When The Rain Stops (BXB)

Chapter 34

I want to be better. I don't know what the hell's wrong with me.

Rory's gone for his morning run. The past two days have been this weird mix of "emotionally available" and "don't talk to me or I'll punch you", so I'm now officially desperate. Getting him alone and talking to him's just a way for him to avoid talking to me. And getting him in public is, like, a promise that he'll be Rory with me. So I'm taking the dirty, guilt-ridden way.

But I have Grandma's blanket. I feel a little better.

It's not enough to really help me not feel like a piece of crap.

The first thing that I notice is that his poems don't take over what's been written already. Like last summer, his poems were everywhere. But this one's are choked with entries, and what makes them worse is that they're not vague. He complains about school, specifically his math teacher, Mr. Jacobsen. Something happened after winter break between him, Evan, and Caleb. Something so bad that there's literally an entire page just crossed out and unreadable, to the point that it's almost about to fall apart. It's real fucking clear that he blames them, though, but how he writes it, there's so much more going on.

Fuck them. Fuck them both. "You're going to college. I didn't take a gap year, so you won't either." FUCK YOU DAD

But that's just the tip of the iceberg. Rory's rants about his parents're, like, supercharged, but why he hates them so much now, he doesn't say. Or what happened. He talks about college, clubs at school, teachers, and it's this giant mess that his parents're in the middle of. How he isn't getting to do what he wants. And for him to hint at it like that, I'm surprised he wasn't more specific.

His journal entries get shorter after spring break.

Jackson's probably the only person right now who's willing to put up with me. He's just

oh, fuckGod, he's just too good for me. It sucks ass.

Somehow, it fucking smells like him. Fresh strawberries. And if I wasn't snooping on my boyfriend's privacy and feeling like shit, I'd kinda love it.

I flip to the next page. The poems're back. Except for the first time, they're all drafts. They're not his poetry. They're not his haikus. They're trying to copy other shit. The same poem edited and crossed out over and over for at least four pages. And the only lines I can actually read aren't even written by him. They're

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Thou art more lovely and more temperate:"

Okay, so I might be dumb, but I know enough famous Shakespeare stuff to know that my stomach twisting is probably the best reaction to that.

After a late April one, he stops dating them. The pages're feel crinkly, like someone's been pouring water on them and leaving them out to dry. He writes constantly over and over about how amazing I am. Which is a great ego boost but now's definitely not the time for it. But he switches between talking about me to talking about school, and whatever happened between Evan and Caleb. Which he pretty much says is their faults.

I get to the last entry he's written.

Should I even bother telling him I don't want to do it? I must be fucking insane to think I'd do it for him. I can't do it, but I want to for him. I don't know what to do.

Just shoot me. God dammit.

The rest of the page is crossed-out words with Rory trying to probably put it into words. I close the thing and put it back under the bed. I head towards the door for something to eat, but I only get as far as opening the door a little.