When The Rain Stops (BXB)

Chapter 39

Dad sits down on the bed and taps his legs. He's probably waiting for me to say something about the smell. Waiting for me to scream at him, or something like that. He scratches the side of his head and starts, "We've...we've been talking to the Harwoods. For the...past couple days." His eyes can't stay on me for long, because that'd mean he has to actually say something. So Dad's looking everywhere else. "They, uh...they, they talked about..." He takes in a slow breath, looks at me, and says, "It doesn't matter what I tell you. Tell me everything."

I blink.

"Everything. Everything you think I need to know. Everything that happened this year. Everything. The big stuff, the-the little stuff. Everything. Just – " He runs his hands over his head and sighs. "Tell me everything."

Turning away, I shrug.

"Jackson, tell me everything."

A part of me doesn't want to. Like, I just...can't.

"Jack?"

I bite my lip and shake my head. I cross my arms. "...I...don't understand."

He leans forward. "What?"

"I don't understand."

Dad holds his hands together and waits.

I sigh. "I...I don't understand things anymore." I look at him and bounce my foot on the floor. "I...I thought I knew how everything was supposed to go." I sigh. "Was it always this confusing, or 'm I just, just stupid?"

Dad opens his mouth.

"I...keep wondering when I'm supposed to understand everythin' again because, because that's how it was before." My chest's heaving. "I don't wanna go home because I don't belong there anymore. I...I don't wanna go back. Because it's just a big, fat reminder that I fucked everything up. No scholarship, no friends, nothin'. I had one fuckin' job to do this year – get the soccer scholarship – and I couldn't even do that right. Like, how dumb do I haveta be to not do that?" I swallow what's in my throat, again. "I don't, I don't, I don't how to be me anymore." I sniff. I can't help but frown. "Like, I – " I gulp. "What was I like, last year? I-I don't remember. What was it all like before this? It just, it feels like a million fuckin' years ago that everythin' happened. I don't remember not feelin' like this. Feelin', feelin' confused by everything. Let down by everyone. Scared. Like, like really fuckin' scared. I don't wanna be this scared, Dad, but I don't know what to do. I can't tell you about it because it'd put other people in trouble. But I wanna tell someone because I'm just so scared, Dad. What do I do? Cuz I don't know what to do. Why can't you just love me? Why, why can't you just love me for me? Don't disown me. I-I wanna stay with you guys. Y-you're my, my family. I w-w-wanna st-stay with you 'nd Mom. Be-because I love you guys. I don't wanna go to conversion therapy. I don't wanna get sent to conversion therapy. Don't send me there like they almost did to Owen. There's nothing wrong with me. D-do-don't let Mom send me away. I-I won't talk about it with you guys if you want. I don't wanna lose you guys. I just can't. I just don't understand what – " And I gasp. Because everything just comes pouring out of me, and I start crying.

I don't want him to look at me.

I wipe my eyes.

Fuck, stop crying.