Lmfao Entertainment For You Guys

4/7/21

Not to alarm anyone of my irl friends reading this.

I really want to fucking kill myself. I really do. I thought i was okay, i thought i was fine. Im not and i fucking know it. But everything i do makes me want to kill myself. If i breath it hurts most of the time. If i eat i want to throw it all up and starve myself because i eat too much and my body isnt what i want it to be, i weigh a lot and i want to not be so fat. If i think about things my head starts to hurt and i want to smash my head in. These fucking thoughts wont go away and hurt me do much. If i walk i feel so awkward and i feel weak. If i look i see the stares, i see the people around me that look so much better than me. I see boys who were born boys and dont struggle in wanting to be accepted as another. I see girls with tons of friends. I see my own friends who are better and dont seem to struggle. I see everything around me and realize so much is passing by. I see q lot going qround me but i struggle to focus on the good things. I only look and listen to the bad things because i feel that's all theres is to our world. I can't ever pretend everything is okay anymore. I just cant. I fucking hate the thought of being  alive. I hate the thought that im the person i am now. I just want to die peacfully. I want to wake up in a void, sleep all the time and dont have to worry about anything. Other times i want to die and reincarnate as the person i want to be and continue living the life i am in now but better. I hate it so much. I hate how everything is so difficult. I have a hard time concentrating on my studies, on my life, everything. I hate how I had to be born a female and want to be a male. I hate it so fucking much. My parents barely put in effort into trying to help me but always say they are doing things. Is yelling and hitting us over making a simple thing helping? Are you teaching us that hesitating to talk to others the blame of our own friends and us being worthless? Is teaching us that its so hard to get help actually helping us? Is that it?

I want to kill myself so badly. Its far too late though. My cousin beat me to it and i cant cause anymore pain. To my family or my friends. Especially my friends. I dont want to hurt them because i care so much for them. So all i have left is to cry and hope and imagine things that will never happen.