For You, I Could Pretend To Be...

Happy

Jimin and Jungkook didn't speak for a long time. Things were tense between them. The group was divided with Namjoon being the only neutral party. He looked tired. More tired than Jimin had ever seen him. Jimin felt bad.

He... he didn't like wearing makeup.

"Oh, looks like the pretty little idols are finally joining the army, thought you could get out of it, huh?"

He wasn't like that. He couldn't be like that. He had an image to hold up.

So, Jimin pretended not to notice how tense Yoongi's shoulders were, or how Jungkook's eyes seemed to water every time they saw each other, or how Taehyung wasn't speaking to him.

All those things he told Jungkook were lies. They couldn't be true because it wasn't right. He wasn't right.

"Jimin-ssi!" The cameraman called. "Smile for the cameras."

Jimin smiled.

~~~

Jin called a meeting that night. They all sat on the couch and waited for him to speak.

"Taehyung, if you would." Jin asked.

"Of course." Taehyung stood up in front of them, Jungkook unconsciously straightened.

"Hyung, what are you doing?" Namjoon voiced all their thoughts. Jin simply smiled. It was strained.

"Fixing this problem." Jin disappeared into the bathroom.

"Guys. We're friends. I don't care if you... if you can't admit it, or say it outloud, but we've known each other for almost a decade. We've sang together, cried together, we've been through thick and thin... and now... what happened? Jimin? I thought you said that you'd stay by my side?" Taehyung asked. Jimin knew he was referring to the song they wrote together. He had promised, hadn't he? Was he wrong then too? What was wrong about it? They were friends. They could still be... soulmates... right?

Namjoon spoke next. "The military seemed to have had its intended effects." He continued, "I... I'm going to be completely honest. I'm confused. I'm confused about a lot of things. We used to say "love yourselves" like it was keeping us alive, maybe it was, at one point. I can't help but think that what we've been doing... the way we went about it... was odd." Jimin's eyes widened. Did he get it? "But, that can't be right, right? Because we helped millions of people. Our music helped them love themselves, even if we can't do the same right now."

Jin returned to the room, his face was heavy with makeup and he had a flower in his hand.

"So, you listen here, and you listen well." He pointed to each of them with the flower in his hand. "You can wear... whatever the fuck you want." Jin said. "You can wear makeup, hell, wear a fucking dress if you want. You can put heels on and spin around "like a girl" if you want. But the way I see it, clothes don't have reproductive organs and they can't choose what gender they identify as, so you know what? We're just going to have to say that all clothes are gender neutral, aren't we? Wouldn't want to be disrespectful."

"What-" Jin cut Yoongi off.

"You can also not wear makeup if you want. But if you're going to stop, do it because you want to. Not because someone forced their stupid fucking ideals into your head. You are a man unless you choose to identify as otherwise, and if you do, I'll support you. You're not a man because you like girls, or because you have this idea in your head of what a 'real man' looks like. All men are 'real men,' regardless of their beliefs." Jin cut himself off. His voice was becoming strained and he was blinking rapidly. "You can cry whenever you want... and I won't think less of you for it."

"Hyung...." Jimin turned to look at Yoongi. "How can you say things like that?" Taehyung looked like he was about to refute, but Jin stopped him. "How can you just... be all... goddamnit." Yoongi lowered his head. "I was a dumbass."

What? Jimin didn't get it... was Yoongi serious?

"Jimin-ah...." Hoseok murmured.

"What?" Jimin's voice was unexpectedly hoarse.

This was wrong. It was all wrong. How could they just... accept it? Like it was... right? It was absurd! And Yoongi had just... accepted it too! Was he the only one who learned anything from the training?

(But you hated it. You hated every second of being in the military.)

"Jimin-ah, I know you're confused but-" Namjoon began.

"Confused?" Jimin breathed. "I'm not... I've... I'm not. I know what I am. You... you're all...." Wrong.

He couldn't get the words out.

Hoseok moved to put his hand on Jimin's shoulder. Jimin's body moved on it's own to slap it away.

"Don't touch me." He mumbled. "I'm... I'm going out."

Jimin stood up and left the room. He put his shoes and jacket on then left the house.

He sat on a park bench and watched the city lights.

He doesn't remember how long he sat there for, but he remembers thinking that he was cold, and that they had another photoshoot tomorrow, so he should go home.

His body dragged itself back to the dorm. He didn't talk to anyone and went straight to his room. He ignored Hoseok's looks and went to sleep.

The morning was a blur, like the night before. Jimin was silent all throughout breakfast, as was Jungkook. The latter was always quiet lately. Yoongi was speaking to Hoseok in hushed tones and Namjoon wasn't looking any of them in the eye.

Jimin hardly remembered the drive to the location, or how long it took to get dressed. He let the stylist noonas put makeup on him and style his hair despite his mind's constant protests.

"Jimin-ssi!" The cameraman called. "Smile for the cameras!"

Jimin smiled.