I Didn't Mean to Break

2:34 am

"What?" Ethan asked pausing with his back to Mark.

"C'mon man, talk to me," Mark tried again, more calmly this time.

Ethan took a deep breath and tried to relax some tension that pooled between his shoulders at the base of his neck. "I can't Mark."

"What's the worst that could happen?"

Ethan spun on his heel with a sharp look in his eye. "Obviously something I don't want to happen, now will you drop it? Please?"

Mark stood and took a few steps towards Ethan while saying, "Ethan nothing you say is gonna change anything between us, you know that."

"Well, what if I want it to, Mark?" Ethan huffed.

"What do you mean?" Mark asked, pausing his advance to his friend. He racked his brain for an answer while he watched Ethan lose most of the tension in his face. He looked more tired than anything but he was still visibly fighting against words that so desperately wanted to spill.

"What if I want what I have to say to change us." Ethan could hardly meet Mark's gaze as he continued. "What if I want it to change how you look at me."

Ethan fell back down to the couch, exhaustion getting the best of his legs, and Mark slowly followed.

"I- I'm sorry, Eth. I'm still not following."

Ethan hunched over, resting his elbows on his knees again. "Do you really wanna hear it? 'Cause there's kinda no going back."

"Of course Ethan. Dude, you're worrying me."

Ethan let out a small chuckle. Out of nerves or procrastination, he wasn't sure.

"Mark, I-"

"I'm home!" Amy yelled from the doorway.

Ethan immediately pulled his walls back up and plastered a smile over his face, seizing the opportunity to avoid the uncomfortable conversation. He stood to greet Amy and offer to help her with the bags as Mark sat there about ready to scream.

He'd come so close only to have it pulled so far out of his reach once more.

-

After making sure Amy's bags were settled, Ethan said his goodbyes to the couple with a warm hug to Amy and a stiff wave to Mark. Once the door was closed, Amy turned to Mark and saw his vacant expression.

"He didn't budge, did he?"

Mark's eyes didn't leave the door as he tiredly said, "He did a little."

"Oh?"

With a sigh, Mark tore his eyes away from the door and gave a quick glance to Amy, before walking over to the dining room. "He said that the jokes at his expense were getting to him."

"That's an easy fix," Amy commented while fallowing Mark and standing by the dining table.

"Yeah," Mark mumbled as he grabbed a glass to fill with water.

Sensing this conversation wasn't over, Amy took a seat at the table and continued. "Was there anything else?"

After a pause and a drink from his glass, Mark opened his mouth to say something. He quickly snapped it shut as he leaned on the counter, eyes fixed on the floor. Amy patiently waited for him to collect his thoughts as she absently fiddled with her fingers.

"There's definitely something else."

Amy tapped the table next to her signaling for Mark to sit with her. He was visibly lost in thought at he slowly walked to sit adjacent from her, leaving his mostly empty glass on the counter.

They sat in silence for a moment until Mark spoke up again. "He said something about there being an underlying issue weighing in him."

"Do you know what it could be?"

"No," he said softly. "Only that he felt like something would change."

"For better or worse? Is it just that he's scared of change, or is he scared of the outcome?"

"He said-" Mark pause trying to process his thoughts into words. "He said he wanted it to change things, but I get the feeling that he doesn't think anything would change in the way he'd hope for."

Mark's eyebrows were forming a worry line between them and the corners of his mouth were tilted down with concern. Amy let out a soft sigh at seeing him so distraught and brought a comforting hand to rest over his on the table. She gave a quick squeeze to his hand in an attempt to reassure him.

"He'll open up Mark. He just needs time." She squeezed his hand again trying to get him to look at her as she offered up a smile. He felt the squeeze and saw her lips quirk upward but it did nothing to dull the thoughts of Ethan.

-

Ethan opened the door and was greeted with pure energy. He forced a smile for his dog, not that it mattered much, but maybe he was forcing it for himself too.

"Hey bud," he said grabbing Spencer's leash. "Let's go for a walk, yeah?"

Spencer's tongue flopped out of his mouth and his tail picked up even more speed as his leash was clipped to his collar.

Ethan walked out of his door, lead by his dog, and tried to clear his head.

-

Mark laid in his bed that night replaying the conversation over and over in his head.

Mark finally got up and decided to move to the couch to save Amy from his restless tossing and turning. He grabbed his phone, pillow, and, on his way to the couch, a spare blanked from a hallway closet.

Mark fell onto his back after haphazardly tossing his pillow towards where his head would be and pulled the blanket over him. Once settled, he checked the time on his phone. 2:34 am.

"Great," he grumbled to himself quietly. While he had his phone in his hand, he decided to send Ethan a quick text to at least slightly smooth over their earlier conversation.

Mark: Hey, I'm sorry if I pushed you too much

He was about to turn his phone off and set it down until he saw the 'read' receipt appear under his message.

'That was fast. What's he doing up right now?'

Ethan: It's fine

Mark thought for a moment about whether or not to tell Ethan to go to sleep and that they could talk about it tomorrow. He could also try to continue the conversation. They've obviously both got something on their minds considering the time that they're up.

Mark: Would it be easier to talk about it over text?
Ethan: I don't know
Ethan: I really just don't wanna talk about it

Letting out a sigh, Mark typed back his response.

Mark: I know
Mark: You don't have to, I won't push you
Mark: I just think it might be good to get off your chest, ya know?

-

Ethan stared at his phone. Of course it'd be good to get it off his chest, but it could also be so, so very bad. They have a channel to run together daily for the rest of the year. Ethan can't let his childhood crush ruin that for his friend and viewers.

Ethan audibly groaned because he wanted nothing more than to not have to feel like he's keeping a secret from Mark, but at the same time he knows very well why he keeps this secret. After hovering his thumbs over his keypad, he groaned again and started typing.

-

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