I Didn't Mean to Break

It's Just a Joke

"Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?" Mark asked with a smile.

Obviously he meant it as a joke, Ethan knew that. How else could you explain the wide grin and squinted eyes? So, of course, Ethan laughed along and pushed the comment away, but there was still a pain in his chest that lingered.

The two continued on through the video. They corrected the errors Ethan made and moved on, so why did this feeling stay?

-

"Well, I think we learned to never doubt the powers of Amy," Ethan laughed out.

"Absolutely," Mark agreed. "And guys, don't forget to subscribe and watch the videos. It's getting so close to the end so catch up while you can. Unus-"

"Annus," Ethan finished. They smiled at the camera for the last time that day. Amy and Evan gave the boys a thumbs up to let them know they were done and the cameras were off.

They all got to packing up the equipment and cleaning up from the video. The four cracked jokes and made conversation and, before they knew it, they were done.

-

"Did you guys wanna stick around for dinner? We were gonna get some McDick's if you want?" Mark asked Ethan and Evan.

Laughing, Ethan replied, "Nah man, Spencer's probably missing me. Plus, I have a frozen pizza I was looking forward to eating tonight."

"I bet it's pineapple and ham," Evan said making a face and pulling a computer bag onto his shoulder. Ethan made a mocking face back because of course it's pineapple and ham. "I'm gonna head out too though. Bohdi isn't quite house trained yet and I don't want him peeing in his crate."

"That's fair," Amy said.

"Fair's fair," Mark nodded.

Everyone said their goodbyes and the two leaving gathered their things. Waving a final goodbye, Ethan got into his car and drove home with one thought on his mind; 'What the hell is wrong with you'.

-

Ethan pulled into his apartment's driveway and sighed. It was just a joke and he knew that so he should get over it, right? Of course.

He got out of his car and walked to his door. Once inside, he was greeted by a happy Spencer and his slight frown lifted into a smile.

Ethan crouched down to his dog's level and immediately pet him. "Hi Spencey! How have you been buddy?"

Spencer's tail wagged faster after being addressed and his tongue flopped out of his mouth. Ethan let out a soft laugh as he stood up and walked to his office to set his recording equipment down; Spencer following at his heels.

After his equipment was where it belonged, he walked back to his front door and clipped a leash to Spencer's collar. "Ready for a walk boy?"

-

Something blew up on the screen in front of Ethan. He was lounged on the couch and the pizza he made himself was long forgotten on the kitchen counter. He was looking at the t.v. and could feel the warmth from Spencer who was laying at his side, but he wasn't present in the moment.

Mark was joking. He's always joking because he'd never mean to hurt Ethan. Every jab, every comment, every criticism; it's all just a joke. Just for the audience. Ethan knows that and he knows he shouldn't feel offended or hurt because it's not how Mark actually feels.

But still, he's sat thinking about what the hell is wrong with him. Why does he make everything awkward? Why doesn't he know basic things? Why can't he just be normal?

He stayed looking at the screen but not watching the movie. His throat clenched and his heart throbbed.

-

"Hey, Amy?" Mark asked from their couch in the living room, getting her attention.

"Yeah?" Amy responded, looking over to him from the computer screen in front of her.

"Did Ethan seem a little off after the video?"

"He's seemed a little off in general lately, not just after today," Amy said while pushing her hair behind her ear.

"Yeah," Mark half-responded while looking back to the t.v. screen. After a few moments of thinking, he looked back to her. "Do you know why?"

Amy looked up from editing again and folded her arms on the dining room table and thought for a second. "He seems like he's drawing back from things almost, doesn't he?"

"Yeah, he does." Mark sighed because he knew all too well that this was one of the notable tell-tale signs that meant Ethan was starting into a depressive episode again. "I'll try to talk to him about it tomorrow."

"Invite him over for a movie night," Amy said, knowing the same thing as Mark.

"Yeah, okay."

-

Ethan laid on his bed with a pillow to his chest and Spencer at his side. His body hurt; his head and throat specifically. There was a burning feeling that sprouted in his lungs and reached its way up to his neck and behind his eyes, yet he wouldn't cry because it was just a joke. He has no reason to be hurt. He has no reason to take the comment to heart.

Although, how many years has it been? Since he was thirteen? Fourteen? How long has he admired Mark? How long has he liked Mark? Now he gets to see him and work with him regularly, but the childhood crush is still there. That's why the jabs hurt even more. Because he cared about the person they came from and he cared about said person's opinion of him.

It's just a joke and it always is, but that doesn't stop it from hurting. That doesn't stop him from criticizing himself when he's being loud because he knows if he doesn't, someone else will; and he can't deal with that someone being Mark.

So there he laid, repeating one thing over and over to himself in hopes of it finally sticking. Of it finally stopping the hurt.

It's just a joke.

-

1000 words