some medicines that don't get used often. I felt really overwhelmed, and the thought of the razors wouldn't leave my head. The tears that were forming in my eyes eventually trickle down my cheeks, and I let out a small sniffle as I jump up from where I was sitting on the tile floor, and I swing open the mirror cupboard, my eyes immediately landing on the pill bottles that were keeping the small sharp pieces of metal hidden. With a shaking hand I move the bottles out of the way, seeing the razors, and I carefully pick one up, moving to sit back down on the floor in the corner of the bathroom, bending my knees up close to my chest and I wrap my arms around my knees and press the front of my forearms into the top of my calves. "I don't have to do this.. I don't.. Don't do this.." I whisper to myself and take a deep breath, but then I open my eyes and see the razor in my hand, and my mind just goes blank and I move one my right arm out, pointing my forearm up towards the ceiling, and I lightly trace the razor over my old scars, most of them weren't from sharp metal, rather I would burn myself before, with just my fingers, or scratch deep into my hands. But I look at the old cutting scars on the side of my forearm closest to the middle of my arm, and I remember how amazing it felt to cut through my skin, euphoric even. I inhale deeply and press the razor into the skin right about my old cuts, moaning lightly in pain and relief as it cuts through my soft skin. I feel myself slip into darkness, and I just go wild, cutting deep into my arm multiple times. I start to cry and let out labored breaths, shaking as all of the pain seeps out of the deep cuts, some would call it blood but to me it's just, all of the horrid thoughts and feelings. The deep red liquid drips onto the white tiles, and I just keep going until finally.. I feel relief. Complete relief and it washes over me, and I drop the razor. I rest my head against the wall and close my eyes as I pant softly, slowly coming down from the high I was feeling.
After about 5 minutes, although it felt like forever, I look back down at my arms and my eyes grow wide. I immediately regret doing this, and I start to slip into my little space rather quickly, the sight of the blood absolutely terrifying me, and I start to wail out and cry, screaming for Mama, complete panic washing over me.

Sally

"MAMA?! MAMA HELP!" I suddenly hear Serenade scream from the bathroom. The bathroom? She rarely uses the toilet, why would she be in.. oh no. I realize what could of happened and immediately jump up and run into the bathroom, my heart completely shattering at the sight. "I'm sorry Mama- I didn't m-mean to!" she wails when she sees my hurt face, but I get closer to her and hush her gently. "Baby breathe, breathe. Please breathe, I got you." I whisper in a shaky voice, seeing the blood drying on her arms and I can make out the multiple scattered cuts on her right arm. She's paler than normal, which means she lost some blood, which makes plenty of sense, it's quite obvious. I try not to look at her with pain or panic, instead I kiss her face all over, tasting the salt from her tears but I don't care, I just keep peppering her with kisses. I stop eventually and grab a washcloth, wetting it with warm water and I come back to her and be as gently as I can as I wipe the cuts clean. She wails and screams, and I know she's getting really little, this happened last time she self harmed. How and the hell did she manage to get razors? I keep them hidden now, but she managed to find some. I continue to shush her as I clean her up, and I look down to see her diaper is completely soaked. I sigh and then decide to get in the shower with her, so I set the cloth down and scoop her up in my arms, letting her grip onto me, although she had a weak grip I know she's just needing comfort. I manage to get her diaper off, and I also am able to peel my dress off, both of us being naked now as I start the shower, and she's a little calmer because we are skin to skin. she can't hold up her head now, her whole body limp against me, and I know she's in newborn headspace now. I keep a good hold on her as I let the water stream trickle down our bodies, being careful and making sure the water wasn't hitting her face. "Shh, it's ok honeybee, Mama's got you, you're ok." I whisper in her ear as she continues to fuss, she was probably in pain, I imagine those cuts sting. I get her washed up, and I get one of our softer big towels and wrap us in it. I walk to the bed and lay her down over the towel, gingerly drying her off and diapering her. I scoop her up again, she's only fussing quietly, letting out small cries and I carry her back to the bathroom to grab bandages before going back to the bed and laying her back down. She isn't going to like the bandages, right now she doesn't understand what's happening, why she's in pain. I think about how to make this as easy as I can, and I decide to let her have a bottle, knowing that would distract her most from what I was doing with her arm. I take the bottle that I was feeding her before naptime and slip the rubber nipple between her lips, immediately getting her attention, and she starts eating quickly. I tuck a blanket under the bottle to support it as she eats, and I gently take her arm and open the first big band-aid. I lightly rub Neosporin onto the cuts, making her flinch and start to fuss a little, but I start singing softly. "Come sit, by the window, to see, from a better view.." I sing out her favorite lullaby, and she starts to calm down more and continues to eat, and I continue to sing softly and bandage her arm. "If the world, falls to pieces... At least I'll be with you. I'll save you.. you'll save me too.." I sing softer and softer, dragging out the words and once I finish bandaging her arm I look at her face and see that she's fast asleep, so I gently pull the bottle out of her mouth and swaddle her up in the blanket, being careful of her arms and I pull her up to the head of the bed and surround her peaceful little body with pillows so she doesn't roll off of the bed, and then I step out of the room, keeping the door cracked and staying right outside of it so I can watch her, but I needed to call Mina, and get her home quickly.